I’d love to say that I’m a naturally charismatic and magnetic person. But the truth is, I’m not.
I’m the type who often worries about making a good impression because if there’s anything I’m natural at, it’s being socially awkward.
Connecting with others has never come effortlessly for me; it’s something I’ve had to learn and practice. But thanks to my job in education, working with students, parents, fellow teachers, and community leaders, I did have lots of opportunities to get better at it.
If building rapport with new people is a struggle for you, I’m here to say that it’s actually much easier than you think.
Here are eight smart ways to do that, even with people you think you have nothing in common with:
1) Be aware of your body language
Connection begins with the way we present ourselves. And that, of course, includes our body language.
You could say our bodies have a voice of their own. Without even saying a word, we’re actually already sending signals to people, letting them know if we’re happy to meet them or not.
According to body language researcher Albert Mehrabian, communication is 55% nonverbal, 38% vocal, and 7% words.
Which means, your mouth might be saying one thing, but if your body language doesn’t match it, you could be perceived a different way than you intended to be.
You can imagine then how important it is to be aware of your body language. Is your stance relaxed? Is your gaze steady? Is your handshake firm and your smile genuine?
All of these gestures go a long way in making new people feel comfortable around you, even if they don’t even know anything about you yet.
2) Use mirroring
Speaking of body language, there’s perhaps no other gesture that builds rapport as quickly as mirroring.
And it’s quite simple to do, too. You just subtly let your position reflect the other person’s position.
If they lean back, you lean back as well. Whatever their arm position is, you can slowly work your way to that position, too.
Why does this work so well? Because it’s limbic synchrony in action.
It’s like when you coincidentally say the same word at the same time as someone else – and you both yelled out, “Jinx!” There’s an instant feeling of connection, right? Mirroring is very much like that, only without the words.
Author Carol Kinsey Goman explains, “As adults, we do it when we are talking with someone we like, are interested in, or agree with. We subconsciously switch our body posture to match that of the other person – mirroring that person’s nonverbal behavior and signaling that we are connected and engaged.”
The trick, though, is to do it subtly. Don’t mirror every move, just a few every now and then will do.
Otherwise, it’s going to look very obvious, and that then takes away from your sincerity and credibility.
3) Match their tone
Another smart way to connect – and this is very much based on the principle of mirroring as well – is to match the other person’s tone.
If they’re speaking with enthusiasm and energy, bring a similar level of liveliness to your responses. If they’re more of a reserved or gentle type, adjust your tone to meet theirs.
It’s a strategy that has always worked for me when dealing with kids of wildly different personalities and energy levels. And their parents, too!
Don’t get me wrong, though – I’m not saying you should change your entire personality. It’s just a matter of being flexible enough to meet people where they are and adjust your energy to fit the conversation.
It’s a simple way of making them feel comfortable, as if they’re talking to someone who truly gets them.
4) Find common ground
So you’re talking to someone you think has nothing in common with you?
Think again.
The wonderful thing about us human beings is that we’re more similar than alike, even if it doesn’t seem so on the surface.
I once had a boss who showed me how true this is. Whenever she’d meet a new client, she’d engage them in conversation and ask, ask, ask questions until she could find something they have in common.
And you know what? She never came away empty-handed!
By some miracle (or her excellent conversational skills), she’d find they have either a common friend or interest. She’d latch onto that and build on it until they could get onto more solid ground.
So don’t be afraid to ask open-ended questions or share a bit about yourself. Even the tiniest detail can turn into something you both connect over, no matter how different you think you are.
5) Listen with empathy
This is closely connected to my previous point, as finding something to connect over requires listening with empathy.
What exactly does that mean?
For me, it’s a simple matter of open-mindedness and a non-judgmental attitude.
For instance, if you’re talking with someone who comes from a different culture and they happen to mention a tradition or a habit that makes no sense to you…don’t pull any faces or mention how strange it is!
If you want to connect, you have to stay open to different viewpoints. Empathic listening doesn’t mean you agree with what others say every time. It simply asks that you make them feel safe and valued.
6) Use humor wisely
Have you ever noticed how public speakers often start out with a joke or a funny comment?
That’s because humor makes people laugh, and you want to start out on a high and warm note, of course. But more than that, Insights by Stanford Business says that humor:
- Allows you to connect with your audience
- Diffuse tension
- Elevate status
- Foster trust
- Compel others to your point of view
That’s a whole lot of benefits, isn’t it? It’s really handy for greasing the wheels when you’re meeting someone new whom you feel you don’t have much in common with.
Just be sure you’re applying it wisely, though. The goal is to use humor that feels natural and inclusive – stay away from jokes that come at someone’s expense or anything that might make others uncomfortable.
7) Pay them a compliment
Ah, another foolproof way to connect.
Look, everyone loves being complimented, that’s just a fact. Even if they’re a little awkward about accepting it, a genuine compliment has a way of lifting people’s spirits.
I once struck up a lovely conversation with a stranger on the subway, and it all started with me telling her I loved her shoes. From there, we got to talking about shoes then on to great bargains – which we both clearly loved!
Compliments – as long as they’re sincere – tell the other person that you notice them. That’s a message that will always make them feel special and warm towards you.
8) Be genuinely interested
All of these points above come down to this one overarching rule of connection and rapport – be truly interested.
People do know when you’re being fake-interested. They know when you’re just going through the motions and filling in the silence.
And honestly, if you’re not really interested in getting to know someone, all these other strategies I talked about will feel burdensome to do.
In contrast, when you’re genuinely curious about someone, the conversation flows naturally. You don’t have to think too hard about what to say or do; your attention and engagement will guide you.
So if you want to connect with new people, be truly curious. Ask questions because you want to know them as a person, not because it’s the polite thing to do.
When your interest is authentic, building rapport becomes a natural – and enjoyable – consequence of that, no matter how different you are.
