I used to believe I’d never say anything that could harm my kids emotionally. I pictured myself as the ever-patient parent who always knew the perfect way to respond.
Then real life happened. Sleepless nights, a career that demanded energy I didn’t have, and my own stress sometimes led to words I wish I could take back.
Funny how something that seems so minor at first can linger in a child’s mind for years.
Psychologists often remind us that children hang onto our words more than we realize. Even a small comment, said in passing, can shape how they view themselves and the world.
That might sound heavy, but it’s also a chance for us to become more intentional in how we communicate.
Below are seven common phrases we might not think twice about but can leave a surprising mark on our kids, according to insights from psychology and my own life experience.
1. “Stop crying, you’re fine!”
It’s natural to feel flustered when your child bursts into tears over something small, like a broken crayon or a dropped cookie.
I’ve been there, rushing to soothe them in the quickest way possible.
The words “Stop crying, you’re fine!” may slip out, meant to reassure—or to simply stem the meltdown before it spirals out of control.
But children often interpret this as a dismissal of their feelings.
According to the American Psychological Association (APA), acknowledging a child’s emotions is a critical step in helping them develop emotional resilience.
A gentler approach might be, “I see you’re upset. Let’s figure this out together.”
That way, you’re validating their experience and teaching them how to process tough emotions.
It’s a small shift that can make a big impact on their sense of safety and self-worth.
2. “You’re so smart!”
Praising your child as “smart” might feel like a big confidence boost, but research from psychologist Carol Dweck suggests it can unintentionally lead to a fixed mindset.
I remember saying it to my own child after she aced a spelling test. I wanted her to feel proud.
However, when she later struggled with a different subject, she hesitated to ask for help. She was worried she’d lose that “smart” label.
Overemphasizing inborn ability can keep kids from embracing new challenges.
A growth mindset approach, where you focus on their effort and determination, teaches them to see setbacks as opportunities to learn.
Saying “I’m proud of how much effort you put in” celebrates the process rather than the result.
Small adjustments like that can encourage resilience and foster a healthier self-image.
3. “You should be more like your sibling.”
Comparisons often slip out when we’re trying to motivate kids.
I’ve heard parents say it with the best intentions—maybe the sibling is more focused, or more disciplined.
Yet kids usually interpret these words as, “You’re not good enough.” Whenever I’ve seen siblings pitted against each other, there’s always lingering tension and resentment.
According to Healthline, comparing children can spark jealousy and long-term rivalry. It also diminishes their sense of individuality.
Children thrive when they feel recognized for their unique strengths and challenges.
A better approach is to highlight their personal growth. Rather than drawing comparisons, zero in on something they’ve improved at recently.
Reminding them that everyone has different talents fosters a more supportive environment at home—and helps each child feel valued for who they are.
4. “Don’t be so sensitive!”
I used to think I was helping by telling my child to “toughen up” or “not be so sensitive.”
It was meant to prepare them for life’s bumps and bruises. But it backfired.
My child grew reluctant to share emotional struggles, fearing I’d label him as “too emotional.”
Psychologists emphasize that parents need to make their children feel loved, heard, and validated.
When we brush off a child’s emotional expression, we’re basically telling them their feelings are invalid.
A more empowering way to respond is, “I notice you’re feeling things really strongly right now. Let’s talk about it.”
That opens a door for communication, validating their experience without creating shame around it.
Over time, this approach helps them feel more comfortable processing and expressing emotions in a healthy manner.
5. “I’m disappointed in you.”
I remember one evening when I said this to my son after he neglected his chores yet again.
My patience had worn thin, and I assumed telling him how disappointed I was would jolt him into action.
Instead, it seemed to drain the spark from his eyes. He mumbled a quick apology and withdrew, clearly hurt.
Telling children you’re disappointed can feel like a heavy emotional burden on their shoulders.
They internalize that shame, thinking they’ve failed you as a person, not just that they made a poor choice.
Expressing disappointment without offering constructive guidance often does more harm than good.
A more effective approach might be, “Let’s talk about what happened and how you can fix this.”
This shift moves the focus away from shame and toward problem-solving, which can keep their self-esteem intact.
6. “That’s nothing to worry about.”
Sometimes our kids come to us with concerns that seem small in the grand scheme of things. I’ve brushed off certain worries with a casual “You’re overthinking this” or “That’s nothing to stress about.”
In my mind, I was trying to lift the burden off them. But it often resulted in them feeling dismissed, like their anxieties weren’t valid.
Children rely on us to teach them how to handle the ups and downs of life.
According to the Child Mind Institute, the best way to do this is to model healthy coping yourself, and to let them know you’re confident that they can face their fears and feel less worried over time.
A supportive response sounds more like, “I hear you’re worried—let’s figure out a way to handle this.”
That conversation invites them to share more about what’s going on in their head. Once you acknowledge their fear, they’re more likely to feel safe working through possible solutions with you.
7. “Because I said so!”
This was my go-to phrase for a while, especially when I needed compliance right away. It’s quick, authoritative, and ends the argument.
Except it doesn’t really end anything.
I noticed that my kids eventually stopped asking questions—not because they understood my reasoning, but because they felt there was no point in trying to communicate.
“Because I said so” can stifle curiosity and discourage a child’s sense of autonomy. Kids thrive when they know the “why” behind rules or instructions.
They’re more cooperative and engaged when they understand the reasoning, even if they don’t always like it.
Instead of a flat dismissal, a clearer statement might be, “We need to leave now so we can get home before bedtime.” It provides context and shows them there’s a logical reason behind what’s being asked.
Over time, that fosters respect and mutual understanding.
Wrapping up
It might feel overwhelming to realize we’ve been using phrases that could quietly erode our children’s confidence or emotional well-being.
At the same time, it’s a chance for growth—not just theirs, but ours as parents. Even small tweaks in how we phrase things can spark a big shift in the parent-child dynamic.
If you’ve recognized any of these comments in your own parenting, you’re already on the right track by becoming aware of their impact.
One exercise I find helpful is journaling. Write down any concerning interaction you had with your child that day—maybe it was a rushed morning or a tense homework session.
Then reflect on how you might have approached it differently. This doesn’t mean we’ll never slip up again, but it allows us to revisit those moments and learn from them.
The ultimate goal isn’t perfection. It’s about building an environment where our kids feel seen, heard, and respected as they navigate their own development.
By choosing our words more mindfully, we gift our children a strong emotional foundation.
And along the way, we grow into more compassionate, empathetic individuals ourselves.
