We’ve all been there: someone asks to borrow money, promising to pay you back “as soon as they can” and even throwing in a few “You’re the best!” for good measure.
But the moment they’ve got what they want, it’s like you’ve vanished from their social radar.
Calls? Ignored. Texts? Left on read.
Suddenly, they’re too busy to even look at your messages. It’s not just bad manners; it’s a psychological play!
In this article, we’ll dive into the 8 traits people who are only nice when they need something tend to have—and how to spot them before you’re left holding the bag!
1) They’re usually inconsistent in their kindness
Ever noticed how some people’s kindness seems to fluctuate?
One moment, they’re warm, smiling, and eager to help. The next, they seem distant, indifferent, or even rude. This inconsistency isn’t just a personality quirk — it can be a red flag. People who are only kind when they need something often exhibit this behavior.
Their kindness isn’t constant; it’s conditional, tied to their own needs and desires. Once their goals are achieved, their demeanor changes, often becoming cold or uninterested. This inconsistency signals that their kindness may not be genuine, but rather a strategic tool used to manipulate situations or people.
As Samuel Johnson once said, “The true measure of a person is how they treat someone who can do them absolutely no good.” True kindness is unconditional, lasting beyond personal gain, and isn’t dependent on what someone can offer in return.
2) They often use the concept of reciprocity
You might’ve come across this term before. But what exactly is reciprocity?
In simplest terms, reciprocity is a social norm where if someone does something for you, you feel compelled to do something for them in return. And believe it or not, this principle is hardwired into us humans.
Now, don’t get me wrong.
Reciprocity isn’t inherently bad. It’s a key part of building and maintaining healthy relationships. But here’s the catch…
People who are only kind to you when they need something have mastered the art of using reciprocity to their advantage. They’ll do you a favor, be extra nice, or go out of their way for you – all with the expectation that you’ll feel compelled to reciprocate when they need something from you.
3) They’re not as empathetic as they seem
Now, you might be wondering, “But aren’t kind people supposed to be empathetic?”
Well, yes and no.
Empathy is about truly understanding and sharing the feelings of others. It’s selfless, genuine, and doesn’t come with expectations. However, some individuals know how to mimic empathy. They’ll appear understanding, sympathetic, and perfectly in tune with your emotions, making it seem as if they genuinely care.
For example, a colleague may comfort you during a difficult time, offering a listening ear and words of support. But once they’ve gained your trust or secured the favor they were seeking, their attentiveness fades.
When their own interests no longer align with your situation, you might find them surprisingly distant, indifferent, or detached.
4) They frequently indulge in flattery
Ever had someone shower you with compliments, to the point where it felt a bit too much?
While it’s nice to be appreciated, excessive flattery can sometimes be a manipulation tactic. People who are only kind to you when they need something use flattery as a way to win your favor.
They’ll praise you, compliment you, make you feel special, and boost your ego. All these actions are designed to create a positive impression of them in your mind.
Genuine compliments come from a place of sincerity and do not have ulterior motives attached. On the other hand, flattery used by these individuals is more about them than you.
5) They have a pattern of using people
Patterns don’t lie.
If you start noticing a trend in someone’s behavior, it’s usually not a coincidence. People who are kind only when they need something have a history of using others to their advantage.
Here are some things you might notice:
- They frequently change friends or partners.
- They have a history of broken relationships.
- They often talk about others in terms of what they can get from them.
No one is perfect, and we all have our fair share of relationship hiccups. But if someone consistently shows a pattern of using others, it might be more than just bad luck.
It could be a sign that they view relationships primarily as a means to an end, rather than genuine connections.
6) They aren’t genuinely interested in you
One thing I’ve noticed over the years is that truly kind people are genuinely interested in others. They ask about your day, your interests, your feelings, and they really listen to your answers.
Now, let’s contrast this with people who are only kind to you when they need something.
They might ask about your life or engage in conversation, but there’s a difference. Their questions serve to steer the conversation towards their needs or interests. It’s less about getting to know you and more about setting the stage for their request.
They might compliment your problem-solving skills before asking for help with a personal issue. Or they might praise your generosity right before asking for a favor.
Taking a moment to reflect on our interactions with them, we might notice that their interest in us feels superficial or fleeting, driven more by their current needs than by a genuine desire to connect.
7) They create a sense of obligation
Picture this: A friend who always checks in on you, offers to help with your errands, and frequently makes thoughtful gestures. At first, it feels heartwarming, like someone truly cares. But over time, you may start to feel a growing sense of discomfort—almost as if you’re indebted to them.
Why does this happen?
Their kindness often comes with a subtle reminder of their past gestures, creating a sense of unspoken obligation. Those who offer kindness only when they need something have a knack for making you feel like you owe them.
“Real generosity is doing something nice for someone who will never find out,” Frank A. Clark observed. The kindness they offer isn’t truly selfless; it’s calculated to ensure you remember their favors, subtly building an expectation for something in return. This hidden agenda leaves you questioning the true nature of their kindness.
8) They disappear when they don’t need anything
Stop reaching out, or their responses become slow and curt. You might find that some people disappear once they’ve gotten what they wanted from you.
They’re eager to help and give their attention when they need a favor, but as soon as that need is fulfilled, they fade into the background.
Suddenly, you’re no longer a priority. Their messages become sparse, and their responses are distant.
This “out of sight, out of mind” behavior shows that their connection to you was conditional, tied to their own interests.
Genuine kindness doesn’t fade once the favor is done—it remains steady, regardless of what’s gained in return.
Spotting hidden agendas in kindness
If it’s just money, maybe it’s still manageable.
But when it’s your time, trust, and energy on the line, that’s when it becomes crucial to recognize the signs.
You don’t want to be left feeling drained or unappreciated after helping someone who only reached out because they needed something.
True kindness doesn’t come with an agenda—it’s consistent, selfless, and enduring.
So next time someone’s acts of kindness feel more like a one-sided transaction, trust your gut.
Don’t let yourself be part of their cycle, and remember, genuine generosity never fades when the favor is done.
