As a relationship counselor, I’ve met countless individuals who’ve spent years trying to appease someone who tramples all over their emotional well-being.
I often ask, “What made you decide it’s time to set firmer limits?”
The answers range from hitting rock bottom to having a sudden realization that they’re worth more than the treatment they’ve been getting.
When people stand up for themselves around a person with these toxic traits, it can spark a bizarre, yet predictable chain of responses.
After running my counseling practice for a number of years—and even writing a book on codependency—I’ve had front-row seats to some complicated relationship dynamics.
Narcissistic personalities, in particular, tend to operate from a playbook that gets especially active when boundaries go up.
I’m sharing these insights to empower you if you’ve found yourself in that exact situation. Here are seven behaviors to look out for once you decide enough is enough.
1. They shift into victim mode
It’s fascinating how someone can go from calling the shots to whining that “nobody cares about them” the moment you take a step back.
You might have witnessed this firsthand: they suddenly become the ultimate wounded soul, claiming you’ve abandoned or betrayed them.
A few of my clients have described the confusion they feel when they see this drastic switch.
This performance can be incredibly convincing. The crew at Psych Central has highlighted that a self-focused individual will often twist reality to appear as if they’re the one being mistreated.
They’ll do it through dramatic displays of sadness, or by mentioning all the ways “you never truly understood” them.
If you notice yourself feeling guilty or second-guessing your own instincts, pause.
Ask yourself: Am I really being unfair, or is this a manipulation tactic?
That moment of clarity might help you stay anchored in your new boundary.
2. They try love-bombing
Have you ever experienced someone pulling a complete 180 and suddenly showering you with praise, gifts, and attention?
In many cases, that’s not a genuine change of heart; it’s a strategic move to lure you back into the old dynamic.
Love-bombing is all about creating a burst of positive vibes so you drop your guard.
A former client of mine had this happen soon after she set stricter rules about personal space and communication.
She told me she received surprise deliveries at work, countless affectionate text messages, and even an invitation to a fancy weekend getaway.
However, this upswing in affection didn’t last. Once she gave in, the controlling behavior returned.
Watch for this rollercoaster effect. It’s a pattern meant to make you second-guess whether your boundaries were ever necessary in the first place.
3. They resort to gaslighting
Gaslighting is one of the most destabilizing tactics you can face.
It’s the subtle (or sometimes blatant) rewriting of reality to make you question your own sanity.
In my work, I’ve seen people become so convinced by their partner’s twisted version of events that they start apologizing for things they never even did.
This might sound painfully familiar.
Maybe you told a friend you felt disrespected by a snarky remark. Then the next thing you know, you’re being accused of being “too sensitive” and “imagining slights where none exist.”
When you start setting boundaries, narcissists will definitely employ this strategy in the hopes of regaining control over you.
According to psychologists, gaslighting is actually a form of abuse. So stand firm, and trust your instincts.
If you ever start to wonder, “Am I losing it?” take a breather. Speak to someone you trust or journal the facts so you can keep a solid grip on what really happened.
4. They lash out in anger
I remember a client saying, “It was like a switch flipped—one minute everything was calm, and the next, I was getting yelled at and accused of random things.”
That sudden surge of anger can feel like an ambush, and it can leave you paralyzed, especially if you’ve been the peacekeeper in the relationship.
When you’re used to tiptoeing around someone’s temper, it’s terrifying to witness it firsthand.
This outburst often happens because you’re essentially dismantling their sense of control.
By establishing new rules and saying, “Here’s what I will and won’t tolerate,” you’re threatening the status quo they’ve grown used to.
Rather than adjusting, they might escalate the conflict by throwing a fit in an attempt to scare you back into compliance.
I always suggest having a plan in place, whether it’s stepping into another room or giving yourself some space to regroup, so that you’re not cornered by their rage.
5. They play on your empathy
If you’re like many of the people who come into my office, your sense of empathy can become a magnet for manipulative behavior.
When stonewalling and intimidation don’t work, some individuals switch tactics and start telling stories designed to pull at your heartstrings.
Maybe they’ll bring up childhood trauma or a recent streak of bad luck, painting themselves as someone who desperately needs your unconditional support.
Manipulative personalities often lean on emotional appeals when they sense resistance to their usual methods.
It’s tricky because you want to be understanding—you are a caring person, after all—but there’s a difference between genuine vulnerability and emotional blackmail.
You can acknowledge someone’s feelings while still holding firm to the boundaries that protect your own mental well-being. That balance is tough but crucial.
6. They recruit allies (a.k.a. the smear campaign)
One of the most distressing moves is when they start rallying friends, family, or coworkers to their side.
Suddenly, you notice snide remarks from people who were once your supporters, or you sense the atmosphere change when you walk into a room.
That can be a telltale sign they’ve launched a smear campaign against you.
A woman I once counseled shared how her partner systematically turned their mutual friends against her by exaggerating her flaws and painting her as the bad guy for “suddenly shutting him out.”
When you’re dealing with this third-party drama, it’s natural to feel pressured to cave in.
However, remember that boundaries are not about being mean; they’re about self-preservation.
If people genuinely want to understand what’s happening, they’ll talk to you directly rather than taking the gossip at face value.
7. They try to wear you down over time
Finally, some personalities don’t show their displeasure in obvious ways.
Instead, they keep testing and pushing, hoping you’ll eventually fold. I call it the “slow erosion tactic.”
They may start by crossing small lines and then apologize (“It was an accident—I’m just used to how things were.”).
Then they add a condescending remark here, a dismissive shrug there.
Over time, they hope these little pinpricks chip away at your newfound limits.
If you don’t stay vigilant, you might find yourself back in old patterns without even realizing it.
This is precisely why it’s vital to remind yourself of the progress you’ve made.
Journaling can help, especially if you track how you feel each time your line is crossed.
These records can serve as evidence that, yes, your intuition has been right all along.
Final thoughts
Standing up for yourself isn’t always a smooth or comfortable ride, and certain personalities make it especially bumpy.
If you recognize any of these seven tactics, take heart—it means you’re probably doing something right by establishing clear emotional lines.
That doesn’t mean the process is painless, but it does mean you’re on the path to healthier self-esteem and healthier relationships overall.
Just remember why you’re doing this: you deserve to be treated with respect and to have your emotional boundaries honored.
Signing off.
