As a relationship expert, I’ve had a number of people come to me and ask why their relationship just never seem to work out.
They tell me it feels like they’re stuck on repeat, always ending up in the same situation, unable to find “the one.”
And so, their solution whenever things go south is to quit. Then jump into a new relationship to find someone better.
This cycle might seem like a proactive approach to finding the perfect match, but it often overlooks a crucial aspect: self-reflection.
Without understanding and addressing one’s own role in these repeated patterns, finding a lasting connection becomes almost impossible.
Instead of always aiming to meet someone new, perhaps it’s time to meet a new version of oneself. And it begins with a little self-reflection.
So today, I’ll share 7 specific behaviors that tend to be common among people who struggle to maintain a relationship. These behaviors are often subconscious, making them all the more damaging.
Let’s get started!
1) Over-sharing too soon
We all understand the importance of being open and honest in a relationship. It’s the cornerstone of building trust and forming a deep, meaningful connection.
But there’s a crucial difference between being open and oversharing, especially in the early stages of a relationship.
Imagine stepping into an elevator and someone instantly launches into their life story, sharing their deepest fears and insecurities within the first few minutes. It’s overwhelming and off-putting, right?
The same goes for relationships. Diving too deep too soon can scare potential partners away.
Dating coach Chelsey Sterling says, “It isn’t appropriate for us to share all of our vulnerabilities with a stranger upfront. It’s too much closeness that they haven’t earned yet.
As much as we might wish there was, there is no true way to hot-wire authentic connection. Deep acceptance and emotional intimacy are things that are built slowly, over time. Healthy sharing happens when we reveal ourselves to new people little by little.”
A relationship, especially a new one, is not a therapy session. While it’s important to share your feelings and experiences, try to pace yourself. Revealing too much too soon can put an unnecessary pressure on the other person and may lead them to seek an exit.
2) Being too self-sufficient
We live in a society that values self-sufficiency. It’s seen as a strength, an admirable trait. And while it’s important to be independent, there’s a fine line between self-sufficiency and pushing people away.
In a relationship, it’s crucial to allow your partner to feel needed and important. If you’re always taking care of everything yourself and never asking for help or input, it can make the other person feel superfluous.
Partners want to contribute, to feel like they are part of a team. If you’re always the one calling the shots, making the decisions, and handling all the challenges, it can create an imbalance that breeds resentment and disconnect.
So take a step back, ask for help when you need it, and allow your partner to step up. You might just find that this simple act strengthens your bond and brings you closer together.
3) Fearing solitude
It’s a feeling many of us are familiar with – that gnawing fear of being alone, of not having someone by our side. Yet, in relationships, this fear can lead to unhealthy patterns and behaviors.
If you find yourself jumping from one relationship to another, unable to spend time alone, you might be using relationships as a crutch to avoid facing your own fears and insecurities.
In my book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, I delve deeper into how this fear of solitude can lead to codependent behaviors.
Being comfortable with your own company is vital for cultivating a healthy relationship. It gives you the space to grow as an individual, to know who you are, and what you want from life and love.
A relationship should complement your life, not complete it. It’s okay to be single, to take time for yourself. Sometimes, the most important relationship we can have is the one we have with ourselves.
4) Ignoring red flags
We’ve all been there – the early stages of a relationship where everything seems perfect, and we’re so smitten that we overlook certain behaviors that, in any other situation, would raise alarm bells.
Ignoring red flags is a common behavior among people who struggle to hold down a relationship.
It’s easy to make excuses or believe that things will change with time. But more often than not, these early warning signals are indicative of a person’s true character.
As the poet Maya Angelou wisely said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
So next time you find yourself excusing certain behaviors or turning a blind eye to obvious red flags, pause and consider what you’re really signing up for.
Sometimes, it’s better to be single than in a relationship that doesn’t serve your best interests.
5) Avoiding conflict
It might sound counterintuitive, but avoiding conflict can actually be detrimental to a relationship.
I’ve seen it time and again – people don’t want to make a fuss, so they sweep issues under the rug instead of addressing them.
The problem is, these issues don’t just magically disappear. They simmer below the surface and can ultimately lead to resentment and bigger fights down the line.
We often associate conflict with negativity, but it’s actually a healthy and necessary part of any relationship. It’s through disagreements that we learn more about our partner, their needs, and how to compromise.
6) Neglecting personal growth
Ever heard the saying, “You can’t pour from an empty cup”? It’s a simple but powerful reminder that we need to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others.
In relationships, it’s easy to lose ourselves, to focus so much on our partner that we neglect our own needs and personal growth.
The thing is, a healthy relationship requires two whole individuals, each bringing their unique selves to the table.
I’ve noticed this in my own life – when I make time for my own interests and self-care, I bring a more balanced and fulfilled version of myself to my relationships.
So keep learning, keep growing, and remember to take care of yourself. Your relationships will thank you for it.
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7) Holding on to past hurts
We all carry wounds from our past – failed relationships, broken hearts, betrayals. These experiences shape us, but they can also haunt us if we let them.
Holding on to past hurts can cause you to bring baggage into your new relationships. You might find yourself expecting the worst, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
This can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy where you push your partner away, creating the very ending you feared.
Fair warning –it’s hard. Letting go of past wounds isn’t easy; it takes time and a lot of self-reflection. But it’s necessary if you want to build a healthy relationship.
A new love deserves a clean slate, an opportunity to write its own story without being colored by the ghosts of your past.
So take time to heal, to forgive, not for anyone else but for yourself. Because you deserve love that is free from the shadows of the past.
Final thoughts
C.S. Lewis once said, “You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.”
I think this is a wise thought to have when you’re in a relationship. It’s a reminder that while past relationships and patterns may not be alterable, your future in love isn’t predetermined.
Every day offers a new opportunity to evolve, to make different choices, and to foster healthier interactions.
By focusing on personal growth and understanding your own role in relationships, you can shift from a cycle of blame and repetition to one of learning and deeper connection. It’s about taking control of your story and crafting the kind of ending you truly desire.
As we wrap up this discussion, I recommend you watch this insightful video by Justin Brown. Justin explores the complexities of finding a life partner. His reflections on shared values, growth, and mutual support in a relationship offer valuable insights that align with what we’ve been discussing here.
Remember, every step you take on this journey of self-discovery and personal growth brings you closer to cultivating healthier relationships. You got this!
