Kindness isn’t always rewarded with popularity.
Ever met people who are incredibly kind, but surprisingly, don’t have many friends?
I have.
And often, there’s a common thread – their childhood experiences.
These experiences often shape their personality and how they interact with others in a unique way.
They’ve learned to value kindness above all else, even if it means having fewer friends.
In this article, I’m going to share with you the 8 childhood experiences that usually lie in the background of such kind-hearted souls.
1) Early experiences of rejection
One of the most common childhood experiences for those who grow up to be incredibly kind but with fewer friends is early experiences of rejection.
Imagine being a small kid, eager to make friends and play, only to be turned away or left out. It’s painful. But it’s also a reality for many.
These early encounters with rejection can serve as a catalyst, teaching these kids that no one should have to feel that way. As they grow up, they strive to be the exact opposite of those who hurt them – they become exceptionally kind.
However, this initial experience with rejection can also make them cautious about forming new relationships. They might prefer to have fewer, but more meaningful friendships.
2) High sensitivity
Growing up, I was what you’d call a “highly sensitive child”. Sounds strange, right? But let me explain.
Being highly sensitive doesn’t mean I cried at the drop of a hat. It’s more like I was aware of the emotions and needs of others around me to an extent that most kids my age weren’t.
I remember once when my cousin accidentally dropped her ice cream cone. While the other kids laughed, I felt a pang in my heart for her embarrassment and disappointment. I rushed to buy her another one.
This heightened sensitivity made me more compassionate and kind. But it also meant that I was more susceptible to getting hurt by others’ thoughtless actions or words. As a result, I often found myself gravitating towards fewer, deeper friendships.
Looking back, it’s clear that my high sensitivity played a significant role in shaping the kind, but somewhat solitary person I am today. It’s not uncommon – many exceedingly kind individuals with fewer friends often share this trait from their childhood.
3) Absence of sibling interactions
Did you know that only children are often stereotyped as being more selfish? Well, that’s not always the case. In fact, it can be the complete opposite.
Being an only child often means having a lot more one-on-one time with adults during formative years. This can result in a better understanding of empathy, kindness, and mature behavior from an early age.
Research indicates that only children often develop strong independence, leadership skills, and creativity due to focused parental attention.
However, the lack of sibling interactions can also mean fewer opportunities to practice social dynamics like sharing, negotiating and compromising in a safe environment. As a result, these children may grow up to be very kind individuals who struggle with larger social circles and instead opt for fewer, deeper friendships.
4) Building resilience from adversity
Childhood is not always sunshine and rainbows. Some kids face adversity early on, and this toughens them up in a unique way.
These kids often develop a kind of mental toughness or resilience that becomes a defining characteristic of their personality. They learn to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and keep going no matter what.
In my book, The Art of Resilience: A Practical Guide to Developing Mental Toughness, I delve into how these experiences of adversity can shape our resilience and kindness in profound ways.
This resilience often translates into exceptional kindness because these individuals understand what it’s like to struggle. They’ve been there, felt the pain, and they don’t want others to experience the same.
But here’s the kicker: this mental toughness can sometimes be mistaken for aloofness. As a result, these kind-hearted individuals might not have large social circles, but those who take the time to know them are rewarded with a friend of unparalleled empathy and grit.
5) Parental influence
My parents always taught me the importance of treating others with kindness and respect. They’d often say, “It doesn’t matter how smart or successful you are, if you’re not a good person, it counts for nothing.”
This lesson stuck with me. It made me value kindness over popularity or status. And like many others who were raised with similar values, I’ve often found myself having fewer friends.
The reason? Not everyone appreciates kindness as much as they should. Some people mistake it for weakness or take advantage of it. But my parents taught me to stick to my values, even if it means having a smaller circle of genuine friends.
Research indicates that engaging in acts of kindness can reduce social avoidance behaviors, which are often linked to having fewer friends.
This is a common experience among those who are incredibly kind but don’t have many friends. Their values, often instilled in them by their parents, guide their actions and relationships as they navigate through life.
6) Being a “peacemaker”
You’d think being a peacemaker would make you popular, right? Surprisingly, that’s not always the case.
As a kid who often stepped in to diffuse arguments or conflicts among friends, I found that it didn’t always win me popularity points. Instead, it sometimes pushed people away.
Why? Because when you’re the peacemaker, you often have to call out wrong behaviors and stand up for what’s right. Not everyone appreciates that. Some might even see you as a threat to their dominance or status quo.
Despite this, standing up for peace and fairness often nurtures a deep sense of kindness. However, this role of the peacemaker might lead to having fewer friends. After all, it takes a certain kind of person to appreciate someone who always strives for fairness and peace.
7) Extensive reading
Books can be magical. They open up new worlds, broadening our perspectives and teaching us about emotions, empathy, and kindness.
Many kind-hearted people with fewer friends often have a history of extensive reading during their childhood. Immersing themselves in different stories helps them develop a deep understanding of human nature and emotions.
Research found that children who engage in regular reading are more likely to develop empathy and emotional intelligence.
However, the solitary act of reading also means they spend less time in social activities. This might result in fewer friendships compared to those who spend more time playing team sports or participating in other group activities.
Yet, these individuals often have a rich inner world and a profound sense of empathy – traits that make them incredibly kind, albeit with fewer friends.
8) Valuing quality over quantity
The most important thing to remember about kind-hearted people with fewer friends is this: They value quality over quantity.
From a young age, they’ve realized that having a few genuine, meaningful relationships is far more rewarding than having a large number of superficial ones.
This choice isn’t always easy, and it might result in them having fewer friends. But for these individuals, it’s about the depth and authenticity of their connections, not the number.
And that’s what makes them truly special.
It’s about embracing who you are
When it comes to human behavior, there’s always more than meets the eye. Our childhood experiences shape us in ways we often don’t realize, influencing our interactions and friendships as adults.
People who are incredibly kind but have fewer friends often share common experiences from their younger years. From early rejections to parental influences, these experiences often build a foundation for their kindness.
But it’s important to remember that having fewer friends isn’t a reflection of their worth or likability. It’s a testament to their preference for deeper, more meaningful relationships.
In my book, The Art of Resilience: A Practical Guide to Developing Mental Toughness, I talk about how resilience isn’t just about bouncing back from adversity. It’s about embracing who you are, including your preferences and personality traits.
So, to all those kind souls with smaller social circles: You’re not alone. Your kindness is unique and valued. And remember, it’s the quality of friendships that matter, not the quantity.
Embrace your journey and keep spreading kindness – the world definitely needs more of it.
