There’s a moment in every parent’s life when they hear themselves say something and immediately think, Did I really just say that?
Maybe it was a guilt trip, a comparison, or an “I know best” statement that landed a little too harshly.
Parenting is a constant balancing act—guiding without controlling, teaching without manipulating. But sometimes, without realizing it, we slip into habits that aren’t just strict parenting but outright emotional tactics.
And while they might get short-term results, they can also create long-term distance.
So, let’s talk about the sneaky, well-intentioned ways manipulation can creep into parenting.
More importantly, let’s look at how to break these habits and build a relationship with our kids that’s rooted in trust, respect, and genuine connection.
1) Emotional blackmail
There’s a vast difference between discipline and manipulation.
As parents, we often resort to saying things like “They’ll regret it when I’m gone,” in an attempt to control our children’s behavior. This is what we call emotional blackmail.
Emotional blackmail targets the very bond you share with your child, exploiting their love and trust for you. It’s a manipulative tactic that uses guilt and fear to achieve a certain outcome.
It’s crucial to guide your child through their journey, not control it. Instead of resorting to emotional blackmail, aim for open communication about the consequences of their actions.
Using manipulation might give you short-term control, but it can also create long-term resentment. Strive for understanding rather than fear. After all, your goal as a parent is to build a strong relationship that can withstand the test of time.
2) Using affection as a bargaining chip
There’s this thing we parents sometimes do—I know because I’ve been guilty of it too. We withhold our affection to get our children to behave a certain way.
I remember when my daughter refused to clean her room. In frustration, I found myself saying, “I won’t hug you until you tidy up your room.” It might seem harmless, but it’s actually a form of manipulation.
By conditioning my love on her actions, I was using my affection as a bargaining chip. I realized that this tactic was breaking our bond rather than reinforcing it.
Now, I strive to separate my daughter’s actions from the love I have for her. Even when she’s not at her best, I ensure she knows she is loved unconditionally. This shift has done wonders for our relationship.
Our children need to know that our love for them is unwavering and not contingent on their behavior.
3) Over-dependence
It’s natural for parents to want their children to need them. However, creating a dynamic where your child feels like they can’t function without you is a form of manipulation.
A study has found that overdependence and excessive parental control can lead to anxiety and depression in children. Instead of fostering independence, it creates an unhealthy reliance.
Encourage your children to be self-reliant and self-confident. Create an environment where they feel safe to make their own decisions and learn from their mistakes.
This way, they’ll grow into adults who are capable of navigating life on their own terms.
4) Negative comparisons
Unfair comparisons can be damaging. It’s tempting to say, “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” or “Your cousin never gives his parents trouble like this.”
But this is a form of manipulation that can seriously harm your child’s self-esteem.
Comparing your child to their siblings or peers implies they are not good enough as they are. This can fuel resentment, both towards you and the person they are being compared to.
Instead, celebrate your child’s individuality and unique strengths. Encourage them to be the best version of themselves, not a clone of someone else.
After all, every child is different, and that’s what makes them special.
5) Over-scheduling
As parents, we want our children to excel in every field—academics, sports, arts, you name it. But there’s a difference between nurturing their interests and overscheduling their lives.
When you fill every minute of their day with structured activities, leaving no room for free play or relaxation, you’re manipulating their lives to fit a certain mold.
This can lead to stress and burnout, even in children.
Instead, allow your children to have input in how they spend their time. Let them explore their interests organically. It’s essential for them to have free time to relax, play, and just be kids.
6) Ignoring their feelings
There’s no guidebook to navigate the complex world of emotions, especially for children. When we dismiss or ignore their feelings, we’re manipulating their emotional self.
Every feeling, whether it’s joy, anger, sadness, or fear, has a place in our lives. By invalidating their emotions, we’re telling them that what they feel isn’t important.
Instead, let’s create a space where they feel comfortable sharing their emotions. Let’s teach them it’s okay to feel and that every emotion is valid.
This not only strengthens our bond with them but also equips them with emotional intelligence—a vital life skill.
Empathy is a powerful tool in understanding and connecting with our children. It’s about acknowledging their feelings without judgement. This fosters trust, which is the foundation of a strong parent-child bond.
7) Making them feel guilty
“I gave up so much for you,” or “After all I’ve done for you.” Sound familiar? I’ve uttered these words in moments of frustration, only to regret it later.
Making your child feel guilty for your sacrifices is a manipulative tactic that places an unnecessary burden on their shoulders. It creates a debt that they can never repay and can lead to feelings of unworthiness.
Parenting involves sacrifices, yes, but they are choices we make willingly out of love for our children. They should never be used as a tool for manipulation.
Now, when I feel frustration creeping in, I remind myself that my choices and sacrifices were my own, not my child’s responsibility.
This shift in perspective has helped maintain a healthier and more respectful relationship with my daughter.
8) Excessive praise
Too much of anything isn’t good, and that includes praise.
While it seems contrary to what most of us believe, showering your child with constant praise can actually be a form of manipulation.
When we overpraise our children for every little thing, it can create pressure for them to always meet those high standards. It may also instill a fear of failure, as they may start associating their worth with achievement.
Striking a balance is key. Praise your child’s efforts and achievements, but also let them know that it’s okay to make mistakes. After all, learning from failure is a crucial part of growth.
9) Not respecting boundaries
As parents, it’s easy to assume that we have an all-access pass to our children’s lives.
But failing to respect their personal boundaries can be a form of manipulation.
Whether it’s going through their personal belongings or not allowing them the privacy they need, this behavior can lead to mistrust and resentment. It’s crucial to remember that while they are our children, they are also individuals with a right to personal space and privacy.
Encourage open communication, respect their personal space, and teach them the importance of boundaries. This balance will foster a relationship based on mutual respect and trust.
10) Conditional love
Perhaps the most harmful manipulation tactic is conditional love—making your child feel that your love for them depends on their behavior, their grades, or their achievements.
Love should never be a reward that’s given or taken away based on conditions. It’s not a tool to control or manipulate.
Our children should know, without any doubt, that our love for them is unconditional.
Regardless of their actions, mistakes, or choices, our love remains constant. It’s the one thing they should always be able to rely on.
Final thoughts
I used to think that parenting was about shaping kids into the best versions of themselves. But the more I reflect on it, the more I realize—it’s just as much about shaping ourselves.
When we catch ourselves using guilt, comparisons, or control, it’s not just an opportunity to “fix” our parenting style—it’s a moment to ask, Why am I doing this? Am I afraid of losing connection? Am I trying to make up for something I lacked as a child?
The real work of parenting isn’t in making sure our kids follow every rule—it’s in making sure they feel safe, heard, and deeply loved. Not because they’re perfect, not because they obey, but just because they’re ours.
And in the end, that’s what sticks with them. Not the moments we “won,” but the moments we showed up with honesty, respect, and unconditional love.
