Sometimes, the most hurtful comments don’t come packaged in blatant insults—they’re all wrapped up in a smile and a dose of so-called kindness. Over the years, I’ve witnessed this countless times in my work as a relationship counselor.
I’ve heard clients say they’d rather deal with direct criticism than decode a confusing, sweet-sounding remark that feels vaguely hostile. One moment, you think the conversation is going well, and in the next, you’re left scratching your head, wondering, “Did they really just say that to me?”
I’ve often been fascinated by how some of the most passive aggressive comments are the ones that sound the nicest. There’s a peculiar sting to these words because it’s hard to call them out without appearing overly sensitive.
So, let’s break down seven of these disguised “compliments” or “friendly remarks.” I promise it’ll help you recognize them more quickly in the future and figure out how to respond in a way that honors your own well-being.
Before I get into the seven statements, let me just share that this topic reminds me of a Brene Brown quote I love: “Clarity is kindness. Unclear is unkind.” In many ways, passive aggression is the ultimate unclarity. It sugarcoats hostility, leaving you guessing rather than offering the honest truth.
My hope is that by the end of this post, you’ll be better equipped to spot these subtle jabs and deal with them head-on.
Let’s dive in.
1. “I’m just joking—relax!”
I hear this one so often. A friend or a coworker will say something that bites, you react, and they respond by telling you to lighten up. It’s a neat little defense mechanism: they can get away with saying something potentially hurtful, then pivot and act like you’re overly sensitive for being bothered.
Have you ever noticed how the “joke” often lands at your expense? It’s like the person aims, fires, and then, when you call them out, claims, “Oh, it was just a joke!” It leaves you doubting your own feelings. Am I overreacting? Maybe I should lighten up.
The folks at Verywell Mind stand behind this, noting that passive aggressive behavior often comes from an inability to express anger or frustration directly. Someone might hide behind humor because they struggle to communicate openly.
Personally, I’ve found that the best response is to calmly say something like, “I know you’re joking, but it still doesn’t feel good.” That way, you’re acknowledging their statement without letting them manipulate you into silence.
2. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
This statement has an odd knack for sounding polite while it subtly dismisses your perspective. It places the blame on your feelings rather than taking responsibility for any wrongdoing.
I’ve seen clients in couples therapy get stuck on this phrase. One partner is genuinely hurt, and the other says, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” as if the pain is solely in the offended partner’s mind.
It’s not the same as a genuine apology, which might sound like, “I’m sorry my words hurt you. I’ll try to be more considerate.” Instead, it shifts the focus to the other person’s emotional reaction. No wonder it feels dismissive.
The pros over at Psychology Today back this up, saying passive aggression can undermine open communication and push the hurt partner to question their own emotions.
If you catch yourself on the receiving end of this, consider clarifying what you need. Maybe say, “I appreciate the apology, but I’m looking for understanding, not just acknowledgment of my feelings.”
3. “Bless your heart.”
This phrase can be spoken in a tone that just oozes concern—or pity. Honestly, I find it can be genuinely sweet under the right circumstances. But very often, especially if delivered with a condescending smile or a patronizing tilt of the head, “Bless your heart” is the modern equivalent of, “Oh, you poor thing.”
Some people toss it around casually, but I’ve encountered many instances where it’s used to subtly insult someone’s intelligence or choices. It’s a quick way to feign compassion while implying that the person on the receiving end is making some laughable mistake.
It’s been my observation that this phrase pops up in family gatherings and friend circles. You might say you’re working on a new project, and you hear back: “Oh, bless your heart, that sounds… interesting.” The missing subtext: “I don’t think it’s going to work, but good luck with that.”
A straightforward way to respond might be, “Thank you for your concern. I’m actually feeling really good about this.” That gentle pushback can signal that you see through the veneer of sweetness.
4. “No offense, but…”
Does it ever end well when someone starts a sentence with “No offense”? You just know something offensive is about to follow. It’s a universal red flag, really. People might tack it on to appear well-meaning, but more often than not, they’re bracing you for an attack.
I once had a colleague who would start every criticism with “No offense, but that color scheme is hideous.” Or, “No offense, but your approach is way too naive.” By slapping on a quick disclaimer, they believed they were freed from any accountability for hurting your feelings.
