Have you ever found yourself overextending your time, emotional capacity, and even financial resources on individuals who rarely reciprocate or even acknowledge your efforts?
I’ve seen this scenario countless times in my work—people who pour their heart into relationships that leave them feeling unappreciated and drained. It happens far more often than most of us would like to admit.
And while we might tell ourselves that being selfless is a virtue, there’s a considerable difference between kindness and self-sacrifice. People who truly care about you won’t let you burn out for their sake.
So how can you tell if you’ve crossed that line? Let’s explore seven revealing signs, drawn from my counseling experience and psychological insights, that indicate you’re giving too much of yourself to individuals who don’t truly cherish what you bring to the table.
1. You feel emotionally drained after every interaction
One of the clearest signs that you’re putting in too much effort with people who don’t value you is the mental and emotional hangover you get once you part ways with them.
Think about it: do you often feel anxious, exhausted, or upset after speaking or spending time with certain folks? There’s a good chance you’re investing energy you don’t have.
The pros over at Verywell Mind have explained how codependency can lead us to prioritize someone else’s wants and needs over our own well-being.
Of course, not all draining relationships are strictly codependent, but the dynamic is strikingly similar: we end up giving a disproportionate amount while expecting very little—or nothing—in return.
A personal anecdote: I remember working with a client who kept returning to a “friendship” that was more like a one-sided therapy session. She’d listen for hours to her friend’s complaints, help with life dramas, and drop everything at a moment’s notice. Yet when she needed support, her calls went unanswered. Emotional exhaustion soon became her norm, and it wasn’t until she took a step back to prioritize herself that she realized how one-sided that connection truly was.
2. You constantly seek their validation
Another telltale sign is the inner craving for acknowledgment that never arrives. It’s like a longing that sits in the pit of your stomach, whispering, “If they truly appreciate me, they’ll text me back faster,” or “They’ll invite me first to that big event.” But as time goes on, you learn they rarely go out of their way to make you feel valued.
Michelle Obama said it best: “We need to do a better job of putting ourselves higher on our own ‘to-do’ list.” When you hinge your self-worth on another person’s approval, you risk forgetting that you’re worthy of love and attention, no matter what anyone else thinks.
Unfortunately, those who don’t genuinely appreciate you will sense your hunger for validation and may use it to keep you dangling, whether intentionally or not.
In my own life, I’ve had relationships where I kept measuring my worth against how quickly someone responded to my messages or how frequently they invited me to hang out. It was a lose-lose situation for me, because the more I sought validation, the less they seemed willing to give it.
That constant state of anxiety is a draining place to live and is usually a big red flag that you’re overinvesting in a person who doesn’t reciprocate.
3. They only reach out when they need something
Let’s face it: we all have that one person who seems to pop up only when they’re in a pinch. They might be short on cash, need a ride, or want someone to cheer them on at a big event—yet they rarely show up for you. It’s like you exist in their phone only as a resource or a backup plan.
The folks at Psychology Today stand behind the idea that healthy relationships feature a balance of giving and receiving. But if you notice that you’re on the giving end 90% of the time and the other person only contacts you when there’s something in it for them, that’s a clear indicator this relationship is not built on mutual respect.
Sometimes, clients in my counseling sessions will say, “But I enjoy helping them—I just wish they’d see me for who I am rather than what I do.” It’s wonderful to enjoy being supportive, but healthy relationships flourish when both sides are invested.
If you’re the one consistently providing support without receiving genuine care in return, it’s time to reassess how much of yourself you’re offering.
4. You ignore your boundaries to please them
Healthy boundaries are crucial, friends. When we throw them out the window for certain people, it’s like hanging a neon sign that says, “Take as much as you want.”
If you frequently find yourself saying “yes” when you want to say “no,” or adjusting your plans to accommodate someone else (who never does the same for you), that’s a glaring signal.
The team at Choosing Therapy highlighted that boundaries are guidelines for how we want to be treated and what we can accept. Boundaries aren’t about punishing others; they’re about protecting ourselves.
