If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my years as a relationship counselor, it’s that nobody sets out wanting to spend their golden years feeling isolated or neglected.
Most of us dream of a life brimming with genuine connections, meaningful friendships, and loved ones who truly see us and cherish our presence.
But often, we unknowingly cling to certain behaviors that push people away or keep us from cultivating the relationships we deeply desire.
I’m here to tell you that if you’re worried about loneliness creeping up on you later in life, you can be proactive. I’ve watched clients transform their relational dynamics just by realizing which habits were damaging them the most.
Below, I’ll walk you through seven behaviors that can drive a wedge between you and the rest of the world.
If you’re serious about forging connections that stand the test of time, it’s time to say goodbye to these tendencies for good.
1. Not investing in meaningful connections
I’ve noticed that some of the most isolated people I’ve worked with were the ones who never truly invested in the people around them.
It’s not that they didn’t want friends or a partner; they just assumed that closeness happens automatically.
But real friendship and love require nurturing, checking in, and being there for each other even when it’s not convenient. You can’t plant a seed, never water it, and then be shocked when it doesn’t grow.
Think about the relationships in your life. Do you call, text, or meet up regularly? Do you show support when someone is going through a difficult time?
If you spend years barely reaching out or making an effort, those relationships will fade. By the time you really need someone, they might have drifted away.
Investing in connections isn’t about hovering or forcing friendships; it’s about making a sincere effort to stay present in each other’s lives.
2. Being overly self-focused
We all have a right to look out for ourselves, but there’s a point where self-preservation can tilt into self-absorption.
If your conversations primarily revolve around your problems, your stories, your accomplishments—without leaving room to hear and appreciate the other person—people eventually distance themselves.
I once realized I was doing this in my own marriage: I’d talk about my day, my stress, and barely ask my husband what he’d been through.
The moment I caught myself, it became a turning point in my relationship.
Being mindful of how much you talk versus how much you listen can be a game-changer. Do you ask follow-up questions or offer empathy? Or do you pivot the conversation back to you as soon as there’s a chance?
If you’re consistently in “me mode,” relationships can feel one-sided—and no one wants to stick around for that.
Part of building genuine connection means cultivating active interest in others. So let’s make space for someone else to shine, share, and be heard.
3. Building emotional walls
Being too guarded can inadvertently push people away.
Vulnerability might sound terrifying—I’ve heard countless clients say they’d rather avoid the risk than open themselves to possible heartbreak. ‘
I get it; letting someone in means you could get hurt. However, refusing to share any piece of yourself closes off opportunities for deeper bonds.
Without vulnerability, relationships stay stuck at surface-level, and over time, that superficiality can feel empty.
As psychologist Brene Brown said:
“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.”
Here’s the thing: letting your guard down doesn’t mean oversharing or dropping all boundaries. It means allowing the right people to see the real you—flaws, fears, and all.
I’ve seen how powerful it is when someone finally admits, “I’m scared I’m not good enough,” or “I’m worried you’ll leave.” Those conversations (though tough in the moment) often lead to an even stronger sense of closeness.
Fear can keep us isolated, but facing it and taking small, thoughtful steps toward vulnerability can break the cycle of loneliness.
4. Always putting yourself down
If you spend time with someone who constantly criticizes themselves, you’ll notice how exhausting it can be.
This was actually a lightbulb moment for me in my early twenties. I had a friend who would diminish every compliment with a “No, I’m not good enough” or “I’ll never measure up.”
At first, I tried to uplift her. But after months of it, I felt drained because she wasn’t interested in changing that mindset—she just wanted the endless reassurance.
Of course, there’s no shame in seeking genuine help for your struggles; in fact, I applaud that.
But recognize the line between authentically asking for support and constantly bashing yourself to the point that others feel they have to tiptoe around you.
Negative self-talk can repel people because it shifts the dynamic into a perpetual rescue mission. You might find that people withdraw or get fatigued from having to reassure you all the time.
But really, it isn’t their role to do that.
As psychologist Dr. Brooke Dean explains in this post, “Only seeing the negative, and operating from a view that everything is negative and against you, is a twisted way of thinking and living, and you can change that.”
5. Clinging to toxic relationships
Sometimes we stay in unhealthy connections because the unknown seems scarier.
However, toxic relationships—be they romantic, platonic, or familial—can chip away at our emotional well-being and stop us from forming new, healthier bonds.
I’ve written about codependency before, and a recurring theme is the fear of emptiness if we let go.
But the truth is, every time you cling to a relationship that’s eroding your sense of self, you’re missing out on connections that could actually elevate you.
I once counseled a woman who was reluctant to end a long-time friendship even though it was emotionally abusive.
She feared she’d lose the only social support she had. But after she found the strength to walk away, she discovered she had much more time and emotional capacity for kind-hearted people and experiences.
Clinging to toxicity doesn’t just keep you in pain—it blocks the new relationships that could bring genuine joy. Sometimes you have to clear out the clutter to make room for the good stuff.
6. Letting stagnation overrun your life
I can’t emphasize enough the importance of hobbies for both personal fulfillment and social connection, especially as you grow older.
Having interests outside of work or your usual routine opens doors to meeting people who share similar passions.
It also gives you something to talk about beyond daily life stress. It’s amazing how a pottery class, a book club, or a hiking group can spark friendships that last for years.
When you stop exploring what lights you up, you might find yourself bored—and even worse, boring to others.
People gravitate toward those who have a zest for life and diverse experiences to share. If all your days look the same, how can you form dynamic connections? How can you feel vibrant and purposeful?
The pros over at Psychology Today back this up, saying stagnation can even trigger depression and a sense that our lives are not on track.
So, step out of that comfort zone: sign up for that community class, join that local volunteer group, or finally learn that instrument you’ve been eyeing.
Fresh experiences feed your soul and introduce you to new friendships.
7. Dodging accountability
I’ve saved a big one until last, friends. Failing to own up to mistakes or responsibilities is a surefire way to find yourself alone in the long run.
We all slip up—maybe you forget a friend’s birthday or lose your temper during a disagreement.
The real damage is done when you refuse to apologize, make excuses, or blame the other person for your actions.
This erodes trust like nothing else and can leave a trail of broken relationships in its wake.
When you do something hurtful—intentionally or not—stepping forward and saying, “I messed up and I’m sorry,” can open the door to healing.
Genuine apologies and consistent boundary-setting go hand in hand because respect in any relationship hinges on accountability.
Taking responsibility is an act of maturity. It shows people you respect them enough to admit when you’re wrong and that you’re willing to work on it.
Over time, those who dodge accountability end up isolated. People steer clear because no one wants to be a perpetual scapegoat.
In a world where trust is already fragile, accountability helps keep relationships stable and authentic.
Final thoughts
I know how painful it can be to look at your own behavior and realize you’ve been chasing people away or building walls so tall that nobody can climb them.
But I promise you, every single one of these behaviors can be unlearned.
It might mean seeking counseling, practicing active listening, or taking baby steps toward vulnerability.
It could be about having the courage to walk away from negativity or exploring the things that make you come alive.
Life’s too short to walk it alone—especially when companionship, empathy, and understanding are well within reach.
Sure, it takes effort, but the reward is a circle of people who genuinely appreciate the real you.
So if you’re determined not to face old age feeling lonely and isolated, consider scrubbing these seven habits from your life. Trust me, it’s worth the work.
Signing off
