It’s easy to mistake harsh words for “helpful advice” — especially when they come from someone you care about.
As Hack Spirit founder and mindfulness enthusiast, Lachlan Brown, I’ve noticed that toxic partners are masters of this manipulation.
They blur the boundary between constructive feedback and covert cruelty, using criticism as a weapon disguised as concern.
These individuals know exactly how to make you doubt yourself. Their words may sound reasonable on the surface, but the deeper impact is far from supportive.
Over time, you’re left questioning your abilities, self-worth, and even your perception of reality.
In this article, we’ll expose the subtle but harmful remarks toxic partners often frame as “constructive criticism.”
You’ll discover how to recognize the difference between well-meaning guidance and manipulative control — and, more importantly, how to protect your self-esteem.
1) “You could do better”
In relationships, we often encounter situations where our partner gives us feedback. While this is quite normal and can even be beneficial, toxic partners use this as an opportunity to disguise their mean comments as “constructive criticism”.
An example of this is the phrase “You could do better”. On the surface, it may seem like a motivating remark, but a toxic partner uses it to undermine your self-esteem subtly.
They use it to imply that you are not good enough, making you question your worth.
This behavior is manipulative and harmful, leaving you constantly striving for approval that never comes.
It’s important for us to recognize these signs and stand up against such disguised toxicity.
2) “I’m just trying to help you”
I’ve been there myself. I remember a past relationship where my partner would often say, “I’m just trying to help you” after making a particularly harsh remark.
It was as if they were giving themselves permission to say something hurtful under the guise of being helpful.
For instance, they would criticize my career choices, saying things like “You’re not ambitious enough” or “You lack direction”. And when I’d get upset, they’d simply shrug and say, “I’m just trying to help you.”
Over time, I realized that these comments were not out of concern or an attempt to help me grow. Instead, they were tactfully designed to chip away at my confidence.
This is a classic move by toxic partners – making you feel like your reactions are the problem, not their comments. Don’t fall for it.
As renowned psychologist Dr. Wayne Dyer stated, “Your reputation is in the hands of others. That’s what the reputation is. You can’t control that. The only thing you can control is your character.”
So focus on your character and let no one make you feel less than who you truly are.
3) “Don’t you want to be like…?”
Toxic partners subtly (and sometimes not so subtly) compare you to others, making you feel inadequate and insecure.
A phrase they often use is, “Don’t you want to be like…?” followed by someone who they know you can’t compete with, at least in the specific context they are referring to. This isn’t constructive criticism; it’s an underhanded tactic to make you feel inferior.
In my book, “Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego”, I discuss the importance of self-acceptance and individuality. It’s crucial to understand that we are not in competition with anyone but ourselves.
Our journeys are unique, and comparing ourselves to others is a recipe for unhappiness.
Recognizing these toxic tactics and reaffirming our self-worth is the first step towards change.
4) “You’re too sensitive”
A common tactic toxic partners use is gaslighting, a form of emotional manipulation where they make you doubt your own feelings and perceptions.
One clear sign of this is when they dismiss your feelings by saying, “You’re too sensitive”.
This phrase is used to belittle your emotions and make you question their validity. It’s a way to deflect blame and avoid taking responsibility for their hurtful actions or words.
This is a form of emotional invalidation, which can lead to feelings of alienation, depression, and anxiety. It’s important to understand that your feelings are valid and don’t let anyone make you think otherwise.
5) “I’m doing this for your own good”
Ironically, one of the phrases toxic partners use to disguise their mean comments as “constructive criticism” is “I’m doing this for your own good”. It sounds like they have your best interests at heart, doesn’t it?
But that’s the catch.
This phrase is a manipulative tool used to justify their criticism and make it appear as though they’re doing you a favor. It’s a way of asserting control by making you feel indebted or beholden to them for their ‘helpful’ advice.
Counterintuitively, what seems like concern for your wellbeing is actually a passive-aggressive tactic used to undermine your self-esteem and manipulate you into accepting their criticism without question.
6) “Can’t you take a joke?”
They’ll say something mean or belittling and then when you react, they’ll play it off with “Can’t you take a joke?”
This is a way of deflecting criticism and avoiding responsibility for their words. By making it seem like you’re overreacting to a ‘joke’, they manage to make you feel like you’re the problem, not them.
This kind of behavior can leave you feeling confused, hurt, and wondering if you’re too sensitive. But remember, if a ‘joke’ hurts your feelings, it’s not a joke. It’s just mean.
7) “You’re overreacting”
This statement is a classic way of trivializing genuine emotions and responses. It’s a method toxic partners use to shift the blame, making you question the validity of your reactions and feelings.
For example, after a heated argument about something that genuinely upset me, my partner would dismiss my feelings with a wave of their hand and the phrase, “You’re overreacting”. This left me feeling small, invalidated, and as if my emotions were not important.
In these situations, it’s crucial to remember that your feelings are valid and justified. Don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise.
As Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, once put it, “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.” Don’t let others bury your emotions; be brave and express them.
8) “Why can’t you be more like…?”
They might casually drop in phrases like, “Why can’t you be more like…?” This could be referring to anyone from an ex-partner, a friend, a colleague, or even a celebrity.
This statement is designed to make you feel inadequate and insecure, to make you strive for an unreachable standard. It’s not about encouraging you to improve, but about making you feel less than them.
Everyone is unique and it’s unfair to compare one person’s strengths to another person’s weaknesses. We all have our own journey and pace.
Embrace your individuality, learn at your own pace, and don’t let anyone else set the standard for your growth.
Final thoughts: It’s about self-awareness
The phrases we’ve covered, which toxic partners often use as “constructive criticism”, can be subtle and manipulative, leaving you questioning your worth and emotions.
However, the key to dealing with these situations is self-awareness and recognizing these disguised toxic comments for what they truly are.
When we identify these phrases and understand the intent behind them, we’re better equipped to stand up for ourselves and maintain our emotional health.
In my book, “Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego”, I delve deeper into the concept of self-awareness and how it can empower us to navigate life with resilience.
It’s not about being immune to criticism but about discerning whether the criticism is constructive or just a disguise for mean comments.
Use these experiences as an opportunity to grow and cultivate a stronger sense of self-awareness.
You’re worthy and deserving of respect. Don’t let anyone make you believe otherwise.
