Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling like something was off, but you couldn’t quite put your finger on it?
I’ve seen this scenario play out countless times in my counseling sessions and personal life alike—someone displays all the hallmarks of anger, but they’re doing it in the most covert, roundabout way.
It’s maddening, especially when you sense the tension yet you’re stuck questioning whether you imagined it all.
Passive-aggressive behavior, by its very nature, is tricky to spot. The resentment is real, but it doesn’t come with any direct admissions like “I’m upset with you.”
Instead, it bubbles up in small, underhanded moments that leave you confused or, worse, feeling guilty for even suspecting something’s wrong.
My belief is simple: no relationship or friendship survives long-term if resentment is allowed to fester in the shadows.
So if you’ve been sensing that something’s “off” but haven’t been able to pinpoint why, read on. Here are seven passive-aggressive behaviors that often indicate hidden resentment.
1. They give you the silent treatment
Let’s start with a classic: that dreaded silence that stretches on just long enough to make your anxiety spike.
You may ask a perfectly harmless question, and in response, there’s a pause so deafening, you begin to question your entire relationship.
A friend or partner who does this is trying to communicate frustration or anger, but rather than come out and say it, they leave you hanging.
In my early twenties, I actually thought this was normal. I’d bend over backward to appease someone, believing I was at fault.
It took me years—and many counseling sessions of my own—to see that the silent treatment often masks underlying bitterness or a need to feel in control.
The silence is a pressure tactic. The person is indirectly saying, “Look at how upset I am, and look at how I’m going to make you work for my attention.”
There’s a difference between taking a moment to calm down during an argument and refusing to speak in order to punish someone.
If it’s persistent and cold, you can bet it’s less about healthy conflict resolution and more about resentment.
2. They make “jokes” that aren’t really funny
One surefire sign of passive aggression is veiling nasty remarks in the guise of humor.
Have you ever had someone crack a joke at your expense and then immediately say, “I’m just kidding, don’t be so sensitive”?
It’s not genuine teasing; it’s a dig disguised as wit. There’s a real sting underneath those words, and the hope is that you’ll either laugh it off or feel too awkward to say anything.
Healthy relationships allow for playful banter, but if your gut tells you that these “jokes” are intended to undermine you, trust that instinct.
Humor can be a powerful tool for connection, or it can become a weapon in the hands of someone harboring resentment.
It’s worth having an honest conversation when you feel like a line has been crossed.
If they become defensive or double down on their so-called humor, it might indicate deeper issues that they’re not ready to address in a straightforward way.
3. They procrastinate on tasks that matter to you
We all drag our feet sometimes, but there’s a distinct difference between typical procrastination and passive-aggressive stalling.
If you ask your partner, roommate, or colleague to help with something important—like finalizing a work project or assisting with a family gathering—and they perpetually wait until the last minute, it can be a sign of hidden resentment.
This delay may be a subtle form of sabotage, ensuring that what you want done is either rushed or never happens at all.
In relationships, I’ve often seen this behavior surface when one person feels undervalued or unseen.
Instead of admitting, “I’m upset because I don’t feel recognized,” they find indirect ways to push back.
When I notice this pattern, I encourage open communication about the real reasons behind the stalling.
Avoid accusing them of being lazy; instead, address the emotional undercurrent: “I sense hesitation. Is there something about this task that’s bothering you?”
That approach can reveal hidden resentments they didn’t know how to express.
4. They resist direct communication and confrontation
You can invite them to talk things out, but they’ll shut the door on any real, meaningful conversation.
You’ll offer an opportunity to share feelings—maybe you’ll say, “Look, I want to know what’s bothering you”—and they’ll respond with “Nothing, everything’s fine.”
Sound familiar? When someone consistently dodges a straight-up conversation, it might be because they don’t feel comfortable being openly hostile or voicing their frustrations.
Or it could be that they’re afraid of the fallout if they fully reveal their anger.
I see this a lot in couples where one partner absolutely hates confrontation, while the other craves directness.
They become locked in a dance of unspoken resentments and halfhearted interactions.
In my practice, I usually encourage setting a safe space and even establishing some guidelines, like each person getting five minutes to speak without interruptions.
However, if you’re in a situation where no amount of encouragement or structure breaks their pattern of avoidance, it’s worth taking note.
Persistent refusal to engage is a telltale sign that something is brewing underneath.
5. They withhold affection or emotional support
This pattern often surfaces in romantic relationships, but it can appear in friendships, too.
You reach out for reassurance and affection, maybe because you had a tough day or simply want a hug, and the other person offers a lukewarm response at best.
It feels transactional—like they’re saying, “I’m holding back until I get what I want.” Instead of discussing what’s truly bothering them, they use affection as a bargaining chip.
Now, no one is obligated to provide constant emotional support 24/7, but consistent stony responses or dismissals can be a sign they harbor negative feelings they aren’t discussing.
Addressing it requires open dialogue—yes, that means having a potentially uncomfortable conversation to unearth what’s really going on. But it’s always better than letting the resentment turn toxic.
6. They guilt-trip you or play the victim
Sometimes a resentful person might express their displeasure by spinning any scenario to make themselves the injured party, even when they’re the ones causing harm.
They might say something like, “I was only trying to help, but you clearly don’t appreciate me,” turning the tables so you’re the villain in a story that conveniently puts them on a moral pedestal.
As the team over at Very Well Mind mentioned, guilt-tripping is often designed to manipulate other people by preying on their emotions and feelings of guilt or responsibility.
It’s especially problematic because it stifles open communication—how are you supposed to voice concerns if you’re constantly turned into the bad guy?
Realize that if this is happening, you might be dealing with deep-seated resentment that they’re deflecting back onto you.
The guilt-trip acts as an emotional smokescreen for their unwillingness to address their own anger directly.
7. They act overly “nice” but you sense there’s a grudge underneath
I’ve saved a big one until last, friends. Being “too nice” can sometimes be a sign that someone is stuffing down their genuine feelings.
They might shower you with compliments, agree to all your requests, and always have a bright, sunny smile—even when it makes no sense.
If you sense they’re forcing positivity to cover up frustration, you could be looking at a case of hidden animosity.
The person might worry that anger or disapproval will make them unlikeable, so they overcompensate by being agreeable to a fault.
I’ve witnessed this scenario a few times in my own friendships. People-pleasers sometimes harbor huge amounts of resentment because they feel compelled to say “yes” even when they want to say “no.”
Over time, that unspoken frustration builds until it seeps out in passive-aggressive ways—like forgetting your plans at the last minute, or half-heartedly helping with tasks they promised to do.
If the positivity feels strangely strained, it might be time to check in and make it safe for them to share what’s really on their mind.
Final thoughts
Passive-aggressive behaviors might look small on the surface, but they can inflict serious damage over time.
They erode trust, create tension, and may leave you feeling like you’re walking on eggshells.
More often than not, the person exhibiting these actions doesn’t have an easy way to articulate their resentment—or maybe they fear the consequences of showing it openly.
Regardless, it’s not healthy for either party. Direct and honest communication is the antidote.
Yes, that can be uncomfortable, but it’s far better than quietly simmering in negativity.
Healthy relationships require clarity, and clarity only comes from being forthright about our emotions and intentions.
If you recognize any (or all) of these behaviors in someone close to you, it might be time to have a heart-to-heart.
Start by sharing how you feel and inviting them to open up. Stress that you’re not interested in blame, only mutual understanding.
And if you’re on the receiving end of your own passive-aggressive habits—hey, we’ve all been there—it’s important to self-reflect on what emotions you might be burying.
After all, you can’t heal what you don’t acknowledge.
Signing off.
