I used to think self-esteem was something you either had or didn’t—like a talent or a personality trait.
But over time, I’ve realized it’s more like a garden. What you nurture grows, and what you neglect? Well, that starts to wither.
The tricky part is that some of the habits we think are harmless—avoiding risks, brushing off compliments, or chasing perfection—can quietly work against us.
They’re the weeds we don’t notice until they’ve taken over, leaving us wondering why we feel less confident than we should.
Let’s take a closer look at ten sneaky habits that might be draining your self-esteem and see what we can do to start tending to it again.
1) Negative self-talk
We all have a running commentary in our minds.
This internal dialogue can be a powerful tool for self-improvement, but it can also be a major source of self-doubt and criticism.
Negative self-talk is when we constantly tell ourselves that we’re not good enough, smart enough, or capable enough. This is a habit that can slowly erode our self-esteem over time.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of negative self-talk, especially when we’re faced with challenges or setbacks. But it’s important to remember that our thoughts are not always reality.
Challenging negative self-talk and practicing more positive affirmations can be a significant step towards building a healthier self-esteem. But remember, the key is consistency.
2) Constant comparison
I’ve often found myself falling into the comparison trap.
With social media showcasing the best parts of everyone’s lives, it’s easy to feel inadequate when we compare our behind-the-scenes with someone else’s highlight reel.
For example, I remember scrolling through my Instagram feed one day and feeling envious of a friend who had just bought a new house. I began questioning my own achievements and felt a dip in my self-esteem.
What I had to remind myself was that everyone’s journey is different. I didn’t see the sacrifices, the struggles, or the hard work that went into my friend’s achievement.
Comparing my path to hers wasn’t fair to either of us.
This constant comparison is a silent self-esteem killer. It’s important to recognize this habit and make an effort to focus on our unique journeys and celebrate our personal victories instead.
3) Perfectionism
Perfectionism can be a double-edged sword.
While it can drive us to achieve high standards, it can also lead us to harsh self-criticism when we fail to meet those expectations.
Interestingly, a recent study has found a correlation between perfectionism and lower self-esteem. Those who held unrealistically high standards for themselves and feared making mistakes were more likely to have lower self-esteem.
This habit of striving for perfection and fearing failure can quietly chip away at our self-esteem, leaving us feeling constantly unsatisfied and inadequate.
It’s important to learn to embrace our imperfections and see mistakes as opportunities for growth, rather than as a reflection of our worth.
4) Neglecting self-care
In our busy lives, it’s easy to put ourselves last and neglect our own needs.
We might skip meals, skimp on sleep, or ignore our emotional health in order to meet deadlines or fulfill responsibilities.
However, consistently neglecting self-care can have a detrimental impact on our self-esteem. If we’re not taking care of ourselves physically, emotionally, and mentally, it sends a subconscious message that we’re not worth the time or effort.
Making time for self-care, whether that’s a relaxing bath, a nourishing meal, or simply some quiet time alone, can significantly improve our self-esteem. It’s a reminder to ourselves that we are important and deserving of care.
5) Not setting boundaries
Setting boundaries is crucial for maintaining our self-esteem.
When we continually allow others to cross our boundaries, we’re silently telling ourselves that our needs, feelings, and opinions are not important.
It might be difficult to say ‘no’ or express our discomfort in certain situations, but it’s necessary for preserving our self-worth.
Each time we stand up for ourselves and enforce our boundaries, we’re reinforcing the belief that we are valuable and deserving of respect.
Over time, not setting boundaries can lead to feeling undervalued and disrespected, which can seriously damage our self-esteem. Therefore, learning to set and enforce healthy boundaries is a vital habit for maintaining high self-esteem.
6) Ignoring accomplishments
Sometimes, we can be our own harshest critics. We might focus on our mistakes and overlook our accomplishments, no matter how big or small they might be.
I’ve seen this in people around me. They’d achieve something great, but instead of celebrating, they’d downplay their success or immediately move on to the next task.
This habit can gradually wear down self-esteem, making them feel like they’re never doing enough.
It’s so important to pause and acknowledge our achievements. Celebrating our successes helps us recognize our abilities and boosts our confidence. We have to give ourselves the credit we deserve. After all, we’ve worked hard for these accomplishments.
So next time you achieve something, take a moment to truly appreciate your effort and success. This simple habit can significantly bolster your self-esteem over time.
7) Avoiding risks
I used to be someone who always chose the safe path, avoiding any form of risk.
This was mainly because I was afraid of failure and the potential embarrassment that came along with it.
But over time, I realized that by avoiding risks, I was also avoiding opportunities for growth and success. This habit was stunting my personal development and negatively impacting my self-esteem.
Taking calculated risks can initially be scary, but it’s often these experiences that push us out of our comfort zone and help us grow.
With each risk we take, we learn more about ourselves, our capabilities, and our resilience, which in turn boosts our self-esteem.
So don’t shy away from taking risks. Embrace them as opportunities for growth and watch your self-esteem flourish.
8) Seeking constant approval
It might seem like receiving approval from others would boost our self-esteem.
After all, who doesn’t enjoy being complimented or recognized for their efforts? But when we start to rely on others’ approval to feel good about ourselves, it becomes a problem.
This habit can quietly destroy our self-esteem because it places our self-worth in the hands of others. We start to measure our value based on what others think of us, rather than recognizing our own worth.
Learning to be content with our actions and decisions, without constantly seeking validation from others, can significantly strengthen our self-esteem.
This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t value feedback or recognition, but rather, we should not let them define our worth.
9) Dwelling on past mistakes
We all make mistakes. They are a necessary part of growth and learning.
However, dwelling on past mistakes can be a silent destroyer of self-esteem.
When we replay past errors in our minds, berating ourselves for not doing better, we’re essentially punishing ourselves for being human. This can lead to feelings of worthlessness and incompetence, which severely damage our self-esteem over time.
Everyone makes mistakes and they do not define us. Instead of dwelling on them, we should focus on the lessons learned and use them as stepping stones towards improvement.
This healthier perspective can help maintain and even boost our self-esteem.
10) Not believing in yourself
At the root of it all, the most damaging habit to our self-esteem is not believing in ourselves.
Doubting our capabilities and potential can have a significant impact on our self-esteem.
No matter how much validation we receive from others, if we don’t believe in ourselves, we’ll never feel truly confident or accomplished. This belief has to come from within.
Believing in ourselves means trusting our abilities, valuing our worth, and recognizing our potential. It’s about knowing that we are capable, deserving, and enough just as we are. This is the most important habit for building a strong, healthy self-esteem.
Final thoughts
Here’s the thing about self-esteem: it’s not a destination, and it’s definitely not static. It’s a living, breathing relationship with yourself—one that requires care, attention, and, most importantly, patience.
The habits we’ve unpacked—negative self-talk, constant comparison, or avoiding boundaries—aren’t there to shame you. They’re there to help you see what’s holding you back so you can step forward with intention.
Change doesn’t happen overnight. But every time you choose to speak kindly to yourself, take a risk, or set a boundary, you’re rebuilding the trust you have in yourself.
And trust? That’s the foundation of unshakeable self-esteem.
So here’s to pulling out the weeds, planting seeds of self-worth, and watching your confidence grow—one small step at a time.
