We all know someone who seems to get more and more challenging to be around with each passing year.
Maybe it’s that old high-school friend who always complains about everything, or a coworker who never has anything nice to say about anyone.
Sometimes, I even catch myself wondering if I’m turning into that person when I’m in a bad mood for too long.
It’s human nature to evolve over time, but some folks end up evolving in a direction that makes it harder to connect with them.
And once they’ve settled into these negative patterns, it can become nearly impossible to spend quality time together without walking on eggshells.
I’d like to explore some of the behaviors that cause people to become truly intolerable as they age.
None of us are perfect—I’m far from it, and I’ve done a few of these things myself in the past. Yet, I’ve noticed that when these patterns become the norm rather than the exception, people gradually push away even their closest friends.
Let’s dive in and look at seven big red flags.
1. They refuse to take responsibility
I’ve encountered people who simply cannot admit it when they’re wrong. It’s almost as though they believe accepting responsibility for any mistake will completely crush their sense of self.
They’ll point fingers, shift blame, and even try to rewrite history—all in the name of self-preservation.
Over time, this habit is guaranteed to drive away friends, family, and anyone in their orbit.
After all, no one wants to be around someone who’s always pointing an accusing finger rather than saying, “Yeah, I messed up. Let’s fix it.”
From my perspective as a relationship counselor, refusing to take responsibility is a surefire recipe for toxic interactions. It builds this undercurrent of resentment on both sides.
One person feels unheard or gaslit, while the other doubles down, hoping their version of events will stick.
In the long run, that person who never owns up to anything is going to be seen as someone who’s not really interested in honest communication or personal growth.
It’s not just about the mistakes we make; it’s about how we handle them. A little humility goes a long way, especially as we get older and (ideally) wiser.
2. They dwell on negativity
Mental health experts often emphasize that chronic negativity can lead to constant stress and burnout, ultimately affecting relationships and social circles.
This aligns with what I’ve seen in my counseling practice: persistent negativity doesn’t just hurt the negative individual—it also wears down everyone around them.
People want to feel uplifted, or at least neutral, when spending time with friends.
If one person continually drags down the atmosphere, that once-close-knit circle can break apart in a heartbeat.
After a while, people start bracing themselves whenever this person walks into the room. Eventually, they might stop inviting them altogether.
3. They communicate in passive-aggressive ways
“Passive-aggressive” is a buzzword, but it perfectly captures how certain people manage conflict.
Instead of speaking their truth openly, they give you the silent treatment, make sarcastic comments, or ‘forget’ to do things as a subtle form of payback.
I’ve seen how this plays out in many of my client sessions. One person avoids direct conflict at all costs, while the other is left guessing what actually went wrong.
And because there’s no honest conversation, resentment just festers beneath the surface, ready to explode later.
Brene Brown once said, “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”
It’s a quote I find myself repeating often because passive-aggressive communication is the epitome of being unclear.
It leaves everyone emotionally on edge and fosters an environment of suspicion. Over time, these little jabs can make a relationship downright intolerable.
Healthy communication is about honesty, even when the truth might be uncomfortable.
If someone can’t address issues straightforwardly, they’ll push people away without even realizing it, one snarky comment at a time.
4. They make everything about themselves
We’ve all been trapped in a conversation where the other person either interrupts or starts weaving their own stories into every topic.
It’s like their life is the only movie playing in the theater, and everyone else is stuck on the sidelines.
I get that we all have our moments of self-focus—I can ramble on about my latest travel adventure if you get me excited enough—but there’s a big difference between sharing genuine enthusiasm and refusing to acknowledge others’ experiences.
Genuine empathy is a critical component of any healthy relationship. Daniel Goleman, who wrote extensively on emotional intelligence, emphasized that empathy involves truly tuning into others’ feelings and perspectives.
People who constantly turn the conversation back to themselves lack this crucial emotional skill.
Eventually, hanging out with them starts to feel like a chore because you never feel heard or understood.
It’s especially maddening as the years go by, because your shared history might keep you connected, but the emotional fulfillment is nowhere to be found.
5. They hold onto grudges and never forgive
I once had a client—let’s call her Dana—who refused to forgive her sister for something that happened decades ago.
She barely remembered the exact details of the incident. All she knew was that she was still mad. It had become part of her identity, and she wore that anger like armor.
Unsurprisingly, she and her sister rarely spoke. When they did, it was nothing but tension and hostility.
Holding onto a grudge might initially feel like self-protection, but it warps into a cage that traps both the grudge-holder and the person they’re angry with.
In my experience, carrying a grudge for years is toxic to the person carrying it. The bitterness gnaws at them, and it seeps into how they interact with others.
Unfailingly, anyone who’s close enough to witness the endless rehashing of old dramas will start to pull away, realizing that life’s too short to be stuck in an eternal loop of grudges and grievances.
6. They resist personal growth or change
Some people hit a certain age and decide, “This is who I am, and I’m not changing.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that in a session
A refusal to learn new skills, try new experiences, or reflect on personal flaws comes off as rigid and stifling.
Whether it’s tackling new technology, adopting healthier relationship habits, or simply being open to hearing another perspective, growth is key to keeping our minds and hearts flexible.
When people lock themselves into a fixed mindset, they can become harshly judgmental of others who show curiosity or desire for change.
It’s easy to see how this could drive a wedge between them and everyone else.
Being around someone who’s stuck in “my way is the only way” mode leaves little room for authentic connection.
We all want to feel that the people we care about are able to evolve with us, or at least cheer us on as we evolve.
7. They constantly belittle or undermine others
I’ve saved a big one until last, friends. Sometimes, people who feel insecure in themselves go out of their way to cut others down.
It might be through snide remarks, “joking” insults, or comments that diminish someone’s achievements. Sometimes, this can escalate into outright bullying or emotional abuse.
The intention is often to make themselves feel superior or important, but the long-term effect is a near-complete isolation. Nobody wants to keep company with someone who picks them apart for sport.
When someone regularly makes you feel inadequate or small, it creates a rift that’s hard to mend. Belittlers may cling to a few loyal enablers, but most others will choose self-preservation and steer clear.
Ultimately, that pattern of undermining can strip away the support system they might need later in life, leaving them lonely and still lashing out.
Final thoughts
We all have our quirks, flaws, and moments where we slip into negative patterns. I’m certainly no saint.
However, the people who become truly intolerable as they age often display these seven behaviors without any self-awareness or desire to change.
Relationships thrive on empathy, accountability, mutual respect, and a willingness to grow.
When someone routinely ignores those essentials, it’s like they’re slamming the door shut on meaningful connection.
I often remind my clients—and myself—that it’s never too late to change course. We can learn new ways of interacting, work through grudges, and nurture empathy.
But first, we need to recognize the problem and take ownership of our part in it.
If these behaviors sound uncomfortably familiar, it might be time for some reflection. The beauty of life is that we do have the power to make different choices, no matter our age.
Signing off.
