When your kids are young, they hang on to every word you say. They look up to you, seeing you as their hero. It’s a cherished time, one that you don’t want to end.
However, as they grow older, some phrases we often use could make them lose respect for us and eventually stop looking up to us.
This isn’t just about how we communicate; it’s about who we are as people and the kind of role models we aspire to be. It’s about authentic growth and self-awareness.
In order to ensure that your children continue to look up to you as they mature, there are 8 phrases you might want to reconsider using. Let’s delve into them.
1) “Because I said so”
This phrase is a classic one, almost a rite of passage for many parents.
But have you ever paused to consider its impact? Telling your child to do something “because you said so” undermines their ability to understand the why behind your directives.
It shuts down open dialogue and discourages them from asking questions, something integral to their growth and development.
Instead, it’s much more beneficial to provide explanations and encourage curiosity. This not only aids their understanding but also fosters a sense of respect and trust between you.
Remember, your words and actions are your brand in their eyes. If you inspire understanding rather than enforcing blind obedience, they’re more likely to look up to you as they grow older.
2) “I’m busy”
We’re all guilty of this one, I know I am.
I remember this one time, my daughter came up to me excitedly wanting to show me her latest drawing. I was in the middle of a work email and without thinking, I said, “Not now sweetie, I’m busy.”
The look of disappointment on her face was hard to forget. She left the room silently and it hit me.
In her eyes, my work email was more important than her. Right then, I realized that continually saying “I’m busy” can send a message that they’re not a priority.
Of course, we all have our responsibilities and sometimes we are truly busy. But it’s crucial to communicate this in a way that doesn’t make them feel less significant.
A simple change in wording can make all the difference. Instead of “I’m busy”, try saying “Can we do this in 10 minutes? I really want to give your drawing the attention it deserves.”
It’s about showing them that they’re important and valued, even amidst our adult responsibilities.
3) “You’re just like your [parent/sibling]”
When we compare our kids to others, especially family members, it can have a lasting impact.
Psychologists have found that children who are frequently compared to their siblings often develop feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. The same applies when we compare them to us, their parents.
Every child is unique and deserves to be appreciated for their individuality. Instead of drawing comparisons, we should celebrate their distinct traits and abilities.
This fosters a sense of self-worth and helps them embrace their individuality, which is crucial for their personal growth and development.
4) “You always…” or “You never…”
These absolute statements can be quite detrimental.
When we use phrases like “You always forget to do your homework” or “You never clean your room”, we are essentially boxing our children into a negative narrative. This can lead to them internalizing these labels and believing that’s all they are capable of.
Instead, it’s more effective to address the specific behavior and express how it makes you feel. For instance, say “I noticed you didn’t do your homework yesterday, it’s important because…” or “I feel stressed when your room is messy.”
By focusing on the behavior rather than the child, we communicate that it’s the action we’re not happy with, not them as a person. This encourages them to improve their behavior without damaging their self-esteem.
5) “Don’t cry”
I’ve found myself saying this more times than I care to admit. It seemed harmless, a way to pacify my upset child.
But over time, I realized the message I was inadvertently sending. Telling them “don’t cry” was essentially telling them to suppress their feelings.
Emotions are a normal part of our human experience and our children must understand that. So now, when my child is upset, instead of saying “Don’t cry”, I say “It’s okay to feel upset. Let’s talk about what’s bothering you.”
By acknowledging their emotions instead of dismissing them, we’re teaching our children emotional intelligence and validating their feelings. This is a crucial step in helping them grow into emotionally mature individuals.
6) “Good job”
This might seem a bit surprising. After all, what’s wrong with praising your child?
The issue isn’t with praising them, but with how we do it. When we constantly say “good job” for every little thing they do, it loses its meaning. Moreover, it focuses on the outcome rather than the effort.
Instead of generic praise, try to be more specific and acknowledge the effort they put in. Say things like “I can see you worked really hard on this” or “I’m proud of how persistent you were.”
This way, we’re promoting a growth mindset – reinforcing the idea that effort and persistence are just as important, if not more so, than the end result.
7) “Wait until your mom/dad gets home”
This phrase is often used as a threat, implying that the other parent is the disciplinarian. But what it really does is undermine your authority and create an imbalance in your child’s perception of their parents.
It’s essential to present a united front with your co-parent. If there’s a matter that needs addressing, handle it promptly and firmly yourself instead of passing it off to the other parent.
This not only ensures consistency in your child’s discipline but also helps foster a balanced view of both parents. It shows your child that both parents are equally invested in their upbringing and are working together as a team.
8) “I’m disappointed in you”
This might be the most critical phrase to avoid.
When we express disappointment in our children, we risk them internalizing this negativity. They may start to believe that they are disappointing, which can severely impact their self-esteem.
Instead, be clear that it’s not them, but their action or behavior that disappointed you. Say “I’m disappointed in your choice” or “Your actions were not okay.”
This way, you’re separating the deed from the doer, reinforcing the idea that while they made a poor choice, it doesn’t diminish their worth or your love for them.
Reflecting on your words
If you’ve made it this far, hopefully, you’re realizing the immense power our words hold.
The phrases we use with our children aren’t just about communication. They shape their worldview, self-esteem, and the relationship they share with us.
Remember, our children don’t see us as just parents. To them, we’re superheroes, role models, and their primary source of learning about the world.
So let’s ensure the reflection they see is one of love, respect, and understanding. Let’s be more mindful of our words because they are molding our children’s future.
After all, if we want our children to look up to us as they get older, it starts with saying goodbye to these 8 phrases.
