The concept of favoritism has been around for centuries, appearing in everything from ancient myths to modern-day family dramas. Cain and Abel, anyone?
But for those who grew up feeling overlooked, the reality is far from a storybook.
This article takes a closer look at how feeling like the “unfavored” child influences behaviors, relationships, and self-perception—and how you can rewrite the narrative for yourself as an adult.
1) Overcompensation in achievements
Growing up feeling like you’re sidelined or second best can prompt an intense drive to prove yourself. This often manifests in a relentless pursuit of success and accomplishments, in academics, career, or even social dynamics.
The rationale is simple: if I can show that I’m successful, maybe then I’ll finally get the approval and recognition I crave.
However, it’s essential to understand that self-worth should not be measured solely based on external achievements. It’s about self-acceptance and realizing that your value as a person isn’t tied to being the “favorite”.
This is a crucial first step towards healing and forming healthier relationships with oneself and others.
2) Seeking validation
Speaking from personal experience, I’ve seen how growing up as the “non-favorite” child can lead to a constant need for validation.
I recall how I would go out of my way to please others, to win their approval or praise. Whether it was excelling at work or always being available for friends, I found myself seeking validation outside of myself.
It wasn’t until much later that I realized this was a subconscious way of compensating for the lack of validation I felt growing up. Recognizing this behavior was a turning point for me.
By understanding where this need for validation was coming from, I was able to start working on self-love and self-affirmation. It’s a journey, but one that leads to a healthier sense of self-worth.
3) Difficulty in forming close relationships
Forming close, intimate relationships can be a real challenge for those who never felt like the favorite child. There’s this persistent fear of not being good enough, of being overlooked or pushed aside.
In my past relationships, I often found myself holding back, afraid to fully invest emotionally for fear of being rejected or let down. It was as if a part of me was always bracing for disappointment.
This fear can create barriers, making it harder to form deep connections with others. But acknowledging this fear is the first step towards overcoming it. It’s about learning to trust, to open up, and to believe that you are worthy of love and acceptance just as you are.
4) Struggles with mindfulness
For these individuals, living in the present moment can be a tough task. They might find themselves constantly dwelling on past experiences, or worrying about future acceptance and approval.
This is where mindfulness comes into play. It’s about acknowledging these feelings without judgment, and focusing your mind on the present.
In my book, “The Art of Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Living in the Moment“, I delve into practical strategies to help cultivate mindfulness.
This includes simple exercises that can help you stay grounded in the present, instead of being consumed by past resentments or future anxieties.
With practice, mindfulness can become a powerful tool for those grappling with feelings of inadequacy or rejection stemming from their childhood experiences.
5) Unanticipated leadership skills
Contrary to what one might expect, they often develop strong leadership skills.
Growing up feeling overlooked can ignite a drive to stand out and make a difference. This can translate into a fierce determination, resilience, and the ability to take initiative – all key qualities of a good leader.
Moreover, this experience can foster empathy, allowing them to understand and address the needs of others more effectively. This combination of determination and empathy often results in an unexpected emergence of leadership skills.
While the journey might be born out of hardship, the destination can hold surprising opportunities for personal growth and leadership.
6) Hyper-awareness of fairness
They are usually the ones who go out of their way to ensure everyone is treated equally and justly.
This hyper-awareness often stems from their own experiences of perceived injustice during their formative years. They understand the sting of unfair treatment and strive to prevent others from experiencing the same.
While this trait is admirable, it’s important for individuals to also practice self-care and not carry the weight of everyone else’s battles. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your own needs and well-being too.
7) Self-reliance
Growing up feeling like the non-favorite child, I learned to rely heavily on myself. This seems to be a common theme among individuals who share similar experiences.
A sense of self-reliance can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, it fosters independence and resilience. On the other, it can lead to a reluctance in asking for help when needed, out of fear of being a burden.
As I navigated through life, I realized the importance of striking a balance. It’s okay to lean on others sometimes, just as it’s okay to stand on your own. After all, we all need a little help now and then.
8) Overly critical of self
These individuals often develop a tendency to be overly critical of themselves. They might set unrealistically high standards and then berate themselves for falling short.
This harsh self-criticism is often a result of internalized feelings of inadequacy from childhood. The individual may believe they need to be perfect to be worthy of love or attention.
However, it’s crucial to understand that everyone makes mistakes and nobody is perfect. Learning to practice self-compassion and patience is an essential step towards overcoming this behavior.
The power of self-love and acceptance
Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that your childhood doesn’t define your worth. It’s crucial to learn the art of self-love and acceptance.
Embrace who you are, quirks and all. Recognize your strengths, accept your weaknesses, and realize that you are enough just as you are.
Self-love and acceptance can be a powerful antidote to the feelings of inadequacy and rejection often experienced by those who never felt like the favorite child. Your worth is not determined by someone else’s inability to see your value.
Understanding these behaviors is the first step towards self-awareness and personal growth. It allows us to empathize with ourselves, acknowledging our feelings and experiences without judgment.
In my book, “The Art of Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Living in the Moment“, I delve deeper into strategies that can help cultivate this kind of self-awareness.
So embrace your journey, value your experiences, and remember – self-love and acceptance are not just concepts, they are practices that can lead to a healthier sense of self-worth.
And you are enough as you are, and you have the power to define your own worth.
