For years, I was that person who people just didn’t seem to click with.
You know the signs:
- Awkward social interactions
- Misunderstood intentions
- Unreturned phone calls
- Being left out of gatherings.
And always wondering why am I not likable?
My darkest period was a few years ago. I was simply a guy, Hack Spirit founder Lachlan Brown, who couldn’t figure out why I was consistently disliked.
During that time, I battled feelings of rejection, self-doubt, and an overwhelming sense of being misunderstood.
I was just an ordinary guy who wanted to fit in but somehow always fell short. It was frustrating and disheartening.
Then I realized: It wasn’t them. It was me. I was unknowingly displaying behaviors that pushed people away.
In this article, I want to share with you these behaviors. So if you find yourself in a similar situation, you might be able to turn things around just like I did.
1) Lack of empathy
It’s easy to miss, but it’s a major factor that influences how people perceive us. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. For someone like me, who was often misunderstood, it was a revelation.
I realized that I was so wrapped up in my own world that I failed to consider the feelings and perspectives of others.
This lack of empathy made me come across as self-centered and uncaring, which naturally pushed people away.
When I started paying attention to how others felt, when I started to really listen to them, things began to change.
Instead of being seen as indifferent, I became someone who people felt comfortable around because they felt heard and understood.
If you’re finding yourself in the same spot where people are distancing themselves from you, try this: Spend just a few minutes each day focusing on someone else’s perspective.
Whether it’s a friend, family member or even a stranger on the street.
Imagine what they might be feeling or experiencing. This simple act of empathy can transform the way people perceive you and how you interact with the world around you.
2) Negative attitude
Negativity was like a dark cloud that followed me wherever I went, casting a gloom over my interactions and relationships. People often felt drained after spending time with me, not uplifted or energized.
And I didn’t even realize it.
One day, while reading a book by the renowned psychologist Dr. Martin Seligman, a quote jumped out at me: “Pessimistic prophecies are self-fulfilling.”
It hit me – I needed to change my life by changing my attitude.
So, I started to consciously shift my negative mindset. Instead of focusing on problems, I began focusing on solutions.
Instead of complaining about things I couldn’t change, I started appreciating what I had.
It wasn’t easy, and it didn’t happen overnight, but slowly and surely, my attitude started to shift.
People noticed too. They began to enjoy being around me more because they no longer had to deal with the constant negativity.
Are you constantly negative or do you bring positivity into your interactions? A simple shift in mindset can make all the difference.
3) Being judgmental
I was quick to form opinions about people without really knowing them. I’d label them based on superficial observations, often misconstruing their intentions and actions.
This habit of mine was not only unfair to others, but it also isolated me.
One day, a friend confronted me about it. He told me that I had wrongly labeled a mutual friend based on a single interaction.
That hit me hard. Here I was, constantly feeling misunderstood, yet I was doing the same thing to others.
It made me realize how damaging my judgmental attitude was. Not only did it push people away, but it also prevented me from forming meaningful relationships.
So, I committed myself to be more open-minded and understanding. I started giving people the benefit of the doubt, and tried to know them better before forming an opinion.
This change in approach made a big difference in my relationships. People felt more comfortable around me and were more open to forming a connection.
If you notice that people are frequently put off by you, consider if you might be too quick to judge. Everyone has their own story and reasons for acting the way they do.
Giving them a fair chance can change how they perceive you.
4) Not respecting boundaries
I remember a particular incident when a colleague mentioned that she had a tough day. Instead of offering support, I pushed her to share details she wasn’t comfortable sharing.
She felt intruded upon and distanced herself from me.
I realized that by not respecting boundaries, I was making people uncomfortable and pushing them away.
People who do not respect others’ boundaries are likely to be seen as untrustworthy and disrespectful, leading to strained relationships.
So I started to consciously respect people’s boundaries. I learned to listen more and talk less. I began asking for permission before delving into personal topics and gave people the space they needed.
This shift in behavior made my relationships healthier and more respectful. Learning to acknowledge and respect these boundaries can significantly improve your relationships.
5) Dominating conversations
I used to talk a lot, often without pausing to let others speak. I thought I was being engaging and interesting, but in reality, I was coming across as self-centered and uninterested in what others had to say.
It was during a group discussion at work when a colleague subtly pointed out that I had been speaking for a long time without letting others contribute.
That comment was a wake-up call for me. I realized that by dominating conversations, I was not giving others the chance to express their thoughts and opinions, making them feel unheard and unimportant.
So, I decided to change this behavior. I started focusing more on listening rather than speaking. I began to value the opinions of others and showed genuine interest in what they had to say.
This made a significant difference in the way people interacted with me. Conversations became more balanced, and people felt more valued and respected.
Are you allowing others enough space to express themselves? Good conversation is about balance – listening just as much as speaking.
6) Lack of accountability
Whenever something went wrong, I found myself blaming others or circumstances rather than taking responsibility.
I remember a time when a project I was leading at work didn’t go as planned. Instead of owning up to my mistakes, I blamed my team and external factors.
This not only created a rift between me and my team but also made me seem unreliable.
It took me a while to realize that by not taking accountability, I was not only damaging my relationships but also my credibility.
So I started owning up to my mistakes and stopped blaming others. I made an effort to be more responsible and reliable.
This had a remarkable impact on how people perceived me. They began to respect me more and saw me as someone they could trust.
7) Trying too hard to be liked
I found myself saying things I didn’t mean, agreeing to things I didn’t want to do, all in an attempt to please others and make them like me.
But the more I tried, the less authentic I became. People sensed this and were put off by it.
I learned that it’s impossible to please everyone and that’s okay. Not everyone will like you, and that doesn’t diminish your worth.
So, I stopped trying so hard to be liked. I started being more authentic, expressing my true opinions, and doing things that made me happy.
At first, it was scary. I feared that people would dislike me more. But the opposite happened. People appreciated my authenticity and started respecting me for who I truly am.
Here’s a practical step: Next time you find yourself agreeing with someone just for the sake of being liked, pause. Express your true opinion instead.
It may feel uncomfortable at first, but in the end, your authenticity will win you genuine respect and acceptance.
Conclusion
The behaviors I’ve shared above were my personal hurdles, and addressing them helped me significantly in being more likable and building better relationships.
It’s not about changing who you are, but about improving how you interact with others.
Don’t try to work on all these behaviors at once. Pick one that resonates with you the most and start there. Small, consistent changes can lead to big improvements over time.
And most importantly, be patient with yourself. Change takes time, but it’s worth it.
We are all works in progress. Each day is a new opportunity to grow and improve.
