There’s a ton of dating advice out there: from meticulously curated first-date outfits to guidelines on how many hours you should wait before sending that next text.
Not to mention all the so-called “power moves,” like playing hard to get or using pre-planned witty one-liners to look confident.
But new research offers something surprising—and maybe even comforting: the best dating strategy you can make is to be yourself.
It sounds simple, doesn’t it? Yet for many of us, that’s the hardest approach of all.
The surprising findings from the research
The crew at Psychology Today has highlighted two studies that really drive this point home.
One study showed that individuals who embrace authenticity are more likely to experience positive outcomes in their romantic lives.
In other words, the more you value being genuine, the more likely you are to actually show up as yourself on dates—and reap the benefits.
The second study revealed a strong antipathy toward game-playing, particularly among women.
While there’s often a cultural narrative that “playing hard to get” or using “strategic” flirting might be a good idea, these findings suggest otherwise.
Pretending to be someone you’re not can spark mistrust and even outright disinterest, especially when your date senses you’re hiding behind a façade.
Why authenticity matters
I’ve seen firsthand in my counseling sessions that most people crave genuine connection far more than they crave a polished performance. When you strip away the games and present who you truly are, you invite others to do the same.
Authenticity also sets a tone for openness, which can pave the way for deeper emotional intimacy.
If you’re juggling a fake persona, you’re likely to feel drained, anxious, and unsure whether someone likes you for you—or for the character you’ve been playing.
The hidden cost of playing games
Playing it too cool or keeping someone guessing might seem exciting initially.
But I’ve found it often leads to unspoken anxieties and misinterpretations that can derail a promising connection.
If I’m putting on an act early on, I might never feel safe enough to share my real interests or vulnerabilities later.
We all know real relationships go through ups and downs. A bond built on performance can crumble when life’s challenges demand authenticity.
When “just be yourself” feels hard
Sometimes, we struggle with authenticity because we’re not 100% sure who we are.
If we’ve spent years conforming to expectations—whether from family, friends, or even society—it can be tricky to unravel our true identity from all that noise.
Being yourself also means acknowledging your imperfections. That can be terrifying, especially if you’ve been told your whole life to hide your flaws to be lovable.
Yet, in my experience, genuine vulnerability is like an open door that invites others to step inside and connect with the real you.
Brené Brown once said, “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.” It’s not always comfortable, but it’s where deeper bonds often form.
This is where a little self-reflection goes a long way.
I’m a big believer in journaling, meditation, or even talking it out with a trusted confidant to clarify your core values, passions, and fears.
When you become aware of what truly matters to you and you find the courage to truly share yourself, you’ll find it easier to represent yourself honestly on a date.
And remember, you won’t click with everyone. I’ve learned it’s better to have a handful of genuine connections than a roomful of superficial interactions where no one really knows you.
Being yourself vs. oversharing
There’s no denying that showing someone your softer sides can feel like a big leap.
I always suggest a measured approach: share gradually, see how the other person responds, and decide if you want to open up more based on that.
If a subject naturally comes up, and you feel comfortable, go for it. But you don’t need to lay your entire life story on the table right away.
When clients ask me how to strike the balance, I suggest treating it like a conversation, not a confession.
Offer insights into who you are and invite your date to share as well. You’re building a bridge, step by step, rather than dropping a giant truth bomb all at once.
If they respond with empathy and understanding, you can continue opening that door.
If they recoil or dismiss you, it might be a red flag that the relationship isn’t a safe space for your emotional well-being.
The ripple effect into long-term relationships
I’ve worked with numerous clients who downplayed key parts of their identity—like spiritual beliefs or career goals—because they worried it would scare off a potential partner.
Over time, this can become exhausting and chip away at your sense of self.
If you’re seeking real compatibility, you want someone who respects what you stand for.
Sure, it might feel risky to talk about your ambitions or convictions early on, but it saves you from bigger heartbreak later if you discover you’re fundamentally incompatible.
Honest beginnings often lead to healthier long-term dynamics. When you start off being true to yourself, there’s less confusion down the road about who you are, what you value, and how you communicate.
Final thoughts
The beauty of “just be yourself” isn’t in its simplicity—it’s in its power to foster genuine connection, mutual respect, and long-lasting compatibility.
Rather than feeling pressured to perform, you can shift your energy toward finding someone who appreciates the real you.
If you’ve tried all the fancy dating tips and still feel disconnected, why not lean into what the studies—and a healthy dose of common sense—have shown to be most effective?
Letting your true personality shine might be the best decision you’ll ever make in your search for love.
Signing off.
