Why do some people make jokes at others’ expense?
For many, it’s not about being funny—it’s a way to manage their own insecurities or gain attention.
This behavior often reveals a pattern tied to specific personality traits, such as an inflated ego or poor self-awareness. Recognizing these tendencies is the first step toward addressing them and fostering more respectful communication.
So without further ado, let’s dive in:
1) Insecurity
The first trait you’ll often notice with people who joke at the expense of others is insecurity.
Behind the laughter and seemingly lighthearted banter, there’s often a deep-seated unease. These individuals might not feel good about themselves, and unfortunately, they use humor as a way to bring others down to their level.
It’s a defense mechanism, a way to mask their own insecurities. By making others the butt of the joke, they deflect attention away from their own flaws and vulnerabilities.
This isn’t to say that every joke at another’s expense stems from insecurity. But if it’s a consistent pattern, it’s likely a smokescreen for deeper issues.
2) Lack of empathy
Another trait that’s often present in individuals who resort to humor at the expense of others is a lack of empathy.
I recall a time when I had a friend, let’s call him Mark, who had an uncanny knack for making everyone laugh. But the humor was often at someone else’s expense. It seemed like he couldn’t comprehend how his jokes might make the person on the receiving end feel.
Once, he made a joke about my fear of heights during a social gathering. Sure, everyone laughed, but I felt embarrassed and belittled. When I confronted him about it later, he simply shrugged it off, saying it was just a joke and that I shouldn’t take it personally.
Mark’s lack of empathy was evident; he didn’t understand or acknowledge the emotional impact his words had on others. This trait, coupled with his need to make others the butt of his jokes, made it clear that there was more to his humor than just being funny.
3) Need for control
People who use humor as a tool to put others down often have a deep-rooted need for control.
The ability to dictate the atmosphere of a social situation, or to shift focus away from themselves and onto another person, gives them a sense of control they might otherwise lack in different aspects of their lives.
A study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found that people who resort to disparaging humor may be doing so as a way to assert dominance and establish a higher social status within a group.
Using humor in this way allows them to maintain control without appearing overtly aggressive or domineering.
This need for control often goes hand in hand with insecurity – the two traits can feed off each other, creating a cycle where the person feels the need to continuously assert their dominance through humor.
4) Craving attention
Another common trait among individuals who put others down with humor is an intense craving for attention. They often use their wit as a spotlight, ensuring all eyes and ears are focused on them.
These individuals typically thrive in the limelight and might feel uncomfortable or overlooked when they’re not the center of attention. Making jokes at the expense of others is their way of grabbing the spotlight and keeping it firmly on themselves.
It’s also a way for them to feel validated. The laughter and acknowledgment they receive from their audience — even if it’s at the expense of someone else — feeds their need for recognition and approval.
However, this constant need for attention can often lead to strained relationships, as their friends or colleagues may start to feel used or disrespected.
5) Struggle with vulnerability
Deep down, people who use humor to put others down often have a significant struggle with vulnerability. They may find it difficult to express genuine emotions or admit to their fears and insecurities.
Instead of opening up about their feelings, they use humor as a defense mechanism, a way to keep people at arm’s length. By making others the subject of their jokes, they’re able to avoid the spotlight being turned on their own vulnerabilities.
This struggle can be heartbreaking. It can prevent the person from forming deep, meaningful relationships, as they’re constantly hiding behind a veil of humor.
6) Low self-esteem
Low self-esteem is often lurking behind the laughter of those who jest at the expense of others. They might perceive themselves as less than, or not good enough, and use humor as a way to overcompensate for these feelings.
There was a time in my life when I struggled with self-esteem.
I found myself using humor to cover up my insecurities. Making others laugh made me feel valued and accepted, even if the jokes were at the expense of someone else. It was an unhealthy coping mechanism that I eventually had to address.
People with low self-esteem might find it difficult to believe in their own worth without these external validations. The laughter they receive from their jokes serves as a temporary boost to their confidence.
However, it’s a short-lived solution that doesn’t address the root issue. Building genuine self-esteem takes time and often requires introspection, self-acceptance, and sometimes professional help.
7) Fear of intimacy
People who resort to humor to put others down often harbor a fear of intimacy. They may use jokes as a shield, preventing others from getting too close or seeing their true selves.
This fear can stem from various factors such as past traumas, trust issues, or a lack of self-love. By making others the butt of their jokes, they create an emotional distance that protects them from potential hurt or rejection.
The irony is, while they may think they’re protecting themselves, this behavior often leaves them feeling isolated and misunderstood. It’s a defense mechanism that ultimately works against their desire for genuine connection and intimacy.
Breaking through this fear often requires patience, understanding, and sometimes professional assistance.
8) Lack of self-awareness
Perhaps the most crucial trait shared by people who use humor to put others down is a lack of self-awareness. They may not realize the impact of their words on others, or even understand why they resort to this behavior in the first place.
Self-awareness involves recognizing our actions, understanding our motivations, and seeing how these affect those around us.
Without it, individuals may continue to hurt others with their humor without understanding the damage they’re causing.
Highlighting this lack of self-awareness isn’t about blaming or shaming those who joke at the expense of others. It’s about fostering understanding and encouraging growth.
Because with awareness comes the potential for change.
Final thoughts: It’s about understanding, not blaming
The complexities of human behavior and interactions are shaped by a myriad of factors, from personal experiences and insecurities to deep-seated fears and desires.
When it comes to people who use humor to put others down, it’s essential to understand that their actions often stem from personal struggles that they might not even be aware of themselves.
These individuals may be dealing with low self-esteem, a fear of vulnerability, or a need for control. Their jokes, while seemingly harmless on the surface, might be a coping mechanism for deeper insecurities.
This isn’t to excuse their behavior or suggest that it’s okay to hurt others under the guise of humor. However, understanding these underlying factors can help us approach such individuals with empathy and patience.
Instead of reacting negatively or taking their jokes personally, we can strive to understand their behavior. By doing so, we open up the possibility for dialogue and growth, both for ourselves and for the person making the jokes.
