There’s an old saying, “Don’t judge a book by its cover,” which rings true when it comes to people.
Some folks seem sweet as sugar on the surface, but once you start peeling back the layers, their true colors shine through. And it’s not always a pretty sight.
These ‘sugar-coated meanies’, as I like to call them, often display a handful of specific behaviors – eight, to be exact.
In this article, we’re going to delve into these particular behaviors, so you can spot them from a mile away. Because knowing is half the battle, right?
Let’s get started.
1) They’re masters of backhanded compliments
Now, we’ve all been on the receiving end of a compliment that didn’t feel quite right.
These ‘sugar-coated meanies’ have a knack for this. They’ll say something that seems nice at first, but once you think about it, there’s a sting in the tail. It’s like they’re giving with one hand and taking away with the other.
Backhanded compliments are a classic way for these people to keep you off balance. You’re left wondering whether they meant it as a compliment or an insult. This confusion gives them an upper hand.
This behavior is subtle but very telling. So next time you’re given a compliment that leaves a sour taste, take note. It might be a clear sign of someone who’s sweet on the surface but mean underneath.
2) They gossip more than a tabloid journalist
I’ll never forget this one coworker I had a few years back. Let’s call her Jane. On the surface, Jane was the sweetest thing. She’d welcome everyone with a bright smile and warm greetings every morning.
But boy, once you got her alone, she’d whip out her gossip hat. She knew everything about everyone and wasn’t shy about sharing it. I remember her telling me about another colleague’s marital problems, which I had no business knowing.
Jane’s gossiping seemed harmless at first, but over time it became clear that this was her way of keeping people off balance, maintaining control, and subtly asserting dominance. It was a toxic behavior hiding behind a veneer of friendliness.
3) They’re overly competitive, even in trivial situations
Did you know that the animal kingdom is full of creatures exhibiting competitive behaviors for seemingly trivial reasons? From birds showing off their flashy feathers to attract a mate, to goats butting heads over a patch of grass, competition is a part of nature.
In humans too, a healthy sense of competition can drive us to achieve more. But those who are kind on the surface but mean underneath take this to another level. They turn every situation into a contest, trying to one-up everyone else.
Whether it’s having the last word in a conversation or making sure their salad is healthier than yours at lunch, they’re always playing to win. This competitive streak may seem harmless at first, but it’s actually their way of asserting dominance and control.
4) They rarely apologize, or their apologies lack sincerity
We all make mistakes, it’s part of being human. But how we react to those mistakes can tell a lot about our character.
People who are kind on the surface but mean underneath have a tough time saying “I’m sorry”. And when they do, their apologies often feel hollow or insincere.
You might hear them say things like “I’m sorry you feel that way” which subtly shifts the blame onto you, rather than owning up to their actions. Or they might use the classic non-apology, “I’m sorry if I…” which implies that they don’t really believe they did anything wrong.
This reluctance to genuinely apologize is a defensive mechanism, aimed to protect their ego and maintain control.
5) They dismiss or invalidate your feelings
One of the most heartbreaking things to experience is having your feelings dismissed or invalidated by someone who appears kind on the surface.
You might pour your heart out to them about something that’s bothering you, only for them to respond with a casual, “Oh, it’s not that big a deal” or “You’re overreacting.” This lack of empathy and understanding can leave you feeling small and unheard.
It’s important to remember that your feelings are valid. No one else gets to decide how you should feel.
If someone consistently dismisses or invalidates your feelings, it’s a clear sign they’re not as kind as they seem. Because true kindness involves acknowledging and respecting others’ emotions, not brushing them off.
6) They take more than they give
There was this friend I had growing up, we were inseparable. We’d spend our afternoons playing, and our nights talking about everything under the sun.
However, I started noticing a pattern. Whenever we traded our favorite comic books, I’d always end up with the ones in poor condition while he got my best ones. If we bought candy, he’d have the lion’s share. The more I looked, the more I saw this imbalance in our friendship.
These kind of folks are experts at taking more than they give. They may do it subtly so you might not notice it right away. But over time, this can lead to a draining and unfulfilling relationship.
Always remember, a true friend or a genuine person ensures that there’s balance – they don’t just take, but also give with an open heart.
7) They’re quick to point out your flaws
Nobody’s perfect. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. But those who are kind on the surface yet mean underneath, have a peculiar tendency to highlight your flaws or mistakes.
They might do it under the guise of ‘constructive criticism’, but the timing and delivery often suggest otherwise. Instead of helping you grow, their comments leave you feeling belittled or embarrassed.
There’s a difference between someone offering genuine advice to help you improve, and someone constantly picking at your flaws to bring you down. If you notice someone frequently highlighting your shortcomings, especially in front of others, they may not be as kind as they appear.
8) Their kindness often comes with strings attached
The ultimate sign of someone who is kind on the surface but mean underneath? Their acts of kindness usually come with strings attached.
They might lend you a hand when you’re in need, but they’ll be sure to remind you of it later when they need a favor. Or they’ll do something nice for you, only to use it as leverage in an argument.
True kindness is selfless and unconditional. It doesn’t keep score or expect anything in return.