Think back to a time when you felt completely secure and loved.
For many, it’s a comforting thought—but for some, this feeling is foreign.
Childhoods devoid of affection often shape how individuals navigate relationships, trust, and self-perception in adulthood.
A friend who seems distant, a partner who struggles with intimacy, or even your own difficulty in setting boundaries might all be rooted in the same unmet need: feeling truly loved as a child.
By understanding these 8 common behaviors, we can better connect with ourselves and others.
So let’s dive into it, shall we?
1. Difficulty forming relationships
Let’s start with the basics.
Relationships can be tricky for everyone. We’ve all had our fair share of ups and downs, heartaches, and joys. But for people who didn’t feel loved as children, forming relationships can be particularly challenging.
Here’s why.
When you grow up not feeling loved, you may struggle to understand what healthy love looks like. This can lead to a skewed perception of relationships. You might find yourself pushing people away, fearing intimacy, or being overly clingy, all in an attempt to protect yourself from the pain that you experienced in your childhood.
It’s heartbreaking, really.
2. Self-esteem issues
This one hits close to home for me.
Growing up, I always saw myself as an outsider. I was the kid who was picked last in gym class, the one who sat alone at lunch. It took me many years to realize that my self-esteem issues were deeply tied to my childhood experiences.
You see, when a child doesn’t feel truly loved, they start questioning their worth. They think, “If my own parents don’t love me, who will?” This feeling often follows them into their adult life, affecting their personal and professional relationships.
I’ll tell you what happened to me.
I remember being in my 20’s and constantly doubting my abilities. No matter how many praises I received or how well I did in my career, I always felt I wasn’t good enough.
It took therapy and a lot of self-love exercises to start seeing myself in a positive light.
3. The mask of perfectionism
Have you ever met someone who’s a real perfectionist? Always striving to be the best, never satisfied with ‘good enough’? That was me. Heck, sometimes it still is me.
Perfectionism can be a way to cope with feelings of inadequacy. When you’re a kid who never felt loved, you might think that by being perfect, you can finally earn the love and approval you’re desperately seeking.
But here’s the catch.
Perfection is an impossible standard. It’s a shiny façade that hides a fear of rejection, a fear of not being ‘enough’. I’ve learned this the hard way. Nights spent obsessing over minor errors at work, relationships strained because I couldn’t bear to show my flaws, a constant sense of dissatisfaction even when I achieved my goals.
This doesn’t mean that striving for excellence is bad. It’s when this pursuit becomes an obsession, a relentless quest for validation, that it becomes harmful.
4. An overwhelming need for control
Let’s talk about control.
Control can be a comforting thing, especially for those who grew up in unpredictable environments. If you never felt loved as a child, you might try to exert control over your surroundings, your relationships, and even yourself as a way to feel safe.
Makes sense, right?
But here’s the problem. The need for control can become overwhelming. It can lead to rigid routines, high stress levels, and conflict with others who don’t adhere to your rules. It can limit spontaneity and joy, trapping you in a tightly woven web of your own making.
I’ve seen it happen.
A friend of mine grew up in a chaotic household. As an adult, she created strict routines for herself and her family. But over time, this need for control started straining her relationships and causing her immense stress.
It was only when she recognized this pattern and sought help that she could start loosening the reins and find balance.
5. Constantly seeking validation
Did you know that the ways we seek love and validation as adults can often be traced back to our earliest relationships?
When you don’t feel loved in your childhood, this need for validation doesn’t just disappear. Instead, it might manifest in different ways as you grow older. You might find yourself constantly seeking validation from others – needing them to affirm your worth, your decisions, your feelings.
Take it from me.
I used to be that person who couldn’t make a choice without getting others’ opinions. I needed their validation to feel good about myself.
But here’s the thing.
External validation is like a sugar rush. It feels good for a while, but it doesn’t last. The only validation that truly matters is the one we give ourselves.
6. Difficulty expressing emotions
Growing up without feeling loved can be like living in a desert, bereft of the nurturing emotional rain that helps us flourish. This emotional drought can make it hard for us to recognize and express our feelings as adults.
I want you to know, it’s not your fault.
If you didn’t have safe spaces to express your emotions as a child, it’s natural that as an adult, you might struggle with this. You might bottle up your feelings or express them in ways that don’t truly reflect what’s going on inside you.
Remember my friend I mentioned earlier? She struggled with this too. It was hard for her to put her feelings into words or express them in a healthy way. But she learned. And so can you.
Emotions are not our enemies, but guides that help us understand ourselves better. It takes practice and patience, but learning to express them can lead to deeper connections with others and a better understanding of ourselves.
7. Struggles with setting boundaries
Boundaries are essential in maintaining healthy relationships and a balanced life. But for those who grew up without feeling loved, setting boundaries can feel like walking a tightrope without a safety net.
Here’s why.
When love and acceptance feel conditional or absent during childhood, it can blur the lines between self-worth and the approval of others. This often results in a difficulty asserting your needs or saying “no,” out of fear that you’ll be rejected or deemed unlovable.
On the flip side, you might build walls so high and rigid that you isolate yourself entirely, fearing vulnerability and hurt.
Healthy boundaries are not about shutting people out or constantly putting others’ needs ahead of your own—they’re about creating space for mutual respect, safety, and understanding.
If this resonates with you, start small. Practice saying “no” to something minor or expressing your preferences in a low-stakes situation. And remember, boundaries aren’t selfish—they’re an act of self-respect and a way to foster healthier relationships.
8. Fear of abandonment
Fear of abandonment can often stem from not feeling loved as a child. This fear can be so profound that it influences your actions, decisions, and relationships as an adult.
You might cling to unhealthy relationships because you fear being alone. You might sabotage relationships because you fear they’ll leave anyway. You might isolate yourself to avoid the pain of being abandoned.
But here’s what you need to know.
This fear doesn’t have to control your life.
Recognizing it is the first step towards overcoming it. It is possible to heal and form secure attachments. And remember, you are deserving of love and belonging, just as you are.
