I used to think emotional intelligence was all about being kind, empathetic, and a good listener.
But over time, I realized it’s just as much about the questions we ask as the answers we give.
Some questions reveal curiosity and emotional awareness—while others expose a complete lack of it.
The tricky part? Most people don’t even realize when they’re asking the wrong ones.
If someone asks these seven questions, chances are they struggle with emotional intelligence more than they think.
1) “Why are you so emotional?”
This question might seem innocent, but it often comes across as dismissive.
Emotions aren’t a problem to be fixed—they’re a natural response to experiences. When someone asks this, they’re essentially invalidating the other person’s feelings instead of trying to understand them.
People with high emotional intelligence don’t shame others for their emotions. Instead, they acknowledge them and respond with empathy.
A better approach? Instead of questioning why someone feels a certain way, try asking what you can do to support them.
2) “Can’t you just get over it?”
I remember venting to a friend about a tough situation at work. I wasn’t looking for solutions—I just needed to let it out.
But instead of listening, they sighed and said, “Can’t you just get over it?”
In that moment, I felt completely shut down. Instead of feeling heard, I felt like my emotions were an inconvenience.
Emotionally intelligent people understand that healing isn’t instant. They don’t rush others to “move on” just because they’re uncomfortable with the conversation.
A better response? Something as simple as “That sounds really frustrating. Do you want to talk more about it?” can make all the difference.
3) “Why do you care so much?”
I’ve heard this question more times than I can count.
It’s usually said with a smirk, like caring is a weakness—like having feelings automatically means you’re overreacting.
But here’s the truth: Caring isn’t the problem. Dismissing people for caring is.
Emotionally intelligent people don’t belittle others for feeling deeply. They don’t make someone question whether their emotions are too much.
They recognize that passion, concern, and empathy are strengths—not flaws.
4) “Why are you still talking about this?”
If someone brings something up more than once, it’s probably because it still matters to them.
Shutting them down with this question doesn’t make the issue go away—it just tells them you’re not willing to listen.
Emotionally intelligent people understand that some things take time to process. They don’t rush conversations just because they’re ready to move on.
Instead of shutting someone down, try asking, “Is this still weighing on you? I’m here if you need to talk.” That small shift can make all the difference.
5) “Don’t you think you’re overthinking this?”
Our brains are wired to analyze problems—sometimes even more than we’d like them to. In fact, research shows that the human mind generates around 6,000 thoughts per day.
So when someone is stuck in a cycle of overthinking, it’s not because they want to be—it’s because their brain is trying to make sense of something important.
Dismissing them with “You’re overthinking” doesn’t help. It just makes them feel unheard.
Emotionally intelligent people don’t brush off others’ concerns. Instead, they ask, “What’s on your mind? Let’s work through it together.”
6) “Why can’t you just be happy?”
Not every struggle has an easy fix. Not every bad day can be turned around with a simple mindset shift.
Happiness isn’t a switch someone can flip—it’s a feeling that comes and goes, just like any other emotion.
When someone is going through something difficult, they don’t need to be told to “just be happy.” They need support, patience, and understanding.
A better approach? Saying, “I’m here for you. You don’t have to go through this alone.” Sometimes, that’s all someone needs to hear.
7) “Why do you always make things about you?”
Sometimes, people talk about their own experiences to relate—to say, “I’ve been there too.”
That’s not selfish. That’s human.
Of course, there’s a difference between empathy and making everything a competition. But assuming the worst in someone? That shuts down connection before it even has a chance to grow.
Emotionally intelligent people don’t jump to judgment. They listen, they reflect, and they give others the benefit of the doubt.
The bottom line
Emotional intelligence isn’t about having the perfect response—it’s about creating space for understanding.
The way we phrase our questions can either open the door to deeper connection or shut it down completely.
If you’ve asked some of these questions before, don’t be too hard on yourself. Awareness is the first step toward growth.
Next time someone shares something with you, pause before you respond. Instead of questioning their emotions, try to understand them. Instead of dismissing their feelings, acknowledge them.
A little more patience, a little more empathy—that’s what makes the difference.
