The way we’re raised shapes us in countless ways, and this is particularly true when it comes to our mothers. When a mother is emotionally distant, it can have a profound impact on her daughter’s development.
Hi there, I’m Tina Fey, founder of the Love Connection blog and a relationship expert. I’ve spent years studying the intricate dance between parents and their children, and I’ve noticed some striking patterns among women who were brought up by emotionally distant mothers.
This isn’t about blaming mothers or creating guilt. Rather, it’s about understanding the traits that can emerge from this type of upbringing – traits that can be both challenging and empowering.
In this article, I’ll be sharing with you 8 traits that are commonly seen in women who were raised by emotionally distant mothers. My aim is not just to increase awareness, but to provide tools for healing and growth.
Let’s get started.
1) Emotional self-sufficiency
Women raised by emotionally distant mothers often learn early on to rely on themselves for emotional support.
This isn’t necessarily a negative trait. In fact, it can lead to impressive resilience and independence. But like any trait, it has its flip side.
These women may find it difficult to ask for help when they need it. They might have a tough time opening up to others or forming close relationships. It’s as if they’ve built a fortress around their emotions to keep themselves safe.
The key is understanding where this self-sufficiency comes from. It’s not about being aloof or indifferent – it’s a survival mechanism forged in childhood. And with understanding comes the opportunity for growth and change.
Emotional self-sufficiency is just one of the traits you might see in women raised by emotionally distant mothers, but remember – it’s not an absolute. We’re all unique, and our experiences shape us in different ways.
2) Heightened sensitivity
Another trait that can often be observed in women raised by emotionally distant mothers is a heightened sensitivity.
This may manifest as being incredibly attuned to the moods and feelings of others, sometimes even to the point of feeling overwhelmed. It’s as if they’ve developed a sixth sense for emotional currents, likely as a coping mechanism from their early years.
Now, this may sound familiar to you because it’s something I’ve experienced personally. Growing up with an emotionally distant mother, I found myself becoming hyper-aware of others’ emotions, always trying to gauge the emotional temperature of a room.
But remember what renowned poet Maya Angelou once said, “We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated.” This heightened sensitivity, while sometimes overwhelming, can also be a powerful tool for empathy and connection if we learn to navigate it effectively.
Every trait has its strengths and challenges – it’s all about perspective and how we choose to harness it.
3) Struggle with intimacy
One of the more challenging traits that can stem from having an emotionally distant mother is a struggle with intimacy.
This can manifest as difficulty in forming close, meaningful relationships. It’s as if there’s an invisible wall preventing them from fully letting others in, often rooted in a fear of rejection or abandonment.
I’ve seen this trait time and again in my work as a relationship expert, and I’ve even grappled with it personally. Overcoming this barrier wasn’t easy, but it was worth every step of the journey.
In my book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, I delve into strategies that can help navigate this challenge.
Intimacy is about more than just romantic relationships – it’s about forming deep connections with the people around us. And while it may be a struggle for some, it is definitely not an insurmountable hurdle.
4) Unexpected optimism
Now, this might seem counterintuitive, but hear me out. Many women raised by emotionally distant mothers develop a surprising streak of optimism.
Despite the emotional hurdles they’ve had to overcome, these women often cultivate a positive outlook on life. It’s as if they’ve learned to create their own sunshine, even when things seem bleak.
This optimism isn’t about ignoring the hard stuff – far from it. It’s about acknowledging the challenges and believing in the possibility of better days ahead.
While it might seem odd to associate optimism with a challenging upbringing, it’s a testament to the human spirit’s ability to find hope amidst adversity.
Your past might shape you, but it doesn’t have to define you.
5) Perfectionism
Perfectionism is another trait that often surfaces in women raised by emotionally distant mothers.
Striving for perfection is a way of seeking approval, a validation that was often missing in their early years. It’s a relentless pursuit, an attempt to be ‘good enough’ to earn the love and attention they craved.
I’ve seen this play out in my own life, as I’ve often found myself striving for unattainable standards, always seeking to be the best. It took me a while to realize that this was a pattern rooted in my upbringing.
But the beauty of recognizing this trait is that it opens the door to self-compassion. It’s okay to strive for excellence, but it’s also okay to be imperfect. Remember, you are enough just as you are.
6) Fear of abandonment
Let’s get real here. A common, raw truth for many women raised by emotionally distant mothers is a deep-seated fear of abandonment.
This fear can be paralyzing, triggering anxiety in relationships and a constant need for reassurance. It’s a painful echo from the past, a stark reminder of the emotional absence they experienced during their formative years.
This fear can make them hold on too tight in relationships, constantly worried about being left or rejected. It’s a haunting shadow that can follow them into adulthood until they learn to acknowledge and address it.
Acknowledging this fear isn’t a sign of weakness – it’s a step towards healing. It’s about facing the shadows and learning to dance with them, rather than letting them control your life.
7) High achievers
Interestingly, many women raised by emotionally distant mothers tend to be high achievers. They often excel in their chosen fields, driven by an innate desire to prove their worth.
This drive can lead to remarkable achievements, but it can also result in burnout if not managed well. It’s a delicate balance that needs constant attention.
I know this all too well because I’ve been there. The desire to prove my worth led me down a path of achievements, but it also led me to the brink of exhaustion.
In the words of renowned author Brené Brown, “Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it.” This drive to achieve can be a powerful force if we learn to harness it, rather than let it control us.
It’s okay to strive for success, but don’t forget to take care of yourself along the way.
8) Emotional numbness
This is a hard one to talk about, but it’s important. Some women raised by emotionally distant mothers experience periods of emotional numbness.
This isn’t about lacking emotion, but rather a protective mechanism to guard against potential hurt. It’s as if they’ve learned to switch off their feelings to avoid the pain of disappointment or rejection.
This emotional shut-off can make it challenging to form deep connections or fully experience life’s highs and lows. It’s a survival mechanism that served a purpose in their past, but may no longer be helpful in their present.
Facing this reality can be tough, but remember – acknowledging this is the first step towards healing. It’s about learning to slowly let down the guard, to feel again, and to live more fully. It may take time and patience, but it’s a journey worth embarking on.
Conclusion
Understanding the impact of our upbringing is a crucial step towards healing and growth. These eight traits are not definitive, but they provide some insight into the common experiences of women raised by emotionally distant mothers.
Remember, these traits aren’t weaknesses – they’re simply responses to a specific set of circumstances. And with understanding comes the power to reshape our narratives.
If you recognize these traits in yourself or someone you love, remember it’s never too late to seek support and make changes. My book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, provides practical strategies to navigate these challenges.
We are all more than the sum of our past experiences. And as we learn to understand and embrace our unique journey, we can find strength, resilience, and a deeper connection with ourselves and others.
