Have you ever met someone who seems warm and friendly in public but turns cold and cutting when no one else is around? It’s confusing—and frustrating.
People like this can be hard to spot at first because they know exactly how to manage their image. They smile, they charm, they say all the right things—but behind closed doors, a different side comes out.
Understanding the subtle behaviors of these two-faced individuals can help you protect yourself and see through the act before it takes a toll on your confidence and peace of mind.
Here are eight behaviors that people like this tend to display.
1) They change depending on who’s around
Have you ever noticed how some people seem like two completely different individuals depending on who they’re with?
One moment, they’re all smiles, compliments, and warmth in front of others. The next, when no one else is around, their tone shifts—they’re dismissive, condescending, or even outright cruel.
This kind of behavior isn’t random. It’s calculated. People like this care deeply about how they’re perceived by others, so they put on a friendly act in public to maintain a good image. But when the audience is gone, so is the kindness.
Over time, the contrast becomes impossible to ignore. And once you see it for what it is, you can’t unsee it.
2) They make subtle, cutting remarks when no one else can hear
I once had a coworker who was the sweetest person in team meetings. She’d laugh at everyone’s jokes, give out compliments like candy, and always offer to help. Everyone loved her.
But when it was just the two of us, the tone changed. She’d say things like, “Wow, you’re brave for speaking up in that meeting. I wouldn’t have said that.” Or, “That report was… interesting. I mean, if that’s the style you’re going for.”
At first, I brushed it off as me being too sensitive. But over time, I realized it wasn’t just harmless commentary—it was deliberate. She never said things like that when others were around.
It was always in private, where there were no witnesses to call her out.
That’s the thing about people like this. Their words aren’t always openly cruel, but they’re designed to make you second-guess yourself—without anyone else noticing.
3) They use kindness as a tool, not a trait
Genuine kindness is consistent—it doesn’t change based on convenience or audience. But for people who are nice in public and mean in private, kindness isn’t a reflection of who they are. It’s a tool they use to their advantage.
Research has shown that many manipulative individuals, including those with narcissistic tendencies, can be highly charming when it benefits them.
They know how to make people like them, how to say the right things, and how to create the illusion of warmth. But that charm isn’t about connection—it’s about control.
That’s why their kindness often feels selective. They turn it on when there’s something to gain but have no problem withdrawing it when they think no one else is paying attention.
4) They dismiss your feelings but expect you to respect theirs
When they hurt you, it’s not a big deal. You’re being too sensitive. You’re overreacting.
But when the roles are reversed? Suddenly, every small inconvenience is a personal attack.
If you say something they don’t like, they’ll make sure you know it. If you ever call them out on their behavior, they’ll play the victim—acting as if you’re the one being unfair.
This imbalance is intentional. By minimizing your feelings while amplifying their own, they keep control of the dynamic.
It allows them to say or do hurtful things without consequence, while making sure you’re always walking on eggshells around them.
5) They act like the perfect friend when they need something
I used to know someone who would suddenly become extra friendly whenever they needed a favor. They’d check in, ask how I was doing, and go out of their way to be nice—until they got what they wanted.
Then, just as quickly, the warmth disappeared.
People like this don’t build real relationships; they build transactional ones. Their kindness isn’t freely given—it comes with strings attached. If they’re being especially sweet, chances are, there’s something in it for them.
Over time, I realized that the only way to truly see someone’s character is to pay attention to how they act when they don’t need anything from you. That’s when their true nature shows.
6) They’re overly generous in public
You’d think that someone who goes out of their way to be generous must be a genuinely good person. After all, they’re always offering to pay for meals, giving extravagant gifts, or making big, public gestures of kindness.
But sometimes, this generosity isn’t about kindness at all—it’s about image. They want to be seen as thoughtful and selfless, so they put on a show when others are watching.
The real test?
How they treat people when there’s no audience. If their generosity disappears behind closed doors—or worse, if they use it to make you feel indebted to them—then it was never really about giving. It was about control.
7) They make you question your own experiences
You bring up something hurtful they said, and suddenly, that’s not what happened. Or you try to express how their behavior makes you feel, and they insist, “I would never do that. You’re imagining things.”
Over time, this kind of response makes you doubt yourself. You start wondering if you are misinterpreting things, if maybe you’re being dramatic, if the problem is actually you.
This is a classic manipulation tactic. By rewriting reality, they make it harder for you to trust your own instincts—while making it easier for them to keep up their act.
And the longer it goes on, the harder it becomes to recognize what’s really happening.
8) They never take responsibility
No matter what they do, it’s never their fault. If they hurt you, you misunderstood. If they’re being cold, they’re just stressed. If you finally call them out, you’re the one making things difficult.
Apologies, if they happen at all, are empty and strategic—meant to smooth things over rather than acknowledge real harm. They don’t reflect, they don’t change, and they certainly don’t admit when they’re wrong.
Because at the end of the day, their goal isn’t to build real connections. It’s to maintain control over how they’re perceived—no matter the cost.
Why this kind of behavior is so damaging
If you’ve ever dealt with someone like this, you know how exhausting it can be. The constant shifts in behavior, the subtle put-downs, the way they make you question your own experiences—it all adds up.
And the worst part? It’s easy to start wondering if maybe you’re the problem. But you’re not.
Psychologists often talk about the effects of “covert aggression”—a form of manipulation where someone undermines others without being openly hostile.
Unlike outright bullying, it’s harder to call out because it’s hidden under layers of charm and subtlety. But over time, it can seriously impact your confidence and emotional well-being.
The good news? Once you recognize these behaviors for what they are, they lose their power. You stop second-guessing yourself, stop making excuses for them, and start setting boundaries that protect your peace.
Because at the end of the day, kindness isn’t about appearances—it’s about consistency. And real kindness exists just as much behind closed doors as it does in public.
