I remember a day a few years ago when I caught myself feeling anxious about something as trivial as driving to a friend’s house for a weekend gathering. It wasn’t about the traffic or even the possibility of getting lost; I just couldn’t shake the feeling of being on edge.
Later, I realized this constant state of worry had been my baseline for much longer than I liked to admit.
If you can relate—if everyday situations seem harder, if a simple knock on the door makes your heart race—chances are you might have been operating on “survival” mode for quite some time.
Sometimes, we get so used to bracing ourselves that we forget how it feels to truly exhale.
Below are eight behaviors I’ve noticed in people who’ve lived in long-term stress and are ready to move toward a sense of safety, yet they don’t quite know how.
1. They keep everyone at arm’s length
When you’ve been in a heightened state for a long time, trusting others becomes challenging.
For me, I’d often shrug off sincere offers of help because I assumed they came with strings attached. Some friends described it as me “keeping my walls up,” which sounded dramatic at first—but it was spot on.
People stuck in this mode frequently believe they need to rely on themselves alone to stay safe.
They might avoid asking for support even when they need it most. If this resonates with you, try asking a friend for something small, like a phone call or a movie recommendation, and notice how it feels to let someone in—even just a little.
2. They over plan to avoid the unknown
I used to map out every aspect of my day—from my morning smoothie ingredients to my post-work gym schedule—just so I wouldn’t be caught off guard.
A spontaneous lunch invitation? I’d feel an inexplicable surge of panic.
Overplanning can be a coping mechanism: the more you control, the less uncertainty you face.
That urge to control every detail often masks a deeper sense of fear about what might happen if something goes “wrong.”
But life rarely follows a script.
Adam Grant once wrote about how flexibility can foster resilience, and I’ve found that loosening my iron grip on schedules gave me room to breathe. Next time you catch yourself overplanning, challenge yourself to leave a bit of open space on your calendar.
3. They second-guess every small decision
Have you ever stared at a menu and found it nearly impossible to decide between two dishes?
I’ve definitely been there, overthinking something as minor as my lunch choice.
When you’re used to feeling unsafe, every decision can seem monumental. You’re terrified one misstep will lead to criticism or disaster.
This hyper-vigilance drains your mental energy.
By the end of the day, you might feel exhausted simply because you spent so much effort weighing every option.
Brené Brown reminds us that courage starts with the willingness to be imperfect. So if you’re stuck in a swirl of second-guessing, remind yourself that it’s okay to choose—and that mistakes are a natural part of growth.
4. They avoid conflict at all costs
Not too long ago, I found myself nodding along with someone even though I disagreed with them on a pretty important issue.
Looking back, I realized I didn’t want to risk an argument because I felt emotionally depleted. People who’ve endured prolonged stress tend to dodge conflicts—any level of tension can be overwhelming.
Avoiding conflict sometimes feels like you’re keeping the peace, but it can also rob you of the opportunity to address real problems.
If you never speak up, your unvoiced concerns can bubble into resentment.
Try practicing constructive dialogue in low-stakes situations, like gently sharing a differing opinion about a movie or a restaurant choice. It’s a small but meaningful step in learning to handle bigger conflicts down the road.
5. They struggle to celebrate good news
When life’s been tough, good news can be confusing.
I remember getting positive feedback on a project and feeling a weird sense of dread.
Part of me was waiting for “the other shoe to drop.” It’s almost like a reflex: if something good happens, something bad must be around the corner.
Celebration becomes difficult when you’re used to disappointment.
You might downplay victories or brush off compliments.
Over time, this can rob you of joy and the motivational boost that comes from recognizing your achievements.
If you notice you struggle to receive praise, try writing down a single line about what you did well each day. Let yourself take in that moment of satisfaction, even if it feels foreign at first.
6. They can’t sleep without distraction
There was a period in my life when I couldn’t fall asleep unless the TV was on. Silence felt eerie.
My mind would race through worst-case scenarios—my finances, my relationships, even global events.
For those stuck in a vigilance state, bedtime isn’t restful. It’s another chance for unchecked worries to surface.
Sometimes, the TV or a podcast becomes a lullaby, a way to drown out anxious thoughts.
While a little background noise can be comforting, it can also mask deeper unease that needs attention.
Consider trying a calming bedtime routine—journaling, reading, or a short meditation app. Even if silence is uncomfortable initially, you might discover that addressing your worries directly is more soothing than burying them with endless audio.
7. They apologize for everything
I have a friend who used to say “sorry” even when she sneezed.
She’d apologize for the weather, for leaving her water bottle on the table, and for things clearly out of her control. If you’ve been living on high alert, you might assume any inconvenience is your fault.
This constant apologizing stems from a fear of upsetting people or attracting criticism.
Over time, it diminishes your confidence.
Harvard Business Review has articles discussing how over-apologizing can undermine one’s leadership presence, but on a personal level, it also chips away at your self-worth.
The next time you say “sorry,” pause and ask yourself: Did I actually do anything wrong? If not, try a different phrase, like “Thank you for understanding” or “Excuse me.”
8. They find comfort in self-isolation
For a while, I believed that retreating into my own space was the best way to cope with the world’s unpredictability.
And yes, solitude can be restorative when done intentionally. But when it becomes a shield to avoid meaningful interactions, it might be a sign of chronic stress.
If you find yourself declining every social invitation—even the ones you used to enjoy—take a moment to ask why.
Are you genuinely tired, or are you trying to avoid potential discomfort?
Simon Sinek suggests that connection is key to building resilience, and sometimes, having even one supportive friend or community to lean on can help break the cycle of isolation.
If you can, reach out to a trusted person—even if you just meet up for coffee.
Final thoughts
When you’ve been in a state of prolonged stress, every day can feel like navigating a storm without an umbrella.
Your guard stays up, your decisions feel fraught, and celebrating life’s bright spots becomes surprisingly tricky.
The encouraging news is that patterns formed in self-protection mode can be recognized and reshaped. It all starts with awareness—understanding what behaviors you’ve normalized and deciding to explore healthier alternatives.
Personally, I’m still unlearning some of these habits. It’s not a quick fix, but every small effort builds resilience. If you’re looking for a place to start, try choosing one of the behaviors above that resonates with you.
Do something differently—allow a friend to help, embrace a bit of spontaneity, or share an honest opinion. Small changes like these can pave the path toward a renewed sense of safety.
After all, you deserve to feel comfortable in your own skin and in your own life.
