Navigating a conversation with a narcissist can often feel like walking through a minefield.
Their words, subtly laced with intent, are designed to chip away at your confidence, leaving you feeling unsure and off-balance.
They’re not being outright mean, but there’s something about the way they speak that makes you feel less than great about yourself.
Psychology tells us that narcissists often use certain phrases to subtly undermine our confidence. Recognizing these phrases can help us regain control and protect our self-esteem.
Here are ten of those phrases that narcissists commonly use.
1) “I’m just being honest…”
One of the most common phrases a narcissist uses to undermine your confidence is the seemingly innocent “I’m just being honest…”. It’s a classic tactic that is deceptively dangerous.
On the surface, honesty is a virtue we all value. But when used by a narcissist, it’s often a smokescreen for delivering hurtful and demeaning comments.
By adding the caveat of “just being honest”, they create a shield that deflects criticism and responsibility for their words.
Famous psychologist, Dr. Carol Dweck once said, “Becoming is better than being.”
This quote reflects the growth mindset, which emphasizes potential and progress. But a narcissist’s ‘honesty’ often serves to stifle this growth, leaving you stuck in their perception of who you are.
Recognizing this manipulative phrase can be the first step towards protecting your self-esteem against narcissistic attacks.
2) “You’re too sensitive…”
Another classic phrase narcissists often deploy is “You’re too sensitive…”. This is a covert way of invalidating your feelings and making you doubt your own reactions.
I remember a time when a former friend used this phrase on me.
Whenever I expressed discomfort or disagreement with their actions, they would quickly dismiss my feelings as me being ‘too sensitive’.
Over time, I began doubting my own emotions and responses, a classic sign of gaslighting.
Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, once said, “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.”
Being dismissively labelled as ‘too sensitive’ can lead to these unexpressed emotions Freud warns about.
Learning to identify this phrase for what it is – an attempt to undermine your confidence – can help you trust your emotions and stand firm in your reactions.
3) “No one else thinks that way…”
A phrase that narcissists often use to undermine your confidence is “No one else thinks that way…”.
This is a manipulative tactic designed to make you feel isolated and wrong in your thoughts and feelings.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this phrase, designed to make me question my own perspective. It’s a cruel trick that, over time, can really erode your self-assurance.
Psychologist Albert Bandura, known for his work in social learning theory, once said, “In order to succeed, people need a sense of self-efficacy, to struggle together with resilience to meet the inevitable obstacles and inequities of life.”
This phrase from a narcissist is a direct attack on that sense of self-efficacy Bandura talks about.
The truth is, everyone has unique thoughts and feelings. Recognizing this tactic for what it is can help you maintain your confidence and trust in your own perspective.
4) “I was only joking…”
One phrase that narcissists often use to belittle you while disguising it as humor is “I was only joking…”.
This phrase is used to make snide remarks or cruel comments, and then when you react, they use it as a cover-up, making you seem like you can’t take a joke.
There was a time when I was constantly on the receiving end of such ‘jokes’. It took me a while to realize that humor should not leave you feeling ridiculed or demeaned.
Renowned psychologist, Abraham Maslow once said, “What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself.”
Understanding that this ‘joke’ is a subtle attempt to undermine your confidence can initiate that change in self-awareness Maslow refers to.
Next time someone hides behind the ‘I was only joking…’ excuse, know that it’s okay to stand up for yourself and say that their joke isn’t funny.
5) “You always…”
Contrary to what you might expect, the phrase “You always…” can be a subtle tool narcissists use to undermine your confidence.
This absolute language paints an exaggerated picture of your behavior, making you feel flawed and inadequate.
I once knew someone who was quick to use this phrase, pointing out my flaws and mistakes as if they were the only things that defined me.
It took me some time to realize that nobody is a sum of their mistakes and that the phrase “You always…” was a distortion of the truth.
As psychologist Carl Rogers said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
This acceptance becomes difficult when someone uses absolute language to define you by your flaws.
No one ‘always’ does anything. Recognizing this phrase for what it is can help you maintain perspective and hold onto your self-confidence.
6) “You’d be nothing without me…”
Another phrase narcissists often use is “You’d be nothing without me…”.
This is a blatant attempt to make you feel dependent on them and undermine your self-confidence, making you believe that your worth and success are tied to their presence in your life.
Renowned psychologist, Viktor Frankl, once said, “Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life; everyone must carry out a concrete assignment that demands fulfillment.”
This quote emphasizes the individual’s unique value and purpose, which stands in stark contrast to the narcissist’s claim.
Acknowledging this phrase as a manipulative tactic can help you reaffirm your self-worth and the fact that your success is yours alone.
7) “Why can’t you be more like…?”
A phrase narcissists often use to make you feel inadequate is “Why can’t you be more like…?”.
This is a classic comparison trap, designed to make you feel like you’re never good enough, always lagging behind others.
I still remember a time when I was compared to a more ‘successful’ friend. It took me years to understand that my worth was not defined by such comparisons.
Psychologist and author, Dr. Brené Brown, said, “Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we’ll ever do.”
Your story is unique and worth owning. Recognizing the manipulative nature of such comparisons can help you embrace your individual journey and maintain your confidence.
8) “If only you’d listen to me…”
This phrase, “If only you’d listen to me…”, is another tactic narcissists use to make you feel inferior and doubt your own judgement.
It’s their way of implying that they always know better, and your ideas or opinions are somehow flawed or lacking.
There were times when I was made to feel like my thoughts weren’t valid unless they aligned with someone else’s viewpoint.
It was a harsh lesson in how such subtle phrases can quietly erode your confidence.
Psychologist William James once said, “The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.”
Being aware of this manipulative phrase can empower you to choose trust in your own judgement over the narcissist’s attempts to undermine it.
9) “You’re overreacting…”
It may seem counterintuitive, but the phrase “You’re overreacting…” is often a weapon in the narcissist’s arsenal.
It’s a way of minimizing your feelings and reactions, making you doubt the validity of your emotions.
Psychologist and emotional intelligence expert, Daniel Goleman, once said, “Self-absorption in all its forms kills empathy, let alone compassion.”
When a narcissist tells you that you’re overreacting, it’s often a sign of their self-absorption and lack of empathy.
Recognizing this phrase for what it is – an attempt to undermine your confidence in your own feelings – can help you maintain emotional integrity.
10) “It’s all in your head…”
The phrase “It’s all in your head…” is a classic gaslighting technique narcissists use to make you question your reality and perceptions.
It’s an insidious way of making you feel uncertain and undermining your confidence.
There were times when I found my experiences and feelings dismissed as mere figments of my imagination.
It was a hollowing experience that led me to question my sanity.
Carl Jung, one of the most influential psychologists, stated, “Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”
This quote resonates deeply in this context. Trusting your experiences, feelings, and perceptions is crucial to maintaining your confidence.
Being aware of this phrase can help you hold onto your reality and trust in your perception, despite the narcissist’s attempts to cause doubt.
