There’s a significant gap between being genuinely kind and having low self-esteem. This disparity is often seen in the way people act and react in different situations.
Being genuinely kind often means putting others before yourself, which is commendable. However, when paired with low self-esteem, it can lead to behaviors that aren’t quite as healthy or beneficial.
These folks usually display certain behaviors, often without even realizing they’re doing so. With this article, I’ll be highlighting seven of these behaviors that are typically exhibited by people who are genuinely kind but suffer from low self-esteem.
Let’s dive in and unravel these subtle signs that may be more revealing than they seem at first glance.
1) They apologize excessively
Kindness and low self-esteem can often manifest themselves as an over-abundance of apologies.
These genuinely kind people are usually hyper-aware of their actions and how they might affect others. They often go to great lengths to avoid causing any inconvenience or discomfort to those around them.
But when paired with low self-esteem, this sensitivity can take a turn towards excessive apologizing. They find themselves saying “I’m sorry” for things that don’t warrant an apology, or even for situations that are completely out of their control.
This behavior is more than just a polite habit. It’s a reflexive response stemming from their low self-esteem, a constant worry about being a burden or causing trouble.
The irony is, while they think they’re being considerate, this excessive apologizing can sometimes have the opposite effect. It can make those around them feel uncomfortable or frustrated, further exacerbating their low self-esteem.
2) They struggle to accept compliments
People who are genuinely kind but have low self-esteem often struggle to accept compliments. This is a behavior I’ve personally experienced.
I remember, during a recent work presentation, I was praised for my well-structured and engaging delivery. Instead of accepting the compliment with a simple “thank you,” my instinctive response was to downplay it. I found myself saying, “Oh, it was nothing. Anyone could have done that.”
This urge to downplay or deflect compliments is a common behavior for those with low self-esteem. Despite their kindness and often impressive abilities, they struggle to believe they’re deserving of praise. They fear being perceived as arrogant or attention-seeking.
3) They often engage in negative self-talk
Negative self-talk is a common behavior among those who are kind but have low self-esteem. They may frequently use phrases like “I’m so stupid” or “I can’t do anything right.”
The human brain processes negative information about ourselves more thoroughly than positive information. This is known as the negativity bias, and it’s why we often remember and dwell on negative experiences more than positive ones.
For those with low self-esteem, this bias can be magnified. They are likely to internalize their mistakes and criticisms more deeply, leading to a constant stream of negative self-talk.
Despite their kindness to others, they find it hard to extend the same compassion to themselves.
4) They struggle to set boundaries
One of the universal behaviors of people with low self-esteem, despite their genuine kindness, is their struggle to establish boundaries.
Their inherent drive to be kind and helpful can often lead them to overextend themselves. They might take on more than they can handle, work longer hours than necessary, or agree to favors even when they’re already overwhelmed.
Setting boundaries involves asserting one’s needs and saying ‘no’ when necessary, which can be a daunting task for those with low self-esteem. They fear that setting boundaries could make them seem selfish or unkind.
But in the long run, this inability to set boundaries can lead to burnout and resentment. If you observe someone who always seems to be stretched too thin without ever standing up for themselves, it could be a sign of low self-esteem underlying their kindness.
5) They constantly seek validation
Seeking validation is another behavior common to those who are genuinely kind but have low self-esteem. I’ve found myself doing this more times than I’d like to admit.
During group projects at work, I often found myself asking for reassurance about my contributions. Even though I knew that I’d put in my best effort, there was always this nagging doubt. The question, “Have I done enough?” seemed to echo in my mind.
This constant need for reassurance stems from the uncertainty that comes with low self-esteem. Despite their kindness and hard work, they find it hard to believe in their abilities and worth unless others validate it.
6) They often compare themselves to others
Frequent comparison to others is a common behavior among people who are genuinely kind but have low self-esteem.
They are often caught in a cycle of measuring their worth against others. Be it their friends’ achievements, their colleagues’ success, or even the seemingly perfect lives of people on social media, they constantly feel like they’re falling short.
This relentless comparison is more than just a harmless habit. It’s a manifestation of their low self-esteem. Despite their kindness and unique qualities, they struggle to see their own value and end up defining their worth based on others.
7) They have a hard time recognizing their own worth
The most significant behavior displayed by people who are genuinely kind but have low self-esteem is their inability to recognize their own worth.
Despite their compassion, generosity, and countless other positive attributes, they often struggle to see themselves in the same positive light. They may excel in caring for others and recognizing their value, but when it comes to acknowledging their own worth, they fall short.
This inability to appreciate their own value is perhaps the most poignant sign of low self-esteem. It’s a cycle that feeds into their other behaviors, like excessive apologizing, struggling with compliments, and constantly seeking validation.
If you notice someone who is endlessly kind to others but fails to give themselves the same courtesy, it’s a strong indicator of low self-esteem.