For years, I felt like a social pariah.
You know the experience:
- Awkward social encounters
- No close friendships
- Feeling lonely even in a crowd
- Struggling to connect on a deeper level
And constantly wondering why others seem to make friends so easily, while I was stuck in my own solitary bubble.
There was a time when my contact list was as barren as a desert. I had no deep, meaningful relationships, and it felt like I was speaking a different language than everyone else.
During that time, I lived with constant unease, isolation, and an overactive mind always questioning where I was going wrong.
My life seemed to be at a standstill.
What was the problem? It took me a while, but I finally unearthed the answer: I was exhibiting 9 behaviors that were keeping me from forming close friendships, according to psychology.
Let’s dive in.
1) They avoid vulnerability
It sounds simple, but for someone who had built walls around himself, the idea of letting them down was terrifying.
Psychology suggests that vulnerability is key to establishing deep connections. It’s about being open about our thoughts, feelings, and experiences, even when it’s uncomfortable.
But I was doing the exact opposite. I was trying to appear flawless, invincible. Little did I realize that this was pushing people away rather than drawing them in.
When we refuse to be vulnerable, we rob ourselves of the opportunity to form genuine connections. People can sense when you’re being authentic and when you’re not.
I had to learn this the hard way. It took me a while to understand that showing my true self, with all its imperfections, wouldn’t drive people away. In fact, it would invite them in.
2) They struggle with empathy
It’s not that I didn’t care about others, but I had a habit of getting so caught up in my own world that I often failed to truly understand or share the feelings of others.
I remember a time when a friend was going through a breakup. Instead of lending an empathetic ear, I found myself relating it back to my own experiences, essentially making it about me.
I later realized how off-putting this must have been for my friend who was seeking comfort and understanding, not a comparison of experiences.
In the words of famous psychologist Carl Rogers, “Real empathy is always free of any evaluative or diagnostic quality”. This quote struck a chord with me. I understood that empathy is about stepping outside of our own perspective and entering someone else’s.
Working on this behavior was challenging but transformative. I started practicing active listening: fully focusing on the speaker, avoiding interrupting, and responding thoughtfully.
3) They don’t take the initiative
Another behavior that was holding me back was my passivity when it came to social situations.
I would often find myself waiting for others to make the first move: to invite me out, to start a conversation, or even to simply send a text.
I remember a particular instance when I was at a social gathering. I stood there, drink in hand, waiting for someone to approach me instead of taking the initiative to strike up a conversation.
This passive behavior was not only preventing me from forming new connections, but it was also putting unfair pressure on others to carry the social load.
When I reflected on this, I realized that taking the initiative isn’t just about being outgoing or extroverted; it’s about showing interest in others and making an effort to be part of their world.
So I started changing my approach. Instead of waiting for invitations, I began extending them. Instead of being a bystander in conversations, I started actively participating.
This shift in behavior was initially outside my comfort zone. But over time, it became more natural and it made a huge difference in my social life.
4) They have a negative self-perception
I often found myself underestimating my worth, thinking that I don’t have much to offer in a friendship. This mindset led me to believe that people wouldn’t be interested in forming close relationships with me.
This self-deprecating behavior was not only damaging my self-esteem but also affecting my social interactions.
And this isn’t just my personal observation. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that individuals who hold negative perceptions about themselves tend to misinterpret social situations and perceive greater social rejection than what is actually the case.
Understanding this was a wake-up call. I realized that I needed to work on my self-perception, not for others, but for myself.
So, I started focusing on self-love and acceptance, celebrating my strengths, and working on my weaknesses rather than hiding them.
This shift in mindset didn’t happen overnight, but it gradually changed the way I perceived myself and how others perceived me.
5) They avoid social opportunities
It’s not that I didn’t want to be around people, but the fear of awkward interactions or the comfort of my own solitude often led me to decline invitations or miss out on social events.
I remember a time when I turned down an invitation to a friend’s party because I was afraid I wouldn’t fit in, or worse, end up standing in a corner alone.
This behavior was creating a self-fulfilling prophecy: I was lonely because I avoided socializing, and I avoided socializing because I was lonely.
The realization hit like a ton of bricks. If I wanted close friendships, I had to put myself out there, despite the discomfort or fear.
6) They don’t express gratitude
I realized that while I internally appreciated the people around me, I seldom expressed it out loud.
I remember a day when a colleague helped me with a challenging task. While I was grateful for their assistance, I never actually said “thank you”. Later, I realized how this simple acknowledgment could have strengthened our bond.
It dawned on me then how expressing gratitude could not only foster positive emotions but also enhance my relationships.
From then on, I made a conscious effort to express gratitude more often. From a simple thank you to writing appreciation notes, I tried to make the people around me feel valued.
This small change had a profound effect on my relationships.
7) They try too hard to fit in
Finally, which may sound counterintuitive, was trying too hard to fit in.
I used to believe that to make friends, I needed to be like everyone else. I suppressed my quirks and unique interests in an attempt to blend in.
But all this did was make me feel invisible and unauthentic. It’s hard to form close friendships when you’re not being true to who you are.
Instead of trying to conform, I started embracing my individuality. I shared my unique interests and quirks, even if they weren’t “popular”. To my surprise, people appreciated this authenticity.
I realized that true friendships are formed not through conformity but through authenticity.
So here’s a practical tip: Next time you find yourself trying to fit in, stop and ask yourself if you’re being true to who you are.
Embrace your uniqueness and let it shine.
Conclusion
Breaking down barriers and forming close friendships can feel like an uphill battle, but it’s not an impossible one.
Remember, the journey to forming close friendships is not about becoming someone else but about being the best version of yourself. And it’s okay to stumble along the way – every misstep is a lesson learned.
Friendships are built one interaction at a time. Be patient with yourself and others. With time and effort, you’ll see your social life transform.
Remember, you are worthy of deep and meaningful relationships. Don’t let these behaviors stand in your way.
Start making changes today, and watch as your social landscape shifts for the better.
