I still remember a conversation I had years ago with a close friend who was struggling to articulate why relationships always felt so unfulfilling. She would say things like, “I just don’t believe anyone truly cares,” or “I’m not even sure I know what real love looks like.”
At the time, her words struck me as both sad and deeply relatable. Many of us go through life experiencing shallow connections that never quite scratch beneath the surface. We might yearn for love but can’t recognize it when it appears, or we push it away out of fear.
Over the years, I’ve become fascinated with the psychology behind how individuals form—and fail to form—deep emotional bonds. In my coaching and personal life, I’ve seen patterns that point to a person’s limited experience with profound, soulful love.
Below, I’ll share seven signs I’ve observed, reinforced by psychological insights, that might suggest someone’s never truly experienced that life-altering, deeply nurturing form of love.
1. They show persistent distrust
When people haven’t known the safety of a genuine bond, they tend to see the world through a lens of skepticism.
I’ve met clients who scrutinize every friendly gesture, convinced there’s a hidden agenda. It can feel like they’re in a perpetual state of “waiting for the other shoe to drop,” even when nothing is amiss.
A lack of faith in the goodness of others usually stems from repeated disappointments or never having someone stand by them consistently. Instead of viewing new relationships as opportunities, they brace themselves for the worst.
Psychology Today once mentioned that trust issues often develop early, sometimes from unreliable caregivers or toxic relationships. This can affect adult bonds, making it difficult to let people in.
The tragedy here is that the constant vigilance keeps them from forming the very closeness they crave. Without trust, true intimacy remains elusive, and they may continue to reinforce their own belief that nobody is trustworthy.
2. They avoid vulnerability at all costs
Vulnerability can be terrifying for anyone, but those who haven’t experienced deep love see it as an even bigger threat.
Baring one’s soul—sharing fears, hopes, or insecurities—feels like handing over ammunition to be used against them later. I’ve noticed this in people who habitually keep conversations superficial, even with long-term friends. They steer clear of topics that could expose emotional wounds.
Brené Brown has talked extensively about vulnerability being the birthplace of love and belonging. According to her research, true connection only blossoms when we risk emotional exposure.
But for those who’ve never encountered a safe space to share themselves fully, the idea of being that open can seem downright impossible. Unfortunately, protecting oneself in this way leads to an emotional bubble, and no one can truly love what they’re not allowed to see.
3. They have idealized fantasies of love
I used to be guilty of this, especially in my early twenties. I’d create a perfect love story in my head, complete with sweeping romantic gestures and flawless emotional support. It was like I was chasing a cinematic dream, rather than a real, grounded relationship.
People who’ve never genuinely felt loved often cling to fantasies gleaned from movies or social media. They might say, “If it’s really love, it’ll be obvious immediately,” or “Love should always be passionate and exciting, right?”
But these expectations can be an escape from the messy, sometimes mundane reality of real commitment. Real love isn’t just grand gestures; it’s also washing dishes together after a long day or offering support when life is anything but glamorous.
When someone holds onto the fantasy too tightly, they miss the chance to appreciate the quiet, nurturing aspects of love that are far more meaningful in the long run.
4. They struggle with self-worth
A classic sign of not having felt real, unconditional love is an ongoing battle with self-worth.
If you grow up or spend many years feeling unseen, it’s easy to internalize the idea that you’re “not good enough” to be cherished. Individuals in this situation might become hypercritical of themselves, downplay their achievements, or even sabotage relationships before they can flourish.
I’ve seen this time and again in the world of sports coaching: talented athletes who never heard a single word of genuine praise at home found it impossible to believe compliments from teammates or fans. They interpreted encouragement as pity or polite politeness, rather than love.
According to Dr. Andrew Huberman’s work on neuroplasticity, our brains form deep grooves based on repeated experiences. If someone has repeatedly experienced criticism or neglect, their brain’s pathways may anchor them in negative self-beliefs, making it that much harder to trust the possibility of real affection.
5. They confuse obsession with affection
I once knew a colleague who thought constant texting, jealousy, and high drama were signs of how “into you” a partner was. She equated obsession with love because that was all she had ever witnessed in her immediate circle—volatile relationships that burned bright, then fizzled.
Some people mistake love for the emotional rollercoaster of obsession or infatuation because they’ve never witnessed the stable warmth of genuine care.
Healthy relationships have moments of excitement, of course, but they also involve mutual respect and emotional steadiness. Frenzied behavior and constant emotional highs and lows can sometimes mask the absence of real intimacy.
The drama can feel thrilling, but it’s not sustainable—and it certainly doesn’t nourish the soul. In true love, partners don’t need to be frantic to stay connected; they’re secure enough in the bond that constant fireworks aren’t necessary for validation.
6. They resist emotional dependence
You might call this the “I can handle everything by myself” mentality.
People who have not felt secure love often take pride in never asking for help or leaning on anyone else. It’s a defense mechanism, rooted in the belief that if you never let yourself rely on someone, you’ll never be let down.
I relate to this from my days as a competitive athlete, where self-reliance was considered a virtue. But in the domain of close relationships, that self-reliance can morph into stubborn isolation.
Emotional interdependence—the healthy give-and-take of two people supporting each other—is actually a cornerstone of strong bonds.
Yet, those who’ve never tasted real love may see dependency as a dangerous trap. Rather than revealing their needs, they bottle them up. The result is emotional walls that keep everyone at a distance and a life that feels perpetually lonely.
7. They hold rigid definitions of love
Finally, there’s the tendency to define love with rigid, narrow criteria. Maybe they say, “If my partner truly loves me, they’ll do X, Y, and Z exactly the way I imagine.”
There’s little room for different love languages, varied emotional expressions, or the imperfect but genuine attempts partners make to show they care. This rigidity often emerges from a place of insecurity; if they can set strict rules, they can more easily recognize (and reject) relationships that don’t meet those parameters.
But love is multifaceted and comes in countless shapes. As I’ve learned in my own relationships, the best connections evolve and surprise us.
When you’re open to someone’s unique way of loving, you might discover a warmth or devotion that far surpasses any tidy checklist. When you cling to a narrow standard, you risk overlooking truly special connections simply because they don’t look the way you expected.
Conclusion
I’ve seen people grow and transform after recognizing these patterns in themselves. Learning how to trust, open up, and embrace vulnerability is never easy—especially if you’ve been hurt or neglected in the past.
But stepping into the possibility of real love is one of the most powerful changes we can make. A deep, supportive connection gives us the space to flourish, to see ourselves reflected in someone else’s eyes with acceptance rather than judgment.
If you identify with any of these signs, please know you’re not doomed to live a life without genuine affection. Awareness is the first step, and from there, you can explore the tools, therapy, or personal development practices that help break old patterns. Real love is worth the effort it takes to get there.
The journey might be challenging, but the reward—a life enriched by true human connection—is immeasurable.
