I remember once sitting with a client in my counseling practice—let’s call her Linda—who was deeply distraught because her adult son no longer returned her calls.
She felt heartbroken and blindsided. As we unraveled the story, it turned out she had unknowingly been making some well-intentioned but misguided moves that had pushed him away.
It got me thinking about how even the most loving, attentive parents can slip into behaviors that strain relationships with adult children.
In my own life, I’ve certainly had my share of parental “oops” moments—especially during those tricky teenage years. Even now, as a mother watching my child inch closer to adulthood, I recognize it’s easy to fall into certain traps.
The bond you build with your little ones shouldn’t dissolve once they’re old enough to drive or pay their own bills. But maintaining that closeness requires doing some things right—and consciously avoiding other things altogether.
Below, I’ve highlighted eight mistakes I’ve observed parents steer clear of if they want to preserve a strong, lasting connection with their children.
Let’s walk through them together.
1. Treating adult children like possessions
When kids are younger, it’s natural to think of them as an extension of ourselves.
But as they mature, continuing to treat them like a prized trophy rather than independent people can be damaging.
This mindset shows up in subtle ways—hovering over them at college, trying to influence their every choice, or forcing them to follow a career path that mirrors our own.
I understand it’s tough to let go of that guiding hand, especially if you’ve put so much energy into parenting.
But children who sense that you don’t see them as autonomous adults will quickly clam up. Their sense of identity becomes threatened, and that can create emotional distance.
People who stay close to their kids in the long run realize the relationship has to evolve into a more equal footing, with respect for individual decisions.
2. Criticizing or judging their life choices
Remember Linda from my counseling sessions?
One of her biggest missteps was constantly judging her son’s decisions—his major in college, his taste in partners, even his new haircut.
While a parent’s desire to see their child thrive is universal, our children don’t want to feel policed or perpetually scrutinized.
Try reflecting on the times you felt judged by your own parents or mentors.
It probably stung a little, right?
Our adult kids still crave our approval in many ways. Yet, giving constructive feedback and giving belittling criticism are worlds apart.
Striking that balance isn’t always easy, but the best approach is to ask questions rather than impose judgments.
Instead of, “I can’t believe you’re moving to that city,” try, “How do you feel about this move, and what are you excited or nervous about?”
That shift can open doors for communication instead of slamming them shut.
3. Withholding emotional support
Some parents shy away from showing affection or discussing emotions once their kids are grown.
I often hear remarks like, “They don’t need me to coddle them; they’re adults now.” But that’s far from the truth.
Even as adults, your children can benefit from a loving ear and a supportive shoulder.
The crew at Very Well Mind has highlighted that bonding isn’t just for toddlers and teens—emotional closeness is a lifelong process.
Expressions of love, whether through verbal affirmation or a heartfelt hug, remain just as meaningful. It’s about letting your children know you’re on their side, no matter what.
4. Disrespecting boundaries
Boundaries are a big deal in all relationships—parent-child included.
When our kids are young, we set boundaries for them. But as they grow older, it’s important to recognize that they too have boundaries we need to respect.
This can look like:
- Calling before dropping by unannounced
- Asking permission before posting their childhood photos on social media
- Recognizing when they need time alone or with their own new family unit
One of my favorite quotes on this topic comes from Brene Brown: “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”
Respecting our children’s boundaries doesn’t diminish our parental role; instead, it can strengthen mutual respect.
You might have read my post on codependency, where I mentioned that healthy boundaries are pivotal for preserving individuality in relationships. The same principle applies here—your adult kids should have the freedom to say “no” or “I need some space” without fear of hurting you.
5. Closing the lines of communication
I’ve seen parents who assume that no news is good news.
However, silence or distance can breed misunderstandings. Whether you live miles apart or just across town, open and honest communication is crucial.
The pros over at Psychology Today back this up, saying frequent, heartfelt conversations help build a sense of trust and warmth.
Ask questions that invite more than a simple yes or no.
Instead of “Are you okay?” try “How are you really feeling about your new job?” or “What’s been on your mind lately?”
Invite deeper discussions by being open about your own experiences too—within reason, of course.
Part of staying close is sharing glimpses of your own life, struggles, and triumphs. That reciprocity fosters a sense of true companionship.
6. Neglecting personal growth
As a relationship counselor, I’ve noticed that parents who pour all of their identity into their children often end up feeling lost once the kids leave home.
This can lead to clinging or guilt-tripping behaviors—anything to keep the child close.
The result? Resentment on both sides.
Our kids appreciate seeing us as whole individuals with hobbies, dreams, and social circles. It sets a wonderful example, too: they learn that growth doesn’t stop when you hit a certain age.
When parents neglect their own personal growth, it can unintentionally place pressure on their kids to fill that void.
On the other hand, exploring your passions—whether it’s yoga, painting, or volunteering—can breathe life into the relationship with your adult kids.
You become more than just Mom or Dad; you’re a person they can connect with on multiple levels.
7. Sweeping tough conversations under the rug
I’ll be the first to admit that bringing up uncomfortable topics can be daunting.
My own teenage daughter once gave me a piece of wisdom when I was dreading a certain talk. She said, “Mom, it’s okay to be nervous. But it’s worse if we don’t discuss it at all.” She was right.
Folks who maintain close bonds with their grown kids are able to address issues honestly, whether it’s financial disagreements, relationship troubles, or old family wounds. They acknowledge elephant-in-the-room subjects.
Michelle Obama famously said, “We should always have three friends in our lives: one who walks ahead… one who walks beside… and one who walks behind.”
In the context of family, I interpret this to mean we should nurture relationships that are honest, supportive, and instructive. Shying away from tough conversations deprives our children—and us—of the chance to heal, learn, and grow closer.
8. Failing to adapt to new trends and technology
I’ve saved a big one until last, friends.
It’s easy to dismiss the digital habits of younger generations. “Why are they always on their phone?” or “TikTok, seriously?”
Those remarks might be well-intentioned, but ignoring the importance of new technologies and social trends is an all-too-common mistake. If your child’s world revolves around WhatsApp or FaceTime, it might be time to learn how to use those apps yourself.
Staying in tune with your children’s communication styles can help bridge generational gaps.
No, you don’t have to become a social media influencer (unless you really want to!), but simply showing an interest in their digital world speaks volumes. It’s a modern way to say, “I care about what you care about.”
Final thoughts
A close, rewarding relationship with your adult children is built on a foundation of respect, understanding, and growth—both theirs and yours.
Making an effort to avoid the eight mistakes above can go a long way toward keeping that parent-child bond strong well into the future. It’s not about being perfect; it’s about being willing to adapt, learn, and communicate.
There’s a beautiful quote from Maya Angelou that resonates in these situations: “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Our adult children will ultimately remember how we treated them and the love we showed.
Wherever you are on your parenting journey—whether your kids are off to college or raising kids of their own—take heart that it’s never too late to make a change.
You can start fresh conversations, show empathy for their independence, and let them know you’re proud of who they’ve become. After all, you laid a good part of the foundation that got them there.
Signing off.
