Have you ever found yourself wishing for deeper connections but can’t figure out why those bonds never form?
You’re not alone. I’ve sat across from countless clients who say the same thing: they’re craving true friends—the kind you can call at 2 a.m. during a crisis—but for some reason, the magic isn’t happening.
I’ve been there, too. Early in my adult life, I was so focused on my career and day-to-day tasks that I inadvertently pushed people away.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want close friendships; it was that I was doing (or not doing) certain things that made forming them challenging.
If you’re nodding in agreement, let’s walk through seven behaviors that might be standing in your way—and how to change them.
1. You’re putting up unintentional walls
Do you tend to feel an invisible barrier between you and the people you meet?
Sometimes those walls spring up in subtle ways—like steering conversations to safe, shallow topics or laughing off emotional moments. I get it: vulnerability can be intimidating.
But as psychologist Brené Brown once said, “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.”
One reason we guard ourselves so fiercely is fear of rejection. We tell ourselves it’s safer to keep emotional distance, so we erect those invisible walls.
It might work for self-protection, but it also pushes potential friends away.
In my own experience, dismantling those walls starts with small steps, like sharing a personal story or truly listening when someone else does.
True connection thrives on a willingness to be seen, flaws and all.
2. You approach social situations with a negative mindset
I once met someone who would walk into a gathering and immediately declare it was “not their scene” or that “no one here is interesting.”
They rarely stayed long, and when they did, they mostly hovered around the edges, waiting for the moment they could leave.
Of course, we all have off days, but consistently expecting the worst from others can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Negativity colors every interaction. If your internal dialogue goes something like, “Everyone finds me boring,” you’re more likely to project that feeling or misinterpret a friendly gesture as mere politeness.
Fostering an optimistic outlook helps you remain open to deeper connections, instead of closing yourself off at the first sign of discomfort.
In fact, research shows that positive and happy people tend to have better relationships.
The shift starts with catching those pessimistic thoughts and asking, “Is that really true?” Often, we find a kinder, more balanced viewpoint just beneath the surface.
3. You dominate the conversation (or avoid it altogether)
Have you ever been so excited to share your day or vent about a problem that you forget to check in with the person listening?
I’ve done this a few times, especially in moments of stress.
The result? Friends start avoiding me because it feels like a one-sided relationship.
Ironically, I’ve also encountered folks who do the exact opposite—refuse to share anything at all. Both extremes can kill a growing friendship before it really blossoms.
This is where emotional intelligence comes into play. Psychologist Daniel Goleman emphasizes the importance of empathy and active listening in nurturing meaningful connections.
If you’re talking more than you’re listening, try pausing and inviting the other person to speak.
If you’re too quiet, challenge yourself to share at least one personal story or opinion.
Balance creates a safe space where both you and your friend can feel seen and heard.
4. You don’t make time (or you cancel too often)
Time is a precious commodity—something I learned quickly once I became busier with work and family life.
If you’re always saying “Let’s catch up soon” but never following through, friends might assume you’re not genuinely interested.
Or, if you constantly reschedule, it can come across like you’re treating people as an afterthought.
It’s not about spending every weekend together; it’s about showing up consistently.
Of course, life can get hectic, but nurturing a friendship requires a bit of time investment—no fancy dinners needed, just genuine presence. Even a quick coffee date can be enough to keep a friendship thriving.
5. You rely on surface-level conversations only
When it comes to relationships, depth matters more than breadth.
Small talk is fine for those first few interactions, but if you never move past the weather and TV shows, you’ll find yourself stuck in a superficial loop.
When I was younger, I thought I had plenty of friends, but I realized most of those “connections” were based on quick hellos, shallow laughs, and mutual acquaintances.
Digging deeper doesn’t mean oversharing. It means offering a window into your experiences and asking thoughtful questions about the other person’s life.
Susan Cain has pointed out, “There’s zero correlation between being the best talker and having the best ideas.”
In other words, you don’t need to be the loudest person in the room. You just need the courage to explore topics that matter—values, dreams, fears—areas where true friendship can take root.
6. You let your insecurities run the show
A personal anecdote: There was a time when I was overly concerned with what people thought of me—my clothes, my job title, even my sense of humor. I’d hold back on jokes or stories, worried someone might think I was weird.
The paradox is that worrying too much about being judged often leads to more awkwardness. People sense the tension, and it becomes a barrier to authentic bonding.
This is where a bit of self-compassion can go a long way. Embracing your quirks can actually draw the right people closer to you.
Psychologists have always highlighted that nurturing a healthy self-esteem can significantly improve the quality of our friendships.
This is why, in my counseling sessions, I often encourage clients to list traits they value about themselves—creativity, kindness, resilience—and lean on those qualities as a base of confidence.
When you value who you are, others are more likely to recognize your worth, too.
7. You hold onto grudges or past hurts
This one is kind of a no-brainer, but it does deserve repeating – holding grudges or rehashing old wounds can poison friendships, or any kind of relationship for that matter.
I’ve seen clients who seem baffled by why they can’t keep friends around, only to realize they cling to resentment over minor disagreements.
Those unresolved feelings take up emotional space and leave little room for compassion or understanding.
Maya Angelou had a great line for this: “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
If you make people feel like you’re constantly judging or punishing them for small mishaps, they’ll think twice about sticking around.
Letting go of grudges doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings. It means recognizing that everyone—including you—makes mistakes.
Sometimes, the best way to grow a friendship is by acknowledging that imperfection is part of being human and choosing to move forward with kindness.
Final thoughts
Every single one of us craves genuine connection on some level. If you’ve been struggling to form close friendships, there’s hope in realizing that small behavioral shifts can make a world of difference.
Often, it’s the seemingly minor habits—like how willing you are to share, how often you follow through on plans, or how you handle disagreements—that determine whether a relationship moves beyond acquaintance territory.
The reality is, you don’t need an overnight transformation—just a willingness to look inward and show up a little differently.
Each small step can unlock bigger opportunities for connection, bringing you closer to friendships that feel genuinely supportive and joyful.
No one’s perfect at this (myself included!), but the good news is that friendship is a forgiving process.
Every day is another chance to try again, listen more intently, or open up just a bit further. Keep at it, and before you know it, you’ll find yourself surrounded by the kind of closeness you’ve been wanting all along.
Signing off
