Small talk.
For some, it’s effortless—a way to connect, share a laugh, or pass the time. For others, it feels awkward, forced, and a little too much like walking a tightrope: say too much, and you feel exposed; say too little, and the conversation falls flat.
The truth is, being good at small talk isn’t just about filling the silence. It’s about connection, empathy, and reading the room.
But if it’s something you struggle with, you might be unknowingly holding yourself back with certain habits or tendencies.
In this article, we’ll unpack 9 traits that could be making small talk harder than it needs to be.
If you’ve ever felt like small talk is more of a mountain than a molehill, this one’s for you.
1) Overthinking
One of the most common traits displayed by people who struggle with small talk is overthinking.
Overthinking is the process of analyzing everything excessively. It’s like having a non-stop conversation in your head, evaluating every word, every response, and every gesture.
This can be particularly challenging during small talk, where the flow of conversation is often light and spontaneous.
Overthinkers might find themselves stuck in their heads, trying to predict the other person’s response or worrying about their own.
This constant internal dialogue can make it hard for them to focus on the actual conversation. They might miss out on cues, fail to respond timely, or even lose track of the discussion.
Overthinking can turn small talk into a big ordeal. But recognizing this trait is the first step towards making small talk a less daunting task.
2) Fear of awkward silence
I’ve always noticed a particular trait in myself when it comes to small talk – a fear of awkward silence.
I used to believe that silence means a conversation is going downhill. As a result, I’d scramble to fill every pause, often with irrelevant or forced topics.
This fear of awkward silence would make me dread small talk situations. I’d feel an immense pressure to keep the conversation flowing non-stop, which was mentally exhausting and made the conversation feel forced and unnatural.
But over time, I’ve learned that silence isn’t always a bad thing. It can provide a moment to reflect on what’s been said, think about the next topic, or simply enjoy the moment.
3) Difficulty in finding common ground
People who struggle with small talk often have a hard time finding common ground with others.
This could be due to varied interests, different backgrounds, or simply not knowing how to steer the conversation towards shared experiences or interests.
The art of small talk involves being able to find a mutual connection, no matter how small it may be. The human brain is wired to seek connections. Neuroscientists have found that our brains are inherently social, and they thrive on connections.
Not being able to find common ground can make small talk feel like an uphill battle.
However, honing your observational skills and showing genuine interest in the other person can help create that connection, making small talk a more enjoyable experience.
4) Tendency to self-edit
A common trait found in people who find small talk challenging is the tendency to self-edit.
They often filter their thoughts heavily before speaking out, worrying that what they say might not be interesting, relevant, or appropriate.
This constant self-editing can make a conversation feel stilted and disjointed. It slows down the flow of dialogue and can give the impression of being reserved or disinterested.
While it’s important to be mindful of what we say, continually self-editing can hinder genuine interaction.
Learning to express thoughts more freely and openly can encourage a more natural conversation flow and make small talk more enjoyable.
5) Avoiding eye contact
Eye contact is a powerful tool in communication.
It shows attentiveness, respect, and interest. However, people who struggle with small talk often avoid making eye contact.
Whether it’s due to shyness, discomfort, or lack of confidence, avoiding eye contact can make the conversation feel impersonal and disconnected. It can also give off the impression of disinterest or distraction.
Maintaining appropriate eye contact can significantly improve the quality of a conversation. It fosters connection and displays confidence, making small talk a more rewarding experience.
6) Fear of judgment
At the heart of many people’s struggle with small talk is the fear of judgment.
The worry of saying something wrong, boring, or inappropriate can be paralyzing. It’s this fear that often keeps people silent, makes them stumble over their words, or even avoid social situations altogether.
It’s a tough fear to overcome, especially in a world where we often feel like we’re under the microscope. But it’s important to remember that everyone has been in an awkward conversation, said the wrong thing, or had a moment of embarrassment.
Facing the fear of judgment and stepping out of our comfort zones can help us become better at small talk and more confident communicators overall. After all, we’re all human and it’s our shared imperfections that make conversations real and relatable.
7) Preferring depth over breadth
I’ve always been someone who craves deep and meaningful conversations.
The kind where you lose track of time, forget about the world around you, and dive into topics that matter.
This preference for depth often made small talk feel superficial to me. The light and often fleeting nature of small talk didn’t seem to satisfy my desire for deep connection and understanding.
But over time, I realized that every deep conversation starts with small talk. It’s the stepping stone to building rapport, trust, and eventually getting to those more profound discussions.
8) Struggling with interruptions
People who find small talk difficult often struggle with interruptions.
They tend to lose their train of thought when interrupted, or they might find it hard to jump back into the conversation.
Interruptions can be frustrating and can disrupt the flow of discussion. It can also make the speaker feel unheard or undervalued, which can further discourage them from engaging in small talk.
Learning to handle interruptions gracefully and assertively, while maintaining the flow of conversation, can help improve one’s comfort level with small talk. It’s all about striking a balance between listening, speaking, and mutual respect.
9) Lack of practice
The most crucial thing to remember about small talk is that it’s a skill, and like any skill, it requires practice.
People who struggle with small talk often avoid it, which only perpetuates the cycle of discomfort.
It’s easy to retreat into our shells and avoid situations that make us feel awkward. But the more we expose ourselves to these situations, the more comfortable we become.
So if small talk is a challenge for you, don’t shy away from it. Embrace every opportunity to engage in conversation. Practice might not make perfect, but it sure does make better.
Embracing the journey
The complexities of human interaction and social skills are deeply intertwined with our individual personalities, experiences, and even our own inner dialogue.
The struggle with small talk is not a flaw, but rather a reflection of one’s unique way of processing information and relating to the world. It’s a sign of depth, introspection, and a desire for meaningful connections.
Struggling with small talk doesn’t make you less of a person; rather, it’s an indication that you’re yearning for more substantial connections. Remember, every profound conversation begins with small talk.
So next time you find yourself in a small talk situation, don’t dread it. Embrace it as a stepping stone towards deeper conversations and stronger connections. After all, it’s these little interactions that weave the tapestry of human connection and understanding.