So when you relinquish these safeguards in exchange for someone’s fleeting acceptance or a moment of approval, you’re essentially saying your well-being is secondary to their comfort. And believe me, that’s a slippery slope.
I’ve worked with people who felt guilty about setting the smallest boundary—like declining a call when they were busy or saying they couldn’t lend money yet again. The fear of losing that relationship took precedence over their own sense of peace. Unfortunately, that often leads to chronic anxiety and resentment.
5. They show little or no interest in your life
If the people you’re investing in rarely ask how you’re doing—or glaze over your replies when you do share—then you might be dealing with a decidedly one-sided dynamic. It’s easy to brush this off and think, “Oh, maybe they’re just busy,” or “They’re not the talkative type.”
But pay attention to the pattern: do they ever follow up about that tough day you mentioned? Are they genuinely curious about your wins and struggles?
Brené Brown once said, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” If someone repeatedly shows no interest in who you are, there comes a point when you have to love yourself enough to ask: “Why am I still trying so hard?”
There’s a big difference between being supportive of someone’s life and being treated like your own story doesn’t matter.
Occasionally, I’ve asked clients to do a simple experiment: refrain from bringing up your issues and see if the other person inquires. If three or four weeks go by and the other person still hasn’t asked you a single question about your life, that’s a sign.
It’s not absolute proof of anything sinister, but it does suggest there’s a major imbalance at play.
6. You find yourself feeling resentful
Resentment is often the byproduct of unmet expectations. This negative emotion builds up gradually when we keep giving and hope—sometimes subconsciously—that we’ll receive something meaningful in return.
When that expectation consistently goes unfulfilled, resentment can kick in. Suddenly, you’re snapping at people or complaining about them to anyone who’ll listen, and you might not even realize why you’re so worked up.
From a psychological standpoint, resentment can also be a protective shield for deeper feelings like hurt or sadness. It’s easier to say “I can’t stand them” than to admit “I feel insignificant.”
If you catch yourself festering with bitterness toward someone you’re supposed to care about, it might be time to re-evaluate whether you’re giving too much of yourself. After all, genuine caring relationships don’t typically leave us feeling hollow or angry.
In my practice, I often emphasize how crucial it is to speak up before resentment turns into open hostility. Clear communication, either by expressing your needs or by setting limits on what you’re willing to do, can nip resentment in the bud. But it does require a willingness to be honest, both with yourself and the other person.
7. You keep second-guessing your worth
I’ve saved a big one until last, friends. When you consistently invest your time and energy in people who don’t value you, it can start to chip away at your self-esteem.
Over time, the repeated dismissal of your feelings and needs may leave you questioning whether you’re inherently unlovable or inadequate. This self-doubt can then spiral into codependency or a fear of abandonment, which only perpetuates the cycle.
Maya Angelou captured the essence of this perfectly when she stated, “Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.” It’s easy to slip into that mindset of “maybe if I try a little harder, they’ll finally see my worth.”
But your worth doesn’t need to be proven to anyone who refuses to acknowledge it. And while compromise and patience are vital in any relationship, your sense of self should never be on the bargaining table.
You might have read my post on overcoming codependency (in which I touched on how our past experiences shape our capacity to advocate for ourselves). If you find yourself stuck in this pattern, remember that relationships should build you up, not tear you down.
Seeking therapy or counseling can be a game-changer. It can help you identify the root of your insecurities and guide you in setting healthier boundaries moving forward.
Final thoughts
Learning to recognize when you’re overinvesting in relationships is a key step toward breaking destructive cycles. Contrary to popular belief, putting yourself first isn’t an act of selfishness—it’s an act of self-preservation.
You deserve relationships where you’re valued and respected, and sometimes that starts by giving yourself the approval you’ve been seeking elsewhere.
As a relationship counselor, I’ve witnessed clients transform their lives by letting go of relationships that drain them. These individuals opened up more space for healthier bonds—ones that provided mutual joy, support, and growth.
If any of these seven signs hit close to home, I urge you to take a moment to reflect on what you truly deserve from the people you invest in.
Signing off.
