Dealing with a covert narcissist can be challenging, especially when they’ve had their way for so long; but when you finally stand your ground, you may notice a shift in their behavior.
Covert narcissism is a form of narcissism where the individual is self-absorbed and manipulative but hides it well beneath a facade of humility or a ‘nice’ persona.
As individuals, it’s vital we feel valued, understood, and acknowledged.
When we stand our ground, the covert narcissist’s real colors start to emerge; their actions may become unpredictable, manipulative, or even vindictive, making it hard to navigate.
Using psychological insights, here are 9 things you can expect to see when you assert your boundaries—and how to handle them effectively:
1) They gaslight
Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic covert narcissists often employ, and it can be even more prevalent when you stand your ground.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where the narcissist makes you doubt your own sanity or perception of reality—suddenly, your facts aren’t facts, and your memory isn’t reliable.
You may find them blatantly lying or creating a false narrative that paints them as the victim.
They might say things like, “That never happened,” “You’re imagining things,” or “You’re overreacting.”
The goal here is to make you feel uncertain and unsteady, to the point where you start questioning your own judgment and memories.
This can lead to feelings of confusion, anxiety, and self-doubt, making it easier for them to maintain control.
2) They become aggressive
When a covert narcissist feels threatened by your newfound assertiveness, they may respond with aggression.
This doesn’t necessarily mean physical violence; aggression can take many forms, including verbal hostility or passive-aggressive behaviors.
They might resort to name-calling, shouting, or extreme criticism when you confront them or challenge their behavior—this is an attempt to intimidate and establish dominance.
In passive-aggressive scenarios, they might give you the silent treatment, withhold affection or use sarcasm to undermine you.
These behaviors serve as a form of punishment for standing up to them and are designed to make you feel guilty or confused.
3) They play the victim
You’d think that standing your ground would make a covert narcissist back off, but oddly enough, it can often lead to them playing the victim.
Suddenly, they are the ones who are wronged and misunderstood; they might interpret your assertiveness as an attack and twist it to look like they’re the ones being treated unfairly.
They may accuse you of being selfish or uncaring, acting hurt or distressed to gain sympathy.
This is a tactic to deflect attention from their own behavior and shift the blame onto you.
In reality, they’re manipulating your emotions to regain control.
4) They smear your reputation
When you stand up to a covert narcissist, they might feel their control slipping away, and this scares them.
To regain control and maintain their image, they might resort to a smear campaign.
Covertly, they’ll start sharing stories about you, twisting truths, and painting you in a negative light to others.
This could be friends, family, or even colleagues; they do this to isolate you and make others doubt your credibility.
It’s a dirty game they play, but it’s critical to remember that it says more about them than it does about you.
Their actions are a desperate attempt to protect their ego and maintain their distorted reality.
5) They make promises of change
In the face of confrontation, a covert narcissist may suddenly appear remorseful and promise to change their ways.
They might shower you with affection, apologize profusely, and even agree to seek help; this might seem like a glimmer of hope, a sign that they recognize their wrongdoings.
However, more often than not, it’s just another manipulation tactic!
While people do have the capacity for change, with narcissists, these promises are usually empty.
They use them as a means to reel you back into their web of control.
6) They test your boundaries
Everyone has their own set of boundaries—but, when you finally stand your ground against a covert narcissist, they might see this as a challenge and start testing these boundaries.
They might do this subtly, by gradually pushing past small limits to see how much they can get away with.
Think of it like a game they play: Where the goal is to regain control and keep you within their grasp.
They could start by making small requests that make you slightly uncomfortable, or by casually dismissing your feelings or needs.
Over time, these instances may escalate, pushing your boundaries further and further!
7) They feign innocence
When confronted, a covert narcissist might suddenly turn into a deer caught in headlights.
They’ll act surprised and shocked, claiming they had no idea their actions were causing you distress.
They might say things like, “I was only joking,” or “You’re just too sensitive,” effectively downplaying their actions and making you second guess your feelings.
While it can be frustrating, it’s also a bit amusing to see the lengths they will go to in order to avoid taking responsibility.
8) They threaten to leave
Pulling the “I’ll leave” card is one of the common tactics covert narcissists use when you stand your ground.
They know you care about the relationship, and they use that to manipulate your emotions.
They might threaten to end the relationship or create a scene, hoping that your fear of losing them will make you back down and conform to their wishes.
But here’s the hard truth: If someone consistently uses the threat of leaving to control you, they don’t respect you or your relationship.
It’s a toxic manipulation tactic, and you deserve better!
Stand your ground, even if it means letting them walk away from you and your life—you’re stronger than you think.
9) They don’t define your worth
Perhaps the most important thing to remember when dealing with a covert narcissist is that their actions, words, or opinions do not define your worth.
Despite their attempts to belittle you, make you question your sanity, or manipulate your emotions, remember that these are reflections of their insecurities and not a measure of your value.
You are strong, you are capable, and you have the right to stand up for yourself—don’t let a narcissist’s behavior make you feel otherwise.
You are more than enough, just as you are!
In conclusion
Dealing with a covert narcissist can be emotionally draining, especially when you stand your ground.
It can leave you questioning your worth, but remember, you cannot change a narcissist or their behavior—they are trapped in their own ego.
The key takeaway: Their inability to value you doesn’t define your worth!
Their actions reflect their insecurities, not who you truly are.
If you see these signs in someone close, it may be time to reassess the relationship.
Standing up to a covert narcissist is about reclaiming your power, setting boundaries, and recognizing you deserve respect and love.
You are strong, worthy, and capable of standing your ground!
