It’s funny how sometimes we try our hardest to appear strong and self-assured, yet certain habits can quietly betray the self-doubt lurking beneath the surface.
In my years as a relationship counselor, I’ve seen countless people agonize over their image of confidence.
It’s understandable—we all want to look like we’ve got it together. But more often than not, it’s those subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) behaviors that show everyone how we really feel about ourselves.
I’ve been on both sides of this fence: feeling insecure but hoping my posture, tone of voice, or words would trick everyone into thinking otherwise.
My own early attempts to look confident often involved overcompensating, like dominating conversations or dropping every accolade I could think of.
Later, as I worked with clients—and yes, even as I wrote my book, “Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship”—I realized these habits can backfire, big time.
Below, I’m going to share eight habits that can inadvertently make us appear more insecure.
They might seem like confidence boosters, but trust me, they often do the exact opposite.
1. Bragging or name-dropping
There’s a fine line between celebrating your achievements and trying too hard to show you’re “somebody.”
I have this friend (I’ll spare you the name) who loves to mention their high-profile connections within the first five minutes of conversation.
They’re certainly proud of their network, but after a while, it starts to feel like they’re overcompensating.
In a counseling session, people often reveal they resort to bragging because they want to impress others and hide their insecurities.
The pros over at Verywell Mind back this up, saying that people who keep boasting about accomplishments can be battling an underlying fear of not being enough. It can come across as narcissistic at worst, and at best, it’s a little grating to the folks around you.
Real confidence doesn’t require trumpeting every triumph. You can be proud of your achievements, but sprinkling in humility shows you’re comfortable in your own skin.
2. Constant one-upping
You share a story about a memorable vacation, and the other person cuts in with, “Oh, that’s nothing. Wait until you hear about my trip.”
We’ve all had that conversation, and it instantly drains the fun out of storytelling.
When we can’t sit back and applaud someone else’s moment without feeling the need to chime in with a bigger or better one, it signals an underlying competition.
Looking back, I can recall times I was so anxious about being overshadowed that I felt compelled to add my own “even more interesting” anecdote. Instead of appearing confident, I actually drew attention to the fact I was desperate to stay relevant.
One-upping isn’t about true self-assurance; it’s about the worry that you’re less interesting or accomplished.
Susan Cain famously said, “There’s zero correlation between being the best talker and having the best ideas.” In other words, your story can stand on its own without having to outshine someone else’s.
3. Dismissing compliments
Ever receive a compliment and instantly respond with “Oh, it’s nothing,” or “No, I’m not that good”?
It might feel like a move toward humility, but often, it telegraphs self-doubt.
Think about it from the other person’s perspective: they’ve taken the time to acknowledge something good about you. By brushing it aside, you’re rejecting a genuine gesture and spotlighting your discomfort with praise.
I used to shrug off compliments about my counseling style, and I’d say things like, “It’s really just basic training; nothing special.”
In my head, I was being polite and modest. In reality, I was denying myself the grace of acknowledging a strength.
When we dismiss positive feedback, we end up feeding the insecurity monster rather than accepting we’re actually worthy of appreciation.
Try a simple “Thank you, I appreciate that.” It feels good to both parties, and it shows that you can handle the spotlight for a moment without shrinking away.
4. Over-apologizing
Ever find yourself saying “I’m sorry” for everything under the sun? I once had a client (let’s call her Jana) who would start every sentence with, “Sorry, but…” even when she was simply expressing a preference.
She wasn’t being polite—she was signaling to everyone around her that she had little confidence in her viewpoint.
Now, there’s absolutely a time and place for apologizing, especially if we’ve hurt someone. But when we apologize for speaking up, for expressing an opinion, or for every misstep that might not even be ours, it dilutes the power of a genuine apology.
Michelle Obama stated, “Your story is what you have, what you will always have. It is something to own.”
If we constantly apologize for our story—our opinions, desires, or mistakes—it suggests we don’t believe we have a right to hold space in the world.
5. Dominating conversations
On the surface, talking a lot can seem like a sure sign of confidence.
But there’s a difference between being chatty and bulldozing others with non-stop chatter.
Sometimes, I see people push their voices into every gap in conversation out of fear that silence might show vulnerability.
Ironically, a person who truly feels self-assured is often comfortable with silences. They don’t feel the need to fill every moment with their voice.
In a past post you might have read on my blog, I talked about the pressure some of us feel to keep everyone entertained.
It’s not necessarily a bad thing to be the life of the party—until you realize you’re overshadowing others and ignoring cues that they want to speak up.
Dominating every discussion can betray the anxiety that if you’re not the loudest or funniest person in the room, no one will notice you.
6. Being overly critical of others
One of the most common signs of hidden insecurity is an urge to put other people down.
Whether it’s gossiping about a friend’s choice of clothes or ridiculing someone else’s achievements, it’s really just a twisted attempt to feel better about ourselves.
I see this regularly in group counseling sessions; the person who can’t stop pointing out others’ flaws is typically the one battling the deepest sense of self-doubt.
The crew at Psychology Today has highlighted that constant criticism of others can serve as a defense mechanism—when we focus on someone else’s imperfections, we temporarily divert attention from our own insecurities.
Unfortunately, negativity of this kind doesn’t raise self-worth; it only further isolates and keeps us stuck in a loop of negative thinking.
7. Seeking excessive external validation
If you find yourself fishing for compliments or obsessively checking likes and comments on social media, that can be a telltale sign of insecurity.
I remember a period when I’d post a picture and repeatedly refresh the feed to see if there were new reactions. My sense of accomplishment hinged on how many “likes” I received.
Confidence, on the other hand, tends to be more self-reliant.
Brene Brown once wrote, “You either walk inside your story and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.”
When we’re overly reliant on others’ opinions (or social media metrics) to feel good about ourselves, we’re effectively hustling for that worthiness.
The craving for external validation might look like confidence—“See how popular I am!”—but it reveals a deeper uncertainty in our own value.
8. Having mismatched body language
I’ve saved the best until last, friends. Body language can be a dead giveaway.
Imagine someone who’s bragging about their accomplishments, yet their eyes dart around the room and they can’t hold direct eye contact. Or they’re standing tall, shoulders back, but their facial expression is rigid, and you sense the tension in their voice.
As the team over at Choosing Therapy mentioned, posture, eye contact, and facial expressions all play a role in conveying true self-esteem.
When we try to strike a “power pose” but we’re still fidgeting or avoiding eye contact, people will notice the discrepancy. And that mismatch can undermine any attempt to appear self-assured.
Real confidence usually comes with relaxed shoulders, a calm tone, and natural gestures—no forced smiles or clenched fists. It’s about embodying comfort in your own skin, rather than performing an act.
Final thoughts
It’s okay to want to look confident.
Whether it’s because of a new job, a new social circle, or simply the desire to feel better about ourselves, projecting an air of self-assurance can open doors.
But if we’re relying on habits like bragging, one-upping, dismissing compliments, over-apologizing, dominating conversations, criticizing others, chasing validation, and forcing awkward body language, then we’re only standing in our own way.
The best antidote?
Work on the inner reality before focusing on the outer image. That might mean addressing unresolved self-esteem issues, seeking out therapy (or good self-help resources), and practicing being comfortable with who you are—even the parts you’re still refining.
Confidence doesn’t mean you have no insecurities; it means you can acknowledge them without letting them take the driver’s seat.
It’s a journey, and one I’m definitely still on myself, but I’ve seen the difference in my life and in the lives of my clients when we shift from “trying to look confident” to “trying to be comfortable with who we are.”
That’s when the real magic happens.
