Codependency can creep up on you before you even realize it. It’s subtle, often disguised as being supportive and caring for your partner.
I’m Tina Fey, founder of the Love Connection blog, and I’ve seen this happen countless times to couples I work with.
But let’s not confuse things. Being there for your partner is one thing, but when your life starts orbiting around them, it’s a different ball game altogether.
That’s when it starts to become codependency.
In my experience as a relationship expert, I’ve noticed certain signs that could indicate you’re slipping into codependency with your partner without even noticing it.
So, buckle up! Here are eight signs you’re becoming codependent with your partner (without realizing it).
Let’s get you back on track to a balanced and healthy relationship.
1) You find it difficult to say no
In my years of relationship counseling, one of the first signs of codependency that I’ve observed is a difficulty in saying no to your partner.
Saying no is an essential part of any healthy relationship. It sets boundaries and ensures that your needs are respected.
But when you’re codependent, this simple two-letter word can feel like the hardest thing to say.
You might fear that saying no will upset your partner or even lead to a fight. So, you end up agreeing to things that you’re not comfortable with or don’t have time for.
It’s okay to have your own interests, time, and space. And it’s okay to say no.
If you’re constantly stepping out of your comfort zone to accommodate your partner’s needs, you might be sliding into codependency without realizing it.
2) Your mood depends on your partner’s mood
Back when I started studying relationship dynamics, I encountered a quote from the phenomenal Maya Angelou: “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
This quote resonated with me, and I’ve seen its truth in many relationships.
When you’re codependent, your emotional state becomes directly tied to your partner’s. If they’re happy, you’re on top of the world. But if they’re upset, your day goes down the drain.
Sure, it’s natural to feel empathy for your partner and be affected by their mood to some extent.
But when their emotions start dictating yours or they become your only source of joy, that’s a red flag.
Mood contagion is real, but remember, you should have control over your own feelings. If this doesn’t sound like you, it might be time to check in on your relationship dynamics.
3) You neglect your own needs
In my book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, I discuss how one of the most telling signs of codependency is neglecting your own needs.
When you’re in a codependent relationship, you’re likely to prioritize your partner’s needs over yours.
You might find yourself skipping meals, losing sleep, or even ignoring your personal interests and hobbies, all because your partner’s needs take precedence.
I remember a time when I was so caught up in my partner’s world that I forgot to take care of myself.
It was a wake-up call that helped me understand the importance of self-care in maintaining a healthy relationship.
I share this and other personal experiences in my book to help you recognize and overcome codependency.
Remember, it’s essential to make time for yourself and prioritize your own needs.
If you’re constantly putting your partner first and forgetting about yourself, it could be a sign of codependency.
4) You feel responsible for your partner’s actions
Now, this might seem counterintuitive, but feeling overly responsible for your partner’s actions is a telltale sign of codependency.
It’s normal to feel concern for your partner’s wellbeing.
But when you start taking on their problems as your own and feeling like it’s your duty to fix them, you’re stepping into codependency territory.
I’ve seen this happen in many relationships I’ve counseled. It’s as if partners believe they can somehow control or change their significant other’s behavior through their own actions or sacrifices.
This not only puts an unfair burden on you but also takes away from your partner’s personal responsibility.
Everyone is accountable for their own actions. It’s not your job to fix your partner or shoulder the consequences of their choices.
If you find yourself constantly worrying about or trying to control your partner’s actions, it might be time to reassess the balance in your relationship.
5) You feel anxious when they’re away
I remember a time when my partner went on a business trip.
I felt so anxious, almost like a part of me was missing. That’s when I realized how codependent our relationship had become.
Feeling anxious when your partner is away is another sign of codependency.
It’s as if you can’t function without them, even for a short period. You might worry excessively about their safety, or feel lost not knowing what they’re doing every minute of the day.
While it’s normal to miss your partner when they’re away, excessive worry or anxiety can be indicative of a deeper issue.
It can mean that you’ve tied your sense of security and identity too closely to your partner.
If you relate to this, it might be time to reevaluate your relationship dynamics and work towards fostering a healthier sense of independence.
6) You’re afraid of losing them
Let’s get real for a moment. Fear of abandonment or losing your partner is a raw, honest sign of codependency.
No one wants to lose someone they love.
But when that fear begins to dictate your actions, when it makes you clingy, overly accommodating, or even willing to tolerate toxic behavior, it’s a sign that the relationship isn’t balanced.
You might find yourself constantly seeking reassurance, or doing things you’re uncomfortable with just to keep your partner around.
This fear can be paralyzing and it can prevent you from standing up for yourself.
It’s crucial to remember that a healthy relationship is built on mutual respect and understanding, not fear.
If you’re constantly living in fear of losing your partner, it’s time to take a step back and address these issues head-on.
7) You feel incomplete without them
As Nic Sheff once said, “You have to be whole and complete in yourself. No one can give you that.”
This quote struck a chord with me because I’ve been there. I’ve felt that sense of incompleteness when my partner wasn’t around, as if I was only half a person.
Feeling incomplete without your partner is a clear sign of codependency.
You might believe that you need your partner to be happy, successful, or even just to get through the day.
This can lead to an unhealthy reliance on your partner for your self-worth and happiness.
Remember that you’re a whole person on your own. Your worth isn’t tied to someone else.
If you’re feeling incomplete without your partner, it’s a sign that you might need to work on building your self-esteem and independence.
8) You’ve lost your individual identity
This is as real as it gets. Losing your individual identity is one of the most profound signs of codependency.
You might start noticing that your interests, hobbies, or even your personal values have started to merge with your partner’s.
You might find yourself giving up things you love or changing your beliefs just to align with theirs.
It’s like you’ve become an extension of your partner rather than an individual in your own right.
And honestly, this can be incredibly damaging, not just to your self-esteem but also to the relationship itself.
A healthy relationship celebrates two individuals coming together, not one person losing themselves in the other.
If you don’t feel like your own person anymore, it’s a clear sign that you’re in a codependent relationship.
It’s time to rediscover who you are outside of it.
Wrapping up
Recognizing the signs of codependency in your relationship can be a tough pill to swallow.
But remember, acknowledging the problem is the first step towards creating a healthier dynamic.
You deserve a relationship where you can maintain your individuality and sense of self. If you’ve identified with any of these signs, it’s not too late to make changes.
My book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, offers practical advice and real-life examples to help you navigate this journey.
It’s not about losing your partner; it’s about rediscovering yourself within the relationship.
You’re stronger than you think. You’ve got this!
