I used to think narcissists were easy to spot—the flashy egos, constant need for praise, larger-than-life personalities.
But then I encountered a different kind: the covert narcissist. They don’t shout their narcissism from the rooftops. Instead, they quietly weave it into their actions, leaving you second-guessing and questioning yourself.
The thing is, even the most subtle behaviors leave clues.
A stray comment, a carefully timed compliment, or an unnerving moment of manipulation—these are the tells. Once you know what to look for, the patterns become clear.
Let’s unpack ten signs that someone might be a covert narcissist, even if they’ve convinced you otherwise.
1) They’re masters of deflection
Covert narcissists are skilled at diverting attention away from their flaws. It’s a subtle art, and they’re pros at it.
When confronted with their mistakes or shortcomings, a covert narcissist will quickly shift the conversation, turning the focus onto someone else’s faults. They may casually brush off criticism or redirect it back to you.
It’s like a game of smoke and mirrors – they’re always looking to keep you off-balance. So if you find that someone consistently evades accountability, it might be a sign they’re a covert narcissist.
2) They have a knack for ‘gaslighting’
One thing I’ve learned from personal experience is the insidious tactic of ‘gaslighting‘. This is a form of psychological manipulation where the narcissist makes you question your own sanity.
I remember my ex-partner, who was a covert narcissist, always used to twist the facts.
If I ever brought up something they did that hurt me, they would deny it ever happened or claim I was overreacting. Over time, this constant questioning of my reality left me feeling confused and doubting my own memory.
If you find yourself often questioning your own recollection of events after interacting with someone, it might be a red flag that you’re dealing with a covert narcissist.
It’s a subtle but dangerous sign, one that can have a significant impact on your mental health.
3) They’re often passive-aggressive
Covert narcissists might not openly show their hostility, but they have a unique way of expressing it: passive-aggression.
They use indirect actions to express their discontent or anger, instead of confronting the issue head-on.
For instance, they might give you the silent treatment, make sarcastic remarks, or intentionally make mistakes that affect you. It’s their way of expressing negative feelings without taking responsibility for them.
Interestingly, psychologists have found that individuals who often use passive-aggressive tactics are likely to have narcissistic tendencies. So, if you notice someone regularly resorting to this behavior, it could be a sign of covert narcissism.
4) They seem overly sensitive to criticism
Covert narcissists have an inflated sense of self-worth, hidden beneath a facade of modesty.
This inflated ego, however, is fragile and can shatter at the slightest hint of criticism.
Even the most constructive feedback can be perceived as a personal attack to them. They may react with defensiveness, denial, or even outright hostility when their perceived perfection is threatened.
If you’ve noticed that someone reacts excessively or negatively to even the most minor criticism, this could be a sign that they are a covert narcissist.
It’s crucial to keep in mind that healthy relationships involve open communication and the ability to accept feedback, so this kind of reaction is a red flag.
5) They always play the victim
When things go wrong, a covert narcissist is rarely to blame, at least in their own eyes. They have a knack for playing the victim, painting themselves as the misunderstood hero or the unfairly treated martyr.
They use this tactic to gain sympathy and manipulate others into supporting their perspective. It’s a crafty way of avoiding accountability and keeping the focus on themselves.
So if you encounter someone who always seems to be the victim, no matter the situation, take note. It could be an indication that you’re dealing with a covert narcissist.
6) They lack empathy
One of the most heart-wrenching signs of a covert narcissist is their lack of empathy. They struggle to understand or relate to other people’s feelings.
Love and compassion, which form the bedrock of meaningful relationships, often seem absent in their interactions.
You might share a painful experience or express your feelings, only to be met with indifference, dismissal, or even mockery. It’s like your emotions are invisible to them.
This lack of empathy can leave you feeling isolated and misunderstood. So if you notice someone consistently showing a disregard for your feelings or the feelings of others, it could be a sign of covert narcissism.
7) They are intensely envious
Envy can consume a covert narcissist.
They often feel threatened by the success or happiness of others, seeing it as a direct attack on their own superiority.
I remember a friend who could never genuinely celebrate my achievements. Whenever I shared good news, she would either downplay it or quickly steer the conversation back to her own accomplishments.
It was as if my success took something away from her.
If someone can’t be happy for you, always tries to one-up you, or seems to resent your achievements, it might be a sign they’re a covert narcissist. True friends and loved ones should be able to celebrate your victories with you, not despite them.
8) They’re surprisingly insecure
You might imagine that narcissists are full of self-confidence, but often, the reality is quite the opposite. Covert narcissists, in particular, can be plagued by insecurity.
Underneath their facade of superiority lies a deep-seated fear of not being good enough. They’re constantly seeking validation and reassurance to quell their self-doubt.
So, if you notice someone who seems overly concerned with others’ opinions or who needs constant praise to feel valuable, it might be a sign they’re a covert narcissist.
It’s a strange paradox: the inflated ego, coupled with profound insecurity.
9) They have a sense of entitlement
Covert narcissists often feel that they are inherently deserving of special treatment.
They believe that they are unique and superior, and therefore, the world should cater to their wants and needs.
This sense of entitlement can manifest in various ways. They might expect preferential treatment at work, demand constant attention from their friends, or believe they are exempt from the rules that apply to everyone else.
So if you notice someone who consistently acts as if they are above others or expects special treatment without merit, it could be a sign of covert narcissism.
This sense of entitlement often leads to unrealistic expectations and strained relationships.
10) They manipulate emotions for personal gain
Manipulation is the covert narcissist’s forte.
They have a knack for playing with people’s emotions to serve their own needs.
This could involve guilt-tripping, making you feel special before abruptly withdrawing, or even using your weaknesses against you.
The most vital thing to remember is that emotional manipulation is never okay. If you feel like someone is consistently using your emotions to control or exploit you, it’s a strong sign of covert narcissism.
Final thoughts
Recognizing a covert narcissist feels like solving a puzzle you didn’t know you were building.
The pieces—the deflection, the passive-aggression, the quiet manipulation—seem random at first. But once they start fitting together, the picture is undeniable.
Covert narcissists thrive in confusion, but knowledge is clarity. The more you understand, the less power they hold.
So take this awareness with you. Use it to navigate relationships with confidence and compassion—for yourself and others.
