Parenting isn’t a walk in the park. There’s no one-size-fits-all manual on how to raise kids who are respectful, responsible, and resilient. Sometimes, despite our best intentions, we end up fostering traits in our children that make them, well, difficult.
Psychology points out that certain parental behaviors can inadvertently shape a child into becoming hard to handle. In my quest for personal growth and self-awareness, I’ve found that understanding these behaviors can help us become more authentic parents.
It’s not about blame but about learning and realigning our actions for the betterment of our children and ourselves.
1) Lack of consistency
Consistency is key in any aspect of life, and parenting is no different.
According to renowned psychologist B.F. Skinner, “The way positive reinforcement is carried out is more important than the amount.” In other words, it’s not about showering your child with constant praise or rewards. It’s about being consistent with your reactions and responses.
Parents who raise difficult children often display inconsistent behaviors. One day, they might enforce a strict bedtime, the next day they let their child stay up late. This lack of routine and predictability can confuse children and lead to defiance.
Remember, it’s not about being rigid or inflexible but about providing a stable environment where your child knows what to expect. This can help build their sense of security and overall behavior.
2) Overindulgence
We all want to give our children the world. I remember when my daughter was born, I promised myself I’d give her everything she ever wanted. But over time, I realized this approach wasn’t actually beneficial.
Famous psychologist Carl Jung once said, “The greatest tragedy of the family is the unlived life of the parent.” This quote resonated with me deeply. It made me realize that overindulging children isn’t a sign of love but a reflection of our own desires and unfulfilled dreams.
Giving in to every whim and desire can lead to entitled behavior in children. They start expecting things to be handed to them without understanding the value of hard work and patience. This can make them difficult to handle as they grow older.
Trust me, learning to say ‘no’ at the right time is as important as saying ‘yes’. It’s all about striking a balance.
3) Avoidance of difficult conversations
Let’s get real. Parenting isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. There are tough, uncomfortable conversations that we need to have with our children. However, avoiding these discussions can lead to problematic behavior down the line.
I recall Sigmund Freud’s famous quote: “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.” This applies perfectly here. When we avoid discussing challenging topics with our kids, they can develop skewed perspectives or act out in confusion.
Whether it’s about the birds and the bees, death, or failure – these conversations help form their understanding of the world around them. Avoiding them doesn’t make them disappear; it just leaves our children ill-equipped to deal with them.
So, as difficult as it may be, we must face these talks head-on. It’s part of the gritty reality of raising well-rounded individuals.
4) Lack of emotional availability
Emotional availability is the cornerstone of a child’s emotional development. I remember when my son was going through his first heartbreak, I initially brushed it off as just ‘kid stuff’. But then, I realized the importance of being emotionally available for him.
Erik Erikson, the famous developmental psychologist, said, “Life doesn’t make any sense without interdependence. We need each other, and the sooner we learn that, the better for us all.” This is particularly true in a parent-child relationship.
Parents who are emotionally distant or unavailable can inadvertently raise difficult children. Kids need to know that their feelings are valid and that they can lean on their parents for emotional support.
By opening up emotionally and showing empathy, we teach our children how to deal with their feelings in a healthy manner. This not only fosters emotional intelligence but also helps in building a strong parent-child bond.
5) Being overly protective
This might sound counterintuitive. After all, as parents, our instinct is to protect our children from harm. But there’s such a thing as being overly protective, and it can lead to raising difficult children.
Albert Bandura, a renowned psychologist known for his work on social learning theory, once said, “In order to succeed, people need a sense of self-efficacy, to struggle together with resilience to meet the inevitable obstacles and inequities of life.”
When we’re constantly hovering over our children, preventing them from making mistakes or facing challenges, we’re inadvertently stunting their growth. They may become overly reliant on us and struggle with independence and resilience later in life.
Our goal is not to shield them from every difficulty but to equip them with the skills to navigate through life’s challenges.
6) Not setting boundaries
Setting boundaries is a crucial part of parenting. It teaches children respect, self-control, and responsibility. However, parents who fail to establish these limits often end up raising difficult children.
Renowned psychologist Abraham Maslow once said, “If you plan on being anything less than you are capable of being, you will probably be unhappy all the days of your life.” This quote emphasizes the importance of setting high, yet achievable standards for our children.
When we don’t set boundaries, we create an environment of uncertainty. Children need structure to thrive. They need to understand that their actions have consequences and that rules are in place for their well-being.
Remember, setting boundaries isn’t about being strict or controlling. It’s about creating a safe and structured environment where your child can grow and flourish.
7) Negative reinforcement
I’ll be the first to admit that parenting can be frustrating. There were times when I found myself resorting to negative reinforcement to discipline my kids. But over time, I learned that this does more harm than good.
Famous psychologist B.F. Skinner said, “The consequences of behavior determine the probability that the behavior will occur again.” This is the essence of his theory on operant conditioning.
When we constantly resort to negative reinforcement – punishments, threats, or yelling – we may inadvertently raise difficult children. Negative reinforcement can lead to resentment, fear, and even rebellious behavior.
Instead, try focusing on positive reinforcement. Praise good behavior, encourage effort, and create an environment where your child feels motivated to behave well, rather than fearing punishment.
8) Unrealistic expectations
Parenting can sometimes turn into a game of expectations, and I’ve been guilty of this myself. We want our children to succeed, but setting unrealistic expectations can pave the way for rebellion and difficulty.
Psychologist Carl Rogers said, “The only person who is educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.” This quote reminds us that every child is unique with their own pace of learning and growth.
Parents who constantly push their children to meet high, unrealistic standards often end up raising children who are stressed, anxious, or rebellious. It’s important to understand and accept our children’s abilities and limitations.
Our role is to guide and support them in their journey, not to dictate their path based on our own expectations.
9) Overemphasis on achievement
This might sound contrary to what you’ve heard, but an overemphasis on achievement can lead to raising difficult children.
Psychologist Carol Dweck’s research on mindset provides insight here. She said, “Praising children’s intelligence harms motivation and it harms performance.” What she encourages instead is to praise effort rather than outcomes.
Parents who consistently push for high grades, winning at sports, or other forms of achievement often raise children who are fearful of failure. They learn to equate their worth with their achievements, leading to anxiety and difficulty handling setbacks.
It’s important to emphasize effort, learning, and growth over mere achievement. This helps nurture a growth mindset in children, enabling them to become resilient and adaptive individuals.
10) Absence of affection
As a father, I know how easy it is to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of life and forget to show affection to our children. But this seemingly small thing can have a profound impact on their behavior.
Psychologist Virginia Satir famously said, “We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need twelve hugs a day for growth.” This emphasizes the importance of physical affection in a child’s development.
Parents who withhold or limit affection might end up raising difficult children. Kids need love and warmth to feel secure and valued. Without it, they might act out for attention or develop insecurities.
Remember, showing affection goes beyond just hugs and kisses. It’s about being present, listening, and showing interest in their lives. This fosters a sense of belonging and security, which is crucial for their emotional well-being.
