Navigating the delicate balance between being a parent and a friend to your adult children can be challenging.
Certain behaviors can create gaps, while others can forge stronger bonds. And guess what? It’s not about bending over backwards to fulfill their every need or desire.
It’s about understanding the subtle nuances of adult relationships and recognizing when certain parental instincts may actually be pushing them away.
I’m going to share with you 8 behaviors that you need to kick to the curb if you want to keep that tight-knit connection with your grown-up kids. Believe me, it’s easier than you think.
1) Unsolicited advice
One of the quickest ways to create tension with your adult children is by dishing out advice they didn’t ask for.
It’s a natural parental instinct to want to guide our children, to steer them away from potential pitfalls. But as they mature into adults, it’s important to remember that they’re carving out their own path in life.
Unsolicited advice can often come across as condescending or dismissive of their ability to make decisions. It can create a sense that you don’t trust their judgment or believe in their capacity to handle life’s challenges.
So, hold back on the advice unless it’s asked for. Remember, part of maintaining a close relationship with your adult children is respecting their autonomy and allowing them to learn from their own experiences.
And when you do give advice, make sure it’s constructive and supportive rather than directive. It’s about guiding them, not controlling them.
2) Trying to fix all their problems
I’ll never forget the day my adult daughter came to me, upset about a situation at her job. My immediate reaction was to jump in, brainstorm solutions, and even consider calling her boss to sort things out.
But then, I realized what I was doing. I was stepping in to fix a problem that wasn’t mine to solve. My daughter didn’t need a superhero; she needed a sounding board, a safe space to vent her frustrations and fears.
As parents, it’s hard wired in us to want to protect our children, even when they’re all grown up. But swooping in to resolve all their problems for them can actually undermine their self-confidence and make them feel incapable.
So, the next time your adult child shares a problem with you, resist the urge to immediately jump into problem-solving mode. Instead, listen empathetically, offer emotional support, and if asked, help them explore possible solutions they can implement themselves.
3) Ignoring their boundaries
Just like in any other relationship, boundaries are crucial when it comes to maintaining a healthy rapport with your adult children. A fascinating study from the University of Cambridge showed that respect for personal boundaries is one of the most influential factors in parent-adult child relationships.
Respecting their boundaries means recognizing their independence and treating them as adults, not just as your children. This could be about anything from not dropping by unannounced to refraining from commenting on their personal choices unless invited to do so.
Ignoring these boundaries can lead to tension and frustration, while respecting them can foster mutual understanding and a stronger bond. So, if you want to maintain a close relationship with your adult children, pay close attention to their boundaries and respect them.
4) Constant criticism
No one likes to be criticized, especially not by the people who they look up to for love and support. If your conversations with your adult children often revolve around what they could be doing better, you might be sabotaging your own relationship with them.
Criticism, no matter how well-intentioned, can often be perceived as a lack of acceptance and can lead to feelings of inadequacy. It’s important to remember that they are adults now, living their own lives, making their own choices.
Instead, try focusing on their strengths and accomplishments, and when you do need to address something, use constructive feedback rather than outright criticism. This approach can foster a more positive relationship and open communication between you and your adult children.
5) Holding onto past mistakes
We all make mistakes. It’s part of being human. But holding onto your adult children’s past mistakes and continuously bringing them up can deeply hurt your relationship.
It’s heartbreaking to feel like you’re constantly being judged for something you did in the past, especially when you’re trying to grow and move forward. Remember, your adult children are not the same people they were when they were younger. They’ve grown, changed, and learned from their mistakes.
So, if you’re holding onto past grievances, it might be time to let them go. Show your adult children that you believe in their ability to change and grow. Give them the space to show you who they’ve become. That’s one of the most beautiful gifts you can give as a parent.
6) Not acknowledging their adulthood
I still remember the day my son told me he was getting married. My first instinct was to ask, “Are you sure you’re ready?” But then I paused. I realized that he wasn’t the little boy who needed his mom’s approval anymore. He was a grown man, making his own decisions.
As parents, it’s often hard to acknowledge that our little ones have grown up. We might find ourselves treating them like children, making decisions for them, or dismissing their opinions. But this can create a barrier in our relationship with them.
Seeing and acknowledging your children as adults is an essential step in strengthening your relationship with them. It means respecting their decisions, recognizing their capabilities, and letting them take charge of their own lives. It’s not easy, but it’s an important part of maintaining a close relationship with your adult children.
7) Neglecting their adult achievements
In the hustle and bustle of life, it’s easy to overlook the importance of acknowledging our adult children’s achievements. Whether it’s a promotion at work, buying their first home, or simply making a positive change in their lives, these milestones matter.
When you neglect to celebrate or even acknowledge these achievements, your adult children may feel unappreciated or undervalued. On the other hand, taking the time to recognize and celebrate these moments can boost their confidence and reinforce your bond.
So, take a moment to show your pride in their accomplishments. It doesn’t have to be grand gestures – a simple congratulatory call or message can go a long way in making them feel loved and appreciated.
8) Forgetting to express love regularly
Yes, they’re adults now. Yes, they have their own lives. But they still need to hear those three little words from you – “I love you.” It’s the simplest, yet most powerful thing you can say to your adult children to maintain a close relationship with them.
Expressing your love regularly can bridge gaps, heal wounds and strengthen bonds. It’s a reminder that no matter how old they get or how far away they are, your love for them remains constant.
So, don’t hold back on expressing your love. In person, over the phone, through a text message – it doesn’t really matter how you do it. What matters is that you do it often.
Final thoughts: It’s all about respect
The underpinning of maintaining a close relationship with your adult children lies in the heart of respect. Respect for their autonomy, decisions, capabilities, and the individuals they’ve grown up to be.
Dr. Laura Markham, a respected clinical psychologist, emphasizes the importance of this mutual respect stating, “When we respect each other, we value each other’s input and experiences. We value each other’s presence in our lives.”
Letting go of these eight behaviors isn’t just about avoiding tension or disagreement. It’s about reinforcing this respect and nurturing the bond you share with your adult children.
Remember, they’re not just your children anymore. They’re adults – individuals with their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
So as you navigate this new dynamic, take a moment to reflect on your actions and attitudes. Are you fostering respect? Are you nurturing your bond?
Because at the end of the day, that’s what maintaining a close relationship with your adult children really boils down to – respect.
