Love shapes us in ways we don’t always realize. When we grow up without enough of it—without feeling truly seen, valued, or supported—it leaves a mark. And often, that mark shows up later in our relationships.
Instead of building healthy connections, we might push people away, doubt their intentions, or sabotage things before they even have a chance to grow. Not because we want to—but because it’s what we’ve learned to do to protect ourselves.
The good news? Once we recognize these patterns, we can start to change them. Here are seven self-sabotaging habits that people who lacked love growing up often develop in relationships—so you can catch them before they hold you back.
1) Pushing people away before they get too close
For some, love feels safe and natural. But for those who grew up without much of it, love can feel unpredictable—even dangerous.
When you’ve learned that closeness often leads to pain, your instinct might be to push people away before they have a chance to hurt you. You might distance yourself emotionally, find flaws in others to justify leaving, or shut down the moment things start feeling real.
It’s a defense mechanism, and it makes sense. But over time, it can leave you feeling lonely and disconnected from the very thing you want most—genuine connection.
Recognizing when you’re doing this is the first step toward breaking the cycle. Because not everyone is going to leave or hurt you—some people truly want to stay.
2) Doubting people’s feelings for me
For the longest time, I struggled to believe that people truly cared about me. Even when someone showed me love, there was always this little voice in my head whispering, “They don’t really mean it. They’ll leave eventually.”
I remember dating someone who was kind, patient, and consistent. But instead of enjoying the relationship, I kept searching for signs that they were losing interest.
If they took longer than usual to text back, I assumed they were pulling away. If they complimented me, I questioned whether they were just saying what I wanted to hear.
Eventually, all my doubts and second-guessing wore me down—and pushed them away. Not because they didn’t care, but because my own insecurities wouldn’t let me believe that they did.
When you grow up without much love, it’s easy to assume love is always temporary or conditional. But learning to trust that people’s feelings are real—not just something they’ll take back later—can change everything.
3) Feeling uncomfortable with healthy love
When you grow up in an environment where love is inconsistent, conditional, or absent altogether, chaos can start to feel normal. And when chaos is normal, stability can feel… strange.
In relationships, this often means gravitating toward unhealthy dynamics simply because they feel familiar.
Studies show that people who experience unpredictable or neglectful caregiving in childhood are more likely to develop insecure attachment styles, making them drawn to relationships that mirror that same instability.
So when someone comes along and offers steady, healthy love—without games, without conditions—it can feel suspicious. Maybe even boring. Instead of embracing it, you might question their motives or find yourself losing interest.
But in reality, it’s not that something is missing—it’s just that stability takes time to feel safe when you’ve never had much of it before.
4) Self-sabotaging when things are going well
When you’re used to love being unpredictable or short-lived, happiness can feel like a setup for disappointment. Instead of fully enjoying a good relationship, you might find yourself waiting for something to go wrong—or worse, unconsciously creating problems yourself.
This can show up in different ways: picking fights over small things, pushing your partner away for no real reason, or convincing yourself they’ll leave even when there’s no sign of it. Sometimes, it’s easier to be the one who ruins things than to wait for them to fall apart on their own.
But this habit doesn’t protect you—it just keeps you stuck in a cycle where love always ends before it has a real chance. Learning to sit with happiness, without sabotaging it out of fear, is one of the hardest but most important steps toward breaking free from the past.
5) Struggling to ask for what I need
For a long time, I believed that needing something from someone else was a weakness. If I was upset, I’d keep it to myself. If I felt hurt, I’d brush it off. If I needed reassurance, I’d wait for them to offer it instead of asking.
Deep down, I think I was afraid that if I voiced my needs, I’d be seen as too much—or worse, that they wouldn’t care enough to meet them. Growing up without much love teaches you to be self-sufficient, but sometimes that independence turns into isolation.
The truth is, no healthy relationship can thrive without open communication. People aren’t mind readers, and love isn’t about proving how little you need—it’s about allowing yourself to be seen and supported. Learning to ask for what you need isn’t selfish. It’s how real connection happens.
6) Feeling unworthy of love
When you grow up without much love, it’s easy to internalize the idea that maybe you just don’t deserve it. Maybe you weren’t lovable enough then, and maybe you aren’t lovable enough now.
This belief can shape the way you show up in relationships.
You might settle for less than you deserve, tolerate mistreatment, or stay in situations that make you unhappy—because deep down, you don’t believe you’re worthy of anything better. Or, you might reject love altogether, convinced that anyone who truly gets to know you will eventually realize you’re not enough.
But love isn’t something you have to earn by being perfect or proving your worth. It’s something every person deserves—including you. The challenge is not just finding love, but believing in your heart that you’re worthy of receiving it.
7) Mistaking emotional hunger for love
When you’ve gone most of your life without love, the first person who offers it can feel like oxygen. Intense, overwhelming, all-consuming. But sometimes, that’s not love—it’s emotional hunger.
Emotional hunger feels urgent. It makes you latch onto people quickly, overlook red flags, and mistake intensity for connection. Instead of building something steady and secure, you might chase relationships that feel like a rollercoaster—because the highs are so intoxicating, and the lows feel like withdrawal.
Real love, on the other hand, isn’t about filling an emptiness inside you. It’s about two whole people choosing each other—not out of desperation, but out of genuine care and connection. And when you learn the difference, everything changes.
Bottom line: love is a learned experience
Love isn’t just something we feel—it’s something we learn. And when love was scarce growing up, we often carry unspoken lessons into adulthood: that closeness is dangerous, that affection is temporary, that we have to earn what should be freely given.
Psychologists have long studied the effects of early attachment on adult relationships. Research by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth laid the foundation for understanding how childhood experiences shape the way we connect with others.
When our earliest relationships lacked warmth or consistency, it’s no surprise that love feels complicated later in life.
But here’s the thing—patterns aren’t destiny. Just because love didn’t come easily before doesn’t mean it never will. Healing happens in small moments: in trusting a little more, in choosing differently, in allowing ourselves to be loved without fear.
Because love isn’t just something we receive—it’s something we can relearn.