Michelle Obama once said, “When they go low, we go high.” That’s a quote I often bring to mind when dealing with these disclaimers. If someone throws a “No offense” your way, it’s often best to calmly address the underlying content, not the disclaimer.
Something like, “It sounds like you have strong feelings about this. Can we talk about the specifics?” Taking the high road doesn’t mean ignoring the jab—it means acknowledging it, then pivoting to productive dialogue.
5. “You’re so lucky…”
We typically think of it as a compliment when someone says, “You’re so lucky to have such a nice house” or “You’re so lucky you can work from home.” But it can be laced with resentment, too. It may mask envy or an implication that you didn’t earn whatever they’re referring to—that you just stumbled upon it by sheer luck.
In my practice, I’ve had clients express frustration that their achievements were chalked up to luck rather than effort. One woman told me she’d worked hard to be promoted in her job, but her sister kept saying, “You’re so lucky to have found that position.” She felt belittled, like her sister refused to see her hustle and hard work.
Like the people at Choosing Therapy said, passive aggression often arises when people are grappling with their own insecurities. So the next time you hear “You’re so lucky” in a tone that feels off, you might want to gently point out the reality: “I worked really hard to get here, and I’m proud of that.”
6. “Wow, you’re so brave to wear that.”
We can’t ignore the subtle backhandedness that creeps into statements about appearance. Sometimes, a person’s comment on your outfit, your hairstyle, or your makeup can come cloaked in false praise.
“Wow, you’re so brave to wear that” can imply that your choice is outrageous or unflattering—basically that you’re crossing some unspoken fashion line. The hidden message? “I wouldn’t dare wear something so… questionable.”
It’s sneaky because it might seem like a compliment at first glance. But it can leave you feeling embarrassed and unsure about yourself. I remember once wearing a bold pair of earrings to a social event.
A friend smiled and said, “I could never pull that off, but you’re so brave to try!” Suddenly, I was hyperaware of my choice. Did she think they looked ridiculous?
Susan Cain, who wrote extensively on the power of introspection and self-awareness, might say it’s essential to pause and process the intention behind someone’s words before reacting.
Rather than immediately feeling judged, I prefer to remind myself that their comment might stem from their own insecurities about self-expression. A simple response could be, “Thanks, I love them,” to keep things light and positive.
7. “Good for you!”
This one probably deserved a higher spot on the list. “Good for you!” can, of course, be a genuine expression of pride or excitement for someone. But when the tone is dripping with condescension or sarcasm, it has a sting that’s tough to ignore.
I’ve often heard it when someone accomplishes something the other person views as unimpressive or trivial. For instance, you share that you’ve started a new exercise routine, and a friend or coworker responds, “Oh, good for you!” with a polite smile that leaves you wondering if they think your achievement is silly.
Maya Angelou once said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” That advice applies here. If someone is consistently responding to your wins with a half-hearted “Good for you,” it might be a signal that they’re not as supportive as they claim to be.
One approach is to politely follow up with, “Yes, I’m really excited about it,” and see if they engage sincerely. If they don’t, you know to take their words with a grain of salt, and maybe reconsider how much of your news you share with them in the future.
Final thoughts
Passive aggressive remarks might appear harmless, but they can still do damage, especially if we don’t address them. I once wrote a post on handling subtle negativity in relationships, and a lot of the strategies there apply here, too.
The key is to recognize passive aggression when it happens, respond in a way that calls it out without escalating conflict, and maintain your boundaries.
None of us are mind readers, and we have every right to ask for clarity when someone’s words feel like a slap in a velvet glove. Setting a boundary can be as simple as calmly saying, “I’m not sure I understand what you mean—can we talk about this openly?”
If the other person is genuinely well-meaning, they’ll clarify. If they intended to be condescending, well, they might just backpedal or get defensive. Either way, you’ve done your part by asking for direct communication.
In relationships—whether personal or professional—authenticity and respect go hand in hand. We can all slip into passive aggression from time to time, especially when we’re stressed or uncomfortable. But if we want healthier, happier connections, we have to challenge that pattern.
Signing off
