I’m going to say something that might ruffle a few feathers: you can have the most polished LinkedIn profile, the sharpest elevator pitch, and the most impressive CV in the room – but if you lose your cool in a tense meeting, that’s what people will remember.
Not the accolades. Not the experience.
The moment you snapped.
This isn’t comfortable to admit, but I’ve seen it happen. Early in my career at a global marketing agency, I watched a brilliant colleague torpedo his credibility in a single afternoon. He was talented, strategic, well-respected. Then a campaign went sideways, a client pushed back hard, and he responded with barely concealed frustration.
Within weeks, he was quietly moved off the account. No formal complaint. Just a slow fade from opportunities.
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: how you react under pressure isn’t separate from your professional identity. It is your professional identity, at least in the eyes of everyone watching.
We remember the reaction, not the reason
Think about the last time you witnessed someone lose their composure at work. Maybe it was a raised voice in a meeting or a passive-aggressive email cc’d to too many people.
Now ask yourself: do you remember what triggered them?
Probably not. But I bet you remember how they made you feel. Uncomfortable. Uncertain. Maybe even unsafe.
This is how our brains work. We’re wired to track emotional signals because, historically, they told us who was trustworthy and who was dangerous. Adam Grant writes extensively about how emotional intelligence shapes workplace dynamics – people form lasting impressions based on emotional behaviour far more than on technical competence.
Your reputation isn’t built solely on what you deliver. It’s built on who you are to work with.
Emotional regulation is a skill, not a personality trait
Here’s where I want to push back on a common misconception: some people think emotional control is something you either have or you don’t. Like it’s baked into your DNA.
I disagree.
When I transitioned from agency work into freelance consulting and personal branding coaching, I had to confront my own patterns. I’d spent years in high-pressure environments where reactivity was almost normalised. But when I started running workshops and working one-on-one with clients, I realised my emotional responses were a choice.
Not always easy, but a choice.
Growing up between two cultures shaped this understanding. I was born in Tokyo and moved to Sydney at a young age. In Japan, there’s a strong emphasis on emotional composure in professional settings.
In Australia, directness is more valued. Living between these worlds taught me that emotional expression isn’t fixed – it can be learned and refined.
The good news is that this means you can get better at it. Emotional regulation is a skill, like public speaking or project management.
It takes practice, self-awareness, and sometimes a bit of honest feedback from people who care about you.
Your reactions send signals you might not intend
Let me be direct: when you react poorly, you’re broadcasting information about yourself. And that information travels fast.
- Lose your temper with a junior team member? People question whether you’re leadership material.
- Get defensive when receiving feedback? Colleagues stop offering it.
- Shut down in the face of conflict? You become someone people work around rather than with.
This isn’t always fair.
Sometimes the frustration is justified. But fairness isn’t the point, perception is. And perception, accumulated over dozens of small interactions, is what becomes your reputation.
Brené Brown talks about trust being built in small moments, not grand gestures. The same is true for reputation. It’s not your biggest wins that define you – it’s how you show up in the mundane, stressful, unglamorous moments.
What’s underneath the reaction matters
Here’s something I tell my coaching clients: your emotional response is data. It’s telling you something. The question is whether you’re willing to listen.
When I feel myself getting reactive (defensive, irritated, anxious), I ask myself what’s really going on. Usually, it’s not about the immediate situation. It’s something deeper: feeling undervalued, unheard, or like my competence is being questioned.
Once you understand what’s driving the reaction, you have options.
You can address the underlying need directly. You can choose a more intentional response. And you can even decide that the reaction is appropriate, but express it in a way that doesn’t burn bridges.
This is what I mean when I talk about personal branding, starting with self-awareness. You can’t manage your emotional responses if you don’t understand them.
The small stuff is the big stuff
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from working with clients on their personal brands, it’s this: the small stuff is never really small. The way you respond to a disappointing email.
The face you make when someone disagrees with you in a meeting. The tone you use when you’re stressed and tired and just want to get through the day.
These moments accumulate. They form a pattern. And that pattern is what people think of when they think of you.
I watch this play out in my own household with my two kids. They don’t remember the parenting philosophy I aspire to—they remember how Dad reacted when they spilled juice on the carpet or interrupted his work call.
The same principle applies at work. People remember how you made them feel, not what you intended.
Final thoughts
Your emotional responses aren’t a footnote to your professional identity. They’re central to it. How you handle frustration, disappointment, conflict, and criticism tells people everything they need to know about what it’s like to work with you.
You don’t need to be perfect or suppress who you really are. You should instead be intentional and recognize that every reaction is a choice, even when it doesn’t feel like one.
So here’s my challenge: over the next week, pay attention to your emotional responses at work. Not to judge them, but to notice them.
- What triggers you?
- What’s underneath the reaction?
- What would it look like to respond differently?
Your reputation is being built in real time, in every interaction. Make sure the signals you’re sending are the ones you actually want people to receive.
