Picture this: You’re doing your best as a parent — setting rules, offering advice, and trying to keep peace in a house full of strong-willed personalities.
Then, out of nowhere, your child snaps back with a frustrated, “You never listen to me!” Sound familiar?
As a relationship expert and founder of the Love Connection blog, I’ve seen this scene play out in countless families.
The hard truth is, that sometimes the things we do with the best intentions can actually make our kids feel unheard or misunderstood. And over time, that can turn into resentment.
But here’s the thing — you’re not alone, and this isn’t about blame.
It’s about recognizing the small, everyday behaviors that might be having a bigger impact than you realize.
In this article, we’ll explore what those behaviors look like and, more importantly, how to shift them for a more positive connection with your kids.
1) Inconsistent discipline
In my experience as a relationship expert, I’ve observed that children who grow up resentful or hostile often have parents who are inconsistent with discipline.
Think about it. It’s confusing for a child if one day a behavior is acceptable, and the next day it’s not. This inconsistency can breed resentment and hostility, as children struggle to understand the seemingly arbitrary rules they’re expected to follow.
Inconsistency in discipline can make a child feel insecure, and uncertain about what is expected from them. This insecurity can manifest itself as resentment or hostility as the child grows older.
It’s essential to remember that being consistent doesn’t mean being harsh. It means setting clear boundaries and sticking to them, while still being loving and understanding.
This isn’t about being a strict parent, it’s about being a reliable one. Consistency provides a sense of safety and predictability, which can help children grow up feeling secure and loved.
2) Lack of emotional availability
As a mother myself, I know that parenting can sometimes feel like a juggling act. Amid the chaos of daily life, it’s crucial not to overlook the importance of emotional availability.
Emotional availability is about being present and engaged with your child’s feelings. It means listening to them, validating their emotions, and offering comfort or advice when needed.
The famous poet Maya Angelou once said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” This quote rings especially true in the context of parenting.
Your child might not remember every word you say or every action you take. But they will always remember how you made them feel. If they consistently feel dismissed or ignored, resentment and hostility can build up over time.
So make sure you’re there for your children, not just physically but emotionally too. Show them that their feelings matter to you.
3) Over-dependency
As a parent, it’s natural to want to protect your child from harm and hardship. But there’s a fine line between protection and fostering over-dependency.
Over-dependency happens when parents do everything for their child, preventing them from learning essential life skills. This can lead to resentment and hostility as the child grows up feeling helpless or incapable.
In my book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, I discuss how dependency can seep into our relationships, causing harm without us even realizing it.
The same principles apply to parenting. Encouraging independence doesn’t mean abandoning your child to figure things out on their own. It’s about being there to guide them while allowing them to learn and grow.
So, the next time you’re tempted to complete a task for your child that they’re capable of doing themselves, take a step back.
Allow them the opportunity to learn, grow, and become self-reliant. Not only can this prevent resentment and hostility, but it also fosters self-esteem and confidence in your child.
4) Too much praise
Now, this one might seem counterintuitive. After all, isn’t praise a good thing? Well, yes, but only when it’s used appropriately.
Many parents believe that lavishing their children with praise will boost their self-esteem and make them feel loved. However, excessive praise can have the opposite effect.
When children are praised for every little thing they do, they may start to question the sincerity of the praise. They might start to believe that they’re only valued for their achievements, not for who they are as individuals.
Additionally, too much praise can set unrealistic expectations. Children may become afraid of failure or making mistakes because they feel the need to live up to the constant praise they receive.
So, while it’s important to acknowledge and celebrate your child’s achievements, remember to also value their efforts and character.
5) Lack of quality time
Between work, errands, and the hustle and bustle of everyday life, it can be easy to let quality time with our children slip through the cracks. As a mother and a relationship expert, I can vouch for how important this time truly is.
Quality time is about more than just being in the same room with your child. It’s about actively engaging with them, showing interest in their activities, and being present in the moment.
Children who don’t get enough quality time with their parents may feel neglected or unimportant, which can lead to feelings of resentment and hostility.
So whether it’s a game of catch in the backyard, a family movie night, or simply chatting about their day at dinner time, make sure to carve out some quality time with your child each day.
It’s these moments that help nurture a strong parent-child bond and prevent negative feelings from taking root.
6) Unresolved personal issues
This is a difficult one, but it’s important to address. As parents, we’re not flawless.
We carry our own baggage, our own unresolved issues from our past. And sometimes, these can impact how we parent.
Whether it’s unresolved anger, anxiety, or even experiences from our own childhood that we haven’t fully dealt with, these can unintentionally seep into our interactions with our children.
Children are perceptive and they can pick up on these underlying issues, even if we think we’re doing a good job of hiding them.
The truth is, to be the best parent we can be, sometimes we need to take a hard look at ourselves first. This might mean seeking therapy or counseling to work through personal issues that could be affecting our parenting.
It’s not easy facing our own demons. In doing this not only are you helping yourself, but you’re also helping your child by breaking any negative cycles that could be passed down.
7) Lack of empathy
Empathy is a crucial ingredient in any relationship, and parenting is no exception. It’s about understanding and sharing the feelings of your child.
When empathy is missing from the parent-child relationship, children can feel misunderstood and isolated. This can breed resentment and hostility as they grow older.
I remember when my own daughter was going through a tough phase. I found that simply sitting down with her, acknowledging her feelings, and showing her that I understood made a world of difference.
By showing your child that you genuinely care about their feelings, you’re not only validating their emotions but also fostering a nurturing and supportive environment.
8) Not admitting mistakes
This is a challenging one for many of us. As parents, we often feel the need to present ourselves as infallible to our children.
But the truth is, we’re human, and we make mistakes too.
Failing to admit our mistakes can send a damaging message to our children. It can create an unrealistic expectation of perfection and make them feel that it’s wrong to make mistakes.
On the other hand, when we own up to our mistakes, we show our children that it’s okay to be imperfect. We teach them about responsibility and accountability, about the importance of making amends.
Moreover, not admitting our mistakes can lead to resentment and hostility. Our children may feel that they’re always the ones being blamed or that their feelings are not valid.
So the next time you make a mistake, whether it’s losing your patience or forgetting a promise, admit it.
Apologize sincerely, and let your child see that everyone makes mistakes. It’s not the mistake itself but how we handle it that truly matters.
Conclusion
Parenting is an incredible journey, filled with joy, love, and yes, occasional stumbles. No one is perfect, and it’s okay to make mistakes. What’s important is learning from them and striving to be better.
The behaviors we’ve discussed in this article are not meant to blame or shame anyone. They’re simply common patterns that can lead to resentment and hostility in children.
By recognizing and addressing these behaviors, we can foster healthier parent-child relationships.
If you’d like to delve deeper into the subject of dependency in relationships, consider checking out my book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship. It offers useful insights on how to build stronger, healthier relationships with those we love.
At the end of the day, our goal as parents is to raise happy, healthy, and emotionally secure children. And sometimes, that starts with looking inward and acknowledging our own areas for growth. Happy parenting!
