As the founder of Hack Spirit and a mindfulness enthusiast, I’ve spent a lot of time observing human behaviors. One thing that’s really struck me is how our upbringing shapes our parenting styles.
In particular, I’ve noticed that those who were frequently criticized growing up often have a specific way of interacting with their own children.
You see, criticism we receive during our formative years can impact how we communicate with our kids, often unconsciously repeating patterns we experienced in childhood.
In this article, we’re going to delve into eight of these behaviors. We’ll explore why they happen and what we can do about it.
Let’s get started.
1) Hyper-criticism
Many of us are familiar with the phrase “like father, like son” or “like mother, like daughter”. This isn’t just a saying – it’s a psychological phenomenon.
Those heavily criticized in their youth often become hyper-critical parents themselves. This isn’t intentional, but rather a deeply ingrained behavior pattern. It’s a learned response, a way of parenting they know because it’s what they experienced.
They might nitpick their child’s homework, their friends, their choices – always finding something that could be better.
This constant criticism can create a tense environment and affect the child’s self-esteem.
But awareness is the first step towards change. If you recognize this in yourself, it’s not too late to break the cycle.
2) Difficulty expressing affection
Growing up, my folks were never big on expressing affection. I was criticized more than I was praised or hugged. They believed in tough love and thought that constant critique would make me stronger and better.
As I grew older and became a father myself, I realized that I was unconsciously mimicking the same behavior with my own kids. It was hard for me to express affection openly. Saying “I love you” or giving a simple hug felt awkward and unnatural.
But then I noticed how my behavior was impacting my children. They became distant and less open with their feelings. That’s when I decided to break this cycle.
It wasn’t easy, but with time, patience, and conscious effort, I learned to express love and affection towards my children. And the change in our relationship was remarkable.
3) Perfectionism
They grow up feeling they are never good enough, that they constantly need to prove their worth. This mindset often transfers to their own children, creating an environment where only the best is good enough.
In my book, “Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego“, I discuss how this constant striving for perfection can lead to unnecessary stress and anxiety – both for the parents and the children.
I delve into how Buddhist principles can help you break free from this cycle of perfectionism. It’s about learning to let go, to appreciate progress rather than perfection, and to practice self-compassion.
Breaking free from this mindset can lead to healthier relationships with our children.
4) Difficulty with emotional expression
Psychological studies reveal that individuals who were heavily criticized as children often struggle with emotional expression in adulthood. This is likely because they grew up in an environment where expressing emotions was discouraged or even punished.
These individuals often find it hard to identify and communicate their feelings, and this can extend to their relationship with their own children. They might struggle to comfort their child during distressing times or fail to express joy during happy moments.
It’s crucial for these parents to understand that it’s okay to express emotions. Emotions are a natural part of being human, and showing them to your children can actually strengthen your bond.
5) Overcompensation
This one might seem a bit counter-intuitive, but hear me out. Some people who were heavily criticized as children swing to the opposite extreme with their own kids. They overcompensate by being overly permissive and lenient.
In an effort to spare their children the negative experiences they had, these parents tend to avoid any form of criticism or discipline, often creating a lack of boundaries or rules. While this may come from a place of love and protection, it can have unintended consequences.
Children need a certain amount of structure and discipline to grow into responsible adults. The trick is finding a balance between guidance and freedom.
So, let’s strive to make balanced impressions that foster growth without stifling individuality.
6) Fear of failure
This stems from their own experiences, where failure was met with criticism and disappointment rather than constructive feedback and encouragement.
This fear can stifle a child’s willingness to try new things, take risks or step outside their comfort zone. It’s essential for parents to encourage their children to view failures as learning opportunities rather than something to be ashamed of.
Let’s help our children understand that it’s not about winning or losing, but about the effort they put in and what they learn from the experience.
7) High expectations
Growing up, the bar was set high. A B+ was good, but why wasn’t it an A? Second place was okay, but why not first? This environment of high expectations carried over into my own parenting style.
Every missed goal or less-than-perfect outcome became a source of stress. My children felt the weight of these expectations and it was affecting their self-confidence.
After recognizing this, I started to shift my focus from achievement to effort. I praised hard work and perseverance, not just the end result. This change helped foster a more supportive and encouraging environment for my children.
As psychologist Albert Bandura said, “In order to succeed, people need a sense of self-efficacy, to struggle together with resilience to meet the inevitable obstacles and inequities of life.” And that became my new goal as a parent.
8) Emotional distancing
Emotional distancing is a defense mechanism often seen in individuals who were criticized heavily as children. They’ve learned to protect themselves by keeping their emotional distance, and this can carry over into their relationships with their own children.
They may find it difficult to engage in deep, emotional conversations or share vulnerable moments. This can make their children feel misunderstood or alone.
However, by recognizing this pattern, parents can work towards breaking down these emotional walls.
By opening up and showing vulnerability, they can create deeper connections and better understand their children’s emotions too.
Final thoughts: The cycle can be broken
Our upbringing significantly influences our behaviors, particularly in our roles as parents. If you were often criticized as a child, you might find yourself unconsciously reflecting these patterns with your own children.
However, recognizing these behaviors is the first step towards change. We all carry the power to break the cycle and create a healthier environment for our children – one that fosters growth, nurtures self-esteem, and encourages open communication.
In my book, “Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego“, I delve into the power of mindfulness and self-awareness. These tools can help us understand our behaviors better and guide us towards more compassionate parenting.
Remember, it’s not about being the “perfect” parent but about being present, understanding, and supportive. As we navigate through the complexities of parenting, let’s aim to leave a positive imprint on our children’s lives.
So let’s accept our flaws, learn from them, and strive to be better for ourselves and our children.
