Maintaining a strong, respectful relationship with your grown-up children can be one of the most rewarding aspects of parenthood.
But as your children mature into adults, the dynamics of that relationship inevitably change, and what once worked may no longer be as effective.
I’ve seen how easy it can be to fall into old habits when interacting with adult children—habits formed over years of parenting. Holding on to certain behaviors can be counterproductive, sometimes even straining the bond you share.
Today, we’re going to talk about seven such behaviors that may unknowingly undermine the respect you wish to maintain with your adult children.
Letting go of these habits can be a powerful step toward fostering a stronger, more balanced connection.
Let’s get started.
1) Overstepping boundaries
When your children are growing up, it’s natural to be involved in every aspect of their lives.
However, as they mature into adults, it’s crucial to recognize that they now have their own private matters, and we should not overstep.
As parent coach and psychologist Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein stated in a recent Psychology Today post, “Respecting the boundaries and autonomy of adult children is essential for fostering mutual respect and trust. ”
Yes, it may be tough as a parent to take a step back. But remember, your grown-up children are capable adults who can make their own choices.
Respecting their privacy and autonomy is not only a sign of your trust in them but also a sure-fire way to retain their respect for you.
2) Being dismissive
I’ve learned this one from personal experience.
When my daughter first started her career, she would often share her experiences and challenges with me. I, with my years of experience, would often dismiss her concerns as ‘typical newbie struggles’, assuring her that things would get easier with time.
However, I soon realized that my dismissive attitude was not helping. Instead, it was causing her to feel unheard and belittled. My intentions were good – I wanted to reassure her.
But what she really needed was someone to validate her feelings and listen to her concerns.
That’s when I understood the importance of truly listening and not being dismissive of their feelings or experiences, no matter how trivial they may seem to us. It’s about respecting their feelings and offering support when they need it.
3) Resisting change
Have you ever found yourself saying, “I miss the days when you were little,” or struggling to embrace the way your relationship has evolved?
It’s completely normal to reminisce about those earlier days. After all, there’s a comfort in remembering your children as they once were—small, in need of guidance, and looking to you for answers.
However, one of the most important things to recognize is that they are no longer kids; they are adults with their own ideas, values, and paths.
Instead of longing for who they were, try to embrace who they are becoming. This acceptance not only shows respect for their journey but also opens the door for a deeper, more authentic connection.
By recognizing and welcoming the person they are today, you show that you’re willing to grow alongside them—and that is something that earns respect.
4) Constant criticism
As parents, we often have a tendency to point out what our children could do better. While constructive feedback is essential for growth, constant criticism can be damaging.
Your grown-up children need to know that you believe in their abilities and support them. They need your encouragement more than your critique.
Consistent criticism can lead to feelings of inadequacy and can strain your relationship with your adult children. It’s important to balance constructive feedback with positive reinforcement.
5) Holding onto past mistakes
No one is perfect, and your children are no exception. They are bound to make mistakes as they navigate through life.
When they do, it’s important to guide them, forgive them, and, most importantly, not hold their past errors against them.
Holding onto past mistakes can create a barrier in your relationship. It can prevent trust from being rebuilt and respect from being maintained.
As put by marriage and family therapist, Andrea Brandt, “Forgiveness is letting go of a grievance or judgment that you hold against someone else—or yourself. Without it, the original wounding event can continue to tie up your attention and keep you bound to the past.”
If holding onto past mistakes is something you’re doing, it’s time to say goodbye to this behavior.
Your children are growing and learning just like you. Let’s allow each other the space to learn from our mistakes and move forward.
6) Unnecessary comparison
I remember when my two kids were growing up, I would often compare their achievements, thinking it would motivate them. “Look at your sister, she’s doing so well in her studies,” or “Your brother got a promotion, you should work hard too.”
What I didn’t realize back then was that these comparisons were doing more harm than good. They were creating unnecessary rivalry and making my children feel like they were in constant competition with each other.
Comparing your grown-up children with others can cause feelings of inadequacy and resentment. Each child is unique and should be celebrated for their individual strengths and achievements.
7) Neglecting to show love
No matter how old your children get, they never outgrow the need for love. Love is the basic foundation of any relationship, and the parent-child bond is no exception.
Expressing love doesn’t always have to be grand gestures. It can be as simple as a heartfelt conversation, a supportive text message, or just spending quality time together.
It’s the simplest yet most powerful way to maintain the respect of your grown-up children.
Final thoughts
It’s not always easy to step back and reassess how we interact with our adult children, especially when the habits formed over a lifetime come so naturally.
However, the rewards of a strong, supportive relationship with your grown-up kids are well worth the effort. By making small, conscious changes, you’ll not only maintain their respect but also deepen the bond that connects you as they navigate adulthood.
So take a deep breath, let go of the old habits, and open up to a new chapter with your grown-up children. You’ll find it’s a journey of growth for both of you.
